Learning To Live

So far, so good :-) ...I'm proud of me. I've been organizing my stuff. I've been brushing my teeth. I've been doing my treatments. I've been having tons of fun. I'm really happy.

CHRIS got a job offer!!! ...I plan on linking his name to Chris and Kyra's blog... but first I need to search my email and find the link again. Really need to update things around here. But Chris and Kyra are staying in town!!! LOVES IT!!! I'll get to be a full-time honorary aunt! (And not to mention spend all that time with two of the greatest people in the world!) Congratulations to Chris and Kyra and Baby! And yes, congratulations to me because I'm really excited about this! I'm probably never going to get to have kids of my own, and my brother hates kids so I probably will never be a blood relation Aunt. I guess I could be an Aunt by marriage maybe someday if I ever find someone marriage-worthy, but the point is I love kids and I want to be around them all the time. I want to be a mother - but I'm just as excited about being an honorary Aunt :-) I want the special bond you have with kids when you're around them all the time - yes the babysitter relati...

Why the HELL does it take my brother more than an HOUR to shower... he's been in there for more than an hour - I've watched all the TV I had on my DVR, and he's still not done. I can shower in 10 minutes, towel dry my hair (which is INFINITELY longer than his) and be done. 15 minutes MAYBE if I have to shave my legs - it's still much closer to 10. If I do my makeup and hair for a special occasion it will take me 1/2 an hour. That's it. I have makeup and hair curling and it will take me at MAXIMUM 1/2 hour. This is ridiculous. Stupid boys.

I'm feeling better about people moving away/not moving away. It looks like Chris will probably get a job here - not going to jinx things - so I hope they will be staying in town. I want to live close to my honorary nephew! I was pretty much freaking out that night... and now I've realized how many of my friends are still here - and tonight I made some new friends that could turn out to be really good friends - and they are fairly settled here, so I'm not worried. Tonight assured me that somehow if everyone moves away I will just keep in touch and make new friends here. Where ever there are people I am bound to make new friends. To quote a cheesy Girl Scout song "Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold." I always wondered why the new friends couldn't be gold too. Dumb Girl Scout Song.

Facebook is funny - I just looked through my 500+ friends (yes I know that is RIDICULOUS, but they are there), and then I looked through all the people that came up for my high school in a search (why, I don't know - I was bored). I noticed oh, like ONE person who had un-friended me and it very nearly bothered me. The fact that someone I hate un-friended me bugs me, though - This guy I'm talking about actually blocked me on Facebook! Can you believe that? Someone would block ME? It's good to know that I'm as big of a pain in his ass as he is in mine. At least I'm not predatory. The fact that my dance partner from last semester un-friended me bugs me. Douche bag. I think it's probably because he's friends with the dick wad who blocked me. Well, as long as Dick Wad calls Douche Bag in the middle of the night when he's suicidal and drunk, I don't care. As long as he no longer calls ME. After searching through all the people who ever went to my ...

Insomnia of the worst kind. This is the "Jump out of bed you have so much to do!" insomnia. Not the, "Man I'm tired but I just can't fall asleep" insomnia. Then, at least I am content to stay in my bed eating Popsicles until my blood sugar is high enough that I fall asleep (don't worry, it's not really dangerous, just not good in the long-run). This is the "why don't I get out of bed and use those dorm decorations I made like two years ago to decorate the back of my bedroom door, because that's a GOOD idea for 2 am!" This is the "Let's finish cleaning that mess in the living room that was the contents of THAT desk - and then move on to the front closet - and remember to move all the stuff from your CURRENT desk to the family room to sort THAT stuff - especially the stuff on top of the desk - because I want to get rid of that. OH, and how about cutting apart magazines to finish the back of the bedroom door project? That...

I got my shit together. It's official. I ordered meds, I picked them up, I poured my meds. I did my treatments, I brushed my teeth, I cleaned out the desk in the living room (well started... looks like the front room of my house is a two-day project). And as a reward I went to my friend Tracy's Lia Sophia party tonight. Spent too much on jewelry, but I've decided to get rid of all my non Lia earrings because I'm so damn allergic to them. I'll keep the special ones - like the ones I bought in Hawai'i, but other than that my earrings are gone. If you'd like some craptacular used earrings let me know! I'm proud that I've got my shit together (well for today). Now this will be Project: Maintaining Put Together Shit. Please submit better names if you have one. I'm so glad I went to Tracy's tonight - I met some great people, some great opportunities and have already been invited to a Girls' Weekend! I got some really amazing compliment...

I've decided to start over. Right now. From now on I'm doing things right. I am healthy right now and I really want it to stay that way as long as possible. I've decided there are several things I must do daily to maintain this health. These things are (in no particular order): 1. Brush my teeth. I'm hoping my wisdom teeth will come in and I won't have any more infections and I won't have to have them out before January, if at all. I know brushing your teeth daily doesn't sound that hard, but sometimes it is. Sometimes I just hang out in my PJs for hours and then I forget when I get dressed. Sometimes I'm too lazy. Sometimes I'm too sick. Sometimes I'm too sad. I'm not chicken to admit that sometimes I don't brush my teeth every day. But from now on I am going to try. 2. Have chest PT and/or Vest daily. Sometimes I skip my vest or chest PT when I am dancing or busy or gone. I am going to try and do my vest or chest PT every...

Congrats to Chris and Kyra! They finished their parenting class this evening and got a certificate! Aren't they supposed to give you a kid when you finish? ;-) Good to know you two are now certified to take care of your baby! (We knew you'd make amazing parents - but now we have proof in certificate form!!!)

Apparently, if you are in a wheelchair in Bejing, you are allowed to get out of said wheelchair to climb a London bus - don't ask me, ask the IOC. I didn't expect the token disabled person to become UN-disabled only to climb a BUS. WAY TO GO, IOC. It also reminded me of that time, on the Air France plane when Dad and I rocked out to the Stones while everyone else tried to sleep. When asked to quiet down by my brother, Dad goes, "BUT IT'S THE STONES!!!"

Conversation between my family: Me: Someone farted. Mom & Darin: Not me. Me: Someone is lying and it's Darin because he can't keep a straight face. Darin: Stop making fun of me because I'm gay.

Yes, i was in so much pain all I could post was "Ow." Now I am in not so much pain (barely any, really!) My surgery went beautifully! That twitter I sent that said, "Om" was supposed to say "OMG I'm awake" - I just suck at texting on my new phone. Yay for my badness. I'm still really sleepy, and just gave myself a dose of morphine, so I'm going to be sleeping soon. Chris and Kyra were here tonight - and I got the greatest Thank You card. I've been wanting to blog about all the little things I had for her baby shower - which reminds me I still need to change the URL link to their blog... whoops. It's on my to do list. Okay. Now I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

Here I am staring at my computer screen past midnight when I really should be sleeping. I am hoping that the typing doesn't wake my mother because in fewer than eight hours I have to be awake and giving myself another dose of IV antibiotics. *le sigh.* One more day and then surgery. So I was drifting off to sleep and I started to have what I call "The Dating Nightmare." It only happens when I'm falling asleep - and maybe it's because my bedtime meds aren't working fully yet, but it sets off a round of anxiety where I wind up standing in front of the bathroom mirror picking at my skin. Tonight I decided to stop picking and start typing. Tonight for some reason I was reminded of the last relationship I tried. Maybe ya'll remember it - but for those who don't, it went something like this: Boy is scared to date me. Says he wants a casual relationship because he is scared to date. We date for six days. I say that I would like something more substa...

I vent a lot about my mom. I vent it here because I need to get it out so I don't go nuts - and if I take it out on her, she'll explode and make my life hell. So that's why I vent. I know how lucky I am to have my mom here to help me with my IVs - well, I do all the IV stuff (she will change my dressing), but she does the other stuff. The cooking, laundry, etc. That's what my mom does. Plus, she stays up with me sometimes while I do my late night meds, and she's always up when I get up. She frustrates me and as I like to say, "cramps my style," but that doesn't mean I don't know how much she does for me. My mom washed my hair tonight so that I could have enough energy to shower. My mom keeps measuring how well I'm doing based on how many hours I'm awake - and she's just so worried when I sleep so much. It's my sinus pain and pressure that cause me to sleep so much - and there's nothing I can do about it until Friday when ...

I hate home IVs. I don't get as much rest as I need. It just doesn't work well. It's not me, because I would rest as much as I need. The problem is my mother. She hates any clutter in my place - and right now it's pretty cluttered from my re-organization project of the summer (which failed miserably. It's now my "Fall-winter project"). She yells at me. She makes me get up and help organize things. She makes me help with the laundry because she's "not my slave." Note to self: do it all inpatient because you can't handle your fucked up crazy mother.

There are so many things I need to write about... and so little time to do so.

Me: "I don't want any doctors deciding anything about my medical care!!!" That's right... I was reflecting on past decisions docs have made, and when I got to Dr. Cornwell saying that I would be "fine" without IVs before my sinus surgery, I said that he shouldn't have anything to say about my care... after all, he's only my primary doc.

Mom: "That's what I'd get if I ever get a new one - a Cabrio." Me: "A Cabrio, why?" Mom: "I don't remember." ...I thought she was talking about a car, she was talking about a washer and dryer. We're nuts.

My mother and I were talking about "Jon and Kate Plus 8" - and she hates that show. She says that if she had six babies she would sell five of them. I told her that you can't SELL children... it's illegal. And she goes, "Why not? They would be mine!" So I told her I would Google it. And this is what I found. CLICK ENJOY! I sure got a kick out of it... and I'm hoping it's not real.

I guess Pepe was a fake. Oh well. At least all that bad crap didn't happen to someone. I thought it was weird that they would transplant someone that was on cardiopulmonary bipass... because you have to be healthy enough to be on the list. I have to admit that the writing was good, and they kept us guessing. The site is now down, but go HERE to read about how it was a fake... People suck. I can't believe that she had thousands of people hoping and praying for her - including myself, and she wasn't even real. All I can say is, I am real. I would say "you can't make this shit up," but I guess you can.

I am watching the Women's Gymnastics All-Around Competition... and trying to stay awake. I was wondering where all my Europe photos went... and I remembered! They are on this computer! My laptop! So here are a couple photos, because for a long time I've wanted to post a Daily Photo. My Favorite Graffiti (well, this and that GIANT graffiti that said, "BUSH GO HOME"). This is going to be blown up and hung above my bed. Walk THIS way!!! After I took this photo I tried to secretly buy my brother a GIANT flag... but he didn't want a giant one, so I'm glad I didn't buy one. He got a little rainbow flag in Munich. Don't fall down the stairs, dumb ass! Walk down them. Deer and breasts ahead... or Deer WITH breasts. Either way :-) Knut was yesterday! ...the next one says "Flocke is here" or something like it. LOVE Nurnberg. And I really want to know why the hell we spell it Nuremberg in English. STUPID.

The Friends of Pepe Blog has ended. I'm sad to see it go, because I'm hooked on her story, and these CF stories become my stories. They are what could happen to me - and I want to know how they end. Pepe is very sick and post-transplant a little more than a month. They are recommending a second lung transplant because the pneumonia in her new lungs is just too bad. I want to know what she decides, what she does, and how it turns out. I know that there is a good chance she could die waiting for this second pair of lungs - she was essentially dead when they did the first transplant. I didn't think she'd make it this far... but now I'm deeply saddened that I won't know how our story ends. This is what I wrote on the last post: This has already been said by many times, and I'm sure another CFer has already commented, but FOP, we're sad to see you go. Gina, we hope you continue forward and it only gets better from here. I hope if I am ever as sick as ...

Nothing. Yeppers, I've done nothing. I'm going home tomorrow - but I'm going to be trying to treat it like I'm in the hospital. So I'm going to try and not go anywhere or do very much, but visitors are always welcome! I'm addicted to YouTube. William Sledd. Hilarious. My favorite is still the "Ask a Gay Guy: Hair Edition." I watch it over and over. "Merry Bitchmas" is also entertaining. I know I haven't been writing much - I've been sick for a couple weeks. I was at home, on the couch almost everyday, and then in the evening I would muster my strength and try and go hang out with people. But not much to report. I'm going home tomorrow! And I'll be back in next week Friday for my surgery - and who knows how long they'll keep me hostage after that! Oh well. Maybe surgery will go really well. :-)

Today is day TWO in the hospital... and I'm too sick to write. Just a couple notes on what I want to write: *how I ended up here *who un-friended me on facebook... funny story, actually. Oh, Stalkbook. *I shit my pants. *9th grade forensics - Mom. *Dr. Little told me to write a book. *write about surviving the bad days. *etc.

