Today

Today was a great day!

I was able to do dishes, clean the sink, get groceries, make a little something, and get some other things done!!! I feel amazing and wonderful and best of all:

big ugly IS GONE!!!! GONE!!! They came and took big ugly away. No more O2 for this gal!!!

Other things that are going on:
I'm planning a couple big projects, that I LOVE!!!

I'm still having nightmares. They come and go - a couple nights ago i had one - it wasn't horrible like they have been in the past, but it was still a nightmare.

I needed to do something for myself to possibly help feel strong and powerful - more strong and powerful than him. I found the letter I wrote to the school principal and it brought up all sorts of things. I read most of it and realized that in no way does it show how terrified or terrorized I was. It is simple language stating what happened, and doesn't explain at all how scary it all was - it all is.

I'm sure at the time I wrote the letter I couldn't express feelings without flashing back. I know while writing it I had flashbacks and it took me two weeks to write. Just skimming it over today made me close to a panic attack. I don't really remember writing it, and there are things in it that I had blocked out (again).

I think I need to take my bedtime meds so I will calm down.

But this is real. It's what I deal with - and the things in the letter are the things that happened to me, minus the emotions I felt. And this is how I became the jumpy person I am.

Comments

Anonymous said…
As I read "Whatever Happened to Carla," a remake of the opening courtroom scene from The Devil's Advocate was playing in my mind. I could almost feel the defense attorney breathing his words on the jury's faces, turning your letter that's devoid of emotion into paranoid rambling.

At the same time, I couldn't imagine any reader of that letter who wouldn't be able to fill in the fear that was your emotion. You ought to just say it: Sometimes men are real bastards.
March 1, 2008 at 2:45 AM
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