Friday, September 12, 2008

I'm Done: A Rant By Me


Yes, it's another photo of a flower.

Confession #1: I haven't done my saline in a couple days, but I am doing it right now. This blog keeps me honest with my goals because I can't lie to myself. I have kept up with all the other things - including rinsing my nose semi-regularly, writing in my journal, pouring meds, and brushing my teeth. I need to work on checking my blood sugar more often. I'm good at insulin, bad at checking my sugar.

Confession #2: My poor jade plant - it's leaves are falling off. I believe I haven't watered it enough. So sad. I hope it can not die on me. It was expensive. And I love Jade.

Confession #3: I'm done. This is the end. I'm going to figure things out and then I will be all better. This is my rant.

I can handle the CF, the sinus problems, the diabetes, the PTSD, the restless legs syndrome, the depression, the anxiety, and whatever else I've forgotten to list. Those I'm cool with. I can't handle the constant pain. The fibromyalgia. If that is what I really have (and I'm begining to doubt it, unless I have a severe case). I am in so much pain all the time. I try not to take Tylenol because I already have liver damage, and I don't want to do anymore damage.

I need to find something that will help my fibromyalgia. I don't want to live like this anymore. I lay on the couch hoping the pain will go away and I will feel well enough to organize the rest of my stuff. But I don't feel better. I lay there until I have to get my ass up and get ready to go somewhere. I sleep away the pain.

The other issue is the BLEEDING. The God forsaken never-ending BLEEDING. My guess is I have endometriosis. My grandmother had it - and I seem to have gotten every bad gene my family had to offer - CF, diabetes, ADD, gallstones, kidney stones, etc.

I just need to know what's wrong and how to make it go away. I don't care if it goes away - I just want it to be better controlled. If I can't get it under control, I might have to stop dancing and I really don't want to do that. I'd rather die.

I'm thinking full hysterectomy to stop the bleeding. I just want it to STOP. I've tried about 4 or 5 different birth control pills - I'm not even supposed to have a period because the bleeding and cramping were so bad I couldn't get out of bed for three days a month. And then we figured out that I was bleeding because of the heparin I get at the hospital - but I didn't get any last time. I refused it so I wouldn't bleed so much. We're approaching 3 weeks since my antibiotics were done. I shouldn't STILL be bleeding. THIS IS SO DUMB.

I'm ready. Take all that shit out.

1 comment:

Jen said...

Can you explain more about the pain you have that you think is fibromyalgia?? What hurts, when does it hurt how long it lasts etc. I just am curious. I have had some issues in the past and I was wondering if it was the same so maybe I could help you figure it out.

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