I'm Done: A Rant By Me


Yes, it's another photo of a flower.

Confession #1: I haven't done my saline in a couple days, but I am doing it right now. This blog keeps me honest with my goals because I can't lie to myself. I have kept up with all the other things - including rinsing my nose semi-regularly, writing in my journal, pouring meds, and brushing my teeth. I need to work on checking my blood sugar more often. I'm good at insulin, bad at checking my sugar.

Confession #2: My poor jade plant - it's leaves are falling off. I believe I haven't watered it enough. So sad. I hope it can not die on me. It was expensive. And I love Jade.

Confession #3: I'm done. This is the end. I'm going to figure things out and then I will be all better. This is my rant.

I can handle the CF, the sinus problems, the diabetes, the PTSD, the restless legs syndrome, the depression, the anxiety, and whatever else I've forgotten to list. Those I'm cool with. I can't handle the constant pain. The fibromyalgia. If that is what I really have (and I'm begining to doubt it, unless I have a severe case). I am in so much pain all the time. I try not to take Tylenol because I already have liver damage, and I don't want to do anymore damage.

I need to find something that will help my fibromyalgia. I don't want to live like this anymore. I lay on the couch hoping the pain will go away and I will feel well enough to organize the rest of my stuff. But I don't feel better. I lay there until I have to get my ass up and get ready to go somewhere. I sleep away the pain.

The other issue is the BLEEDING. The God forsaken never-ending BLEEDING. My guess is I have endometriosis. My grandmother had it - and I seem to have gotten every bad gene my family had to offer - CF, diabetes, ADD, gallstones, kidney stones, etc.

I just need to know what's wrong and how to make it go away. I don't care if it goes away - I just want it to be better controlled. If I can't get it under control, I might have to stop dancing and I really don't want to do that. I'd rather die.

I'm thinking full hysterectomy to stop the bleeding. I just want it to STOP. I've tried about 4 or 5 different birth control pills - I'm not even supposed to have a period because the bleeding and cramping were so bad I couldn't get out of bed for three days a month. And then we figured out that I was bleeding because of the heparin I get at the hospital - but I didn't get any last time. I refused it so I wouldn't bleed so much. We're approaching 3 weeks since my antibiotics were done. I shouldn't STILL be bleeding. THIS IS SO DUMB.

I'm ready. Take all that shit out.

Comments

Jen said…
Can you explain more about the pain you have that you think is fibromyalgia?? What hurts, when does it hurt how long it lasts etc. I just am curious. I have had some issues in the past and I was wondering if it was the same so maybe I could help you figure it out.
September 12, 2008 at 9:25 PM
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