Yes I am doing better. Not sure what was wrong, but today is better.

Sarah Lynn and I were looking through our yearbooks - like we usually do, and I kept coming across photo after photo and saying, "Who is THAT?" Pause. "Oh, it's me." I didn't recognize my own photos in the yearbook - that's a good thing. I look really sick in the yearbook.

Reasons I'm happy it's just my sinuses (well, it only feels like my sinuses): *It's not my lungs. *I'm only tired (and I did get a shower this evening, which makes me feel better). *I'm still at my house. I may need my mom to come and help me, but for now I'm at my house and not in the hospital yet. *I'm in my bed (well... not my bed, I'm still only comfortable sleeping on the den bed or the couch b/c of my fever, but it's a bed at my house). *I'm not in a hospital bed. *There are no IVs beeping. *I'm not on the transplant list. *I'm not on oxygen. *I'm not on a ventilator. *I had an unproductive weekend, but I was able to leave the house by myself, with no O2 and go buy my new cell phone. (P.S. Still can't figure out how the dumb thing works... I hate it.) *I weigh more than I did in high school. *They aren't threatening me with a feeding tube. *I don't have any scary tubes - no chest tubes, no feeding tubes, no NG tubes,...

I'm really sick. My sinuses are now so bad I can barely stay awake, let alone get anything accomplished. Honestly, I thought about it, and I think the last time I took a shower was Wednesday evening. Ew. It's Sunday and I just don't have the energy. I think I'm going to end up in the hospital a lot sooner than I planned... shit. I'm going to eat something and go back to sleep now. If you would like to help me, please call the cell phone - I'll probably tell you I'm fine, but really I'm not.

I feel like everyone is planning on moving away... I don't want them to move away. I CAN'T move away... and what will I do without my friends??? This is my last thought of the evening.

I loved my Razr... or however they decided to spell it recently. I had gotten used to all the features, I had some fun ringtones (sure, I'd like some more, but I didn't need them). All was good with that phone. I knew my contacts by their ringtone, and I was happy with the speed dial for my 160 something contacts. Last night I sent a text message (If you got my late night text message, please let me know what you replied - I didn't get it). Then, just as the reply came, the screen went dead. The phone was still on - it was ringing, but I couldn't see the screen. This meant no text reading for Carla. Sooo sad. I went to bed and tried to pretend that my phone would be okay in the morning. It wasn't. So I had to go through the process of buying an all new phone today. What a pain in the ass. I should have just gotten the newer version of my old phone (even though it was quite a bit more expensive...). This new phone I have is awful. I can't figure anyt...

I was inspired tonight by another blogger's post. She said her favorite new song is "Johnnie and June" ...and it's mine too... I forget who it's by, but I'll look it up later. It's too late tonight for research. My friends were here this evening for the Olympics (AMAZING ceremony, AMAZING friends, AMAZING time, just love all around). There were only 4 of us total, but it was a great time for me. People I don't usually see - and my favorites. So we were chatting about people I've dated... and Amelia comments that we have to find me a better guy next time because I've found some real winners and I deserve better (thanks :-) ). So tonight, here's to wishing for a love like Johnnie and June :-)

Where have all the comments gone? Hmmm... Today I watched way too much "Jon and Kate Plus 8" because I am a weirdo and I record every episode. Right. I slept a lot and decided not to go have fun or join my friends in their plans b/c the pollen count is so high and my sinuses hate me. Only two more weeks of hating and then I have surgery. I talked to my Sarah Lynn - I love her more than my luggage. We talked about me essentially losing/getting rid of a friend of mine, and she said it's probably a good decision. At the CF walk Sarah Lynn was really excited to meet this person, but this person was not at all interested in meeting her, or my brother or the other important people I really wanted her to get to know better. Sarah Lynn's BF puts my friends into two groups "Carla's Cool Friends" and "Carla's not so cool friends." Good Guy. I can't wait to see them this weekend! Like I mentioned, I essentially ended a friendship. I got s...

I have to have TWO surgeries now this summer/early fall. Sinuses and Wisdom Teeth. Not sure how all of this is going to go, or how it will affect the dancing. *le sigh*

Happy Birthday to my sister Sarah Marie. I know you're always with me. I love you.

*I will remember the great quote from the wise Winnie the Pooh: "You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." *I will not let a mean man discourage me from being wonderful. *I will be strong. *I will be brave and courageous. *I will conduct myself with grace and poise. *I will not let grace and poise prevent me from being bouncy and silly because I am all of those. *I will dance for my lungs, for my friends, for my family, for anyone who loves me. *I will dance for myself. *I will dance.

Here is me describing misc. situations that I've been in recently and the song lyrics I've used to help me. I love these lyrics. I'm not sure I want to talk about what I associate this with, but maybe you can guess: "Building a Mystery" by Sarah McLachlan You woke up screaming aloud A prayer from your secret god You feed off our fears And hold back your tears, oh Give us a tantrum And a know it all grin Just when we need one When the evening's thin You're a beautiful A beautiful fucked up man You're setting up your Razor wire shrine Cause you're working Building a mystery Holding on and holding it in Yeah you're working Building a mystery And choosing so carefully *** This one, too, is something I may not want to talk about. I listen to this song all the time, and sometimes I just listen and cry. It's August. It has been eight years, Ladybug - how have we survived without you? This song has a million meanings to me. And sometimes, I kn...

Here is what I wrote in an email, and I'm posting it here because I feel so strongly about it: Yes I am still upset. I feel betrayed. I feel you are supporting him. I feel not saying anything to him is letting his behavior slide and letting him continue to act the way he does - which is not an acceptable way to treat people. That's the whole reason I emailed what he wrote to me to the whole team - I don't believe what he said should ever be said by one human being to another. His words were hurtful and just plain mean. I still doubt myself when I think about what he and Gwen wrote to me - and I don't even want to know what Josh and DeAnna have said. So yes, my friends staying on the team bothers me some - taking privates with Dakota bothers me a lot because anyone who can create that much self-doubt in a person (especially in a person like me who usually doesn't care what others think) should not be tolerated. Dakota made me doubt my dance abilities when he r...

So nothing happened about my last "controversial" post that I was so worried about... but there's a huge shit storm over the one where I'm wondering whether or not to stay friends with someone. What the hell? I have to have two surgeries in the next month - I'm really not so much up for all this arguing. I can barely stay awake b/c my sinus pressure is so bad. I WANT THE BULLSHIT TO STOP.

I am thinking about starting a third blog. It's where I will write about my life if I didn't have CF - or the life I want, or the life I have but would prefer my friends and family don't read about. I would write things like, "It's 11:35 and I just got home from work, but at least the tips are good." I could write about things that have happened to me like dealing with the fat man with the little penis. These are just stories I'm not comfortable writing in this blog - my most honest blog (since the other one that exists is a travel blog...). I'm timid and not quite sure how people would react to true entries like the one I thought of on Sunday. I'm going to be brave and write what I wanted to write. Here it is, The Things I Didn't Admit Publicly. Ray, my 400 pound nurse, was here. He is a special human being, the kind that brags about the 38 guns he owns. And that doesn't include the handguns. He's an Obama basher and girl watcher...

This may be volume three or four of the "You don't have to fix me" series, but let's just call it number two. The other day I ranted about some friends I've barely seen since I came home from Europe - and I was indicating one person in particular, and she knew it. Today she invited me to dinner on Thursday, and I accepted. Then I read her writings online and she wrote that being my friend felt like a burden. She said that we don't agree - and I am perfectly happy not agreeing with everyone - and that this last incident was the last straw (um, I guess the last incident would be the me feeling betrayed because I see my friends on the dance team staying with the dance team as betraying me... ). