Monday, December 1, 2008

For Me

Dear World,

This will be my last post until I get my act together and write in my regular paper journal. That is much more cathartic for me because I don't think, I just write....

I am not going to allow myself to blog until I have a good topic in my journal journal. I have made other rules for myself, mainly to help me get back to a good place where I know who I am.

I am reading a book by a woman with CF who has had 2 double lung transplants. She is so wise, and I know she's more than 10 years older than I am currently - but her wisdom is what I crave. I know writing in my personal unpublished journals will help me get there.

(by the way, her name is Tiffany Christensen and her website is www.sickgirlspeaks.com)

I think I have figured out why I have stopped writing in my personal journal recently: I am afraid of what my mother will find when I am gone. I have never hidden my journals - and I'm surprised she hasn't read them before. But I don't want to self-censor, so I'm going back to saying whatever I need to say.

Hopefully this process will lead to better blog entries and then better book essays and someday I will finish my book and either find a publisher or self-publish (I'd rather not do the 2nd, but I'd rather not do a book tour... I just wrote a VERY long email to my friends about what it would be like to travel with me over spring break, and I don't know if I'm willing to travel that much for a book. Plus there's the whole... nevermind, I won't talk about the government here).

So goodbye for now (it may be tomorrow when a really good idea strikes me, but I don't know).
This is for the good of the blog, the book, and the babe who writes it all!

With love,
Carla

2 comments:

careysue said...

Good luck and hurry back!!

Tiffany said...

I can relate! I actually put disclaimers at the front of my journals saying something like "If you choose to read this you will see me at my darkest times, please don't think this is all of me." I couldn't bear the idea of my mother reading the truth of my struggle but at the same time I needed a place to vomit it all out. Isn't it amazing how we protect those closest to us and they do the same?

I hope you find some clarity in your time off. I know that is usually when I have my best ideas...when my brain is given a vacation.

Thanks for the shout out. I'm sending you love and strength.

Keep on rocking it out.
XO
Tiffany

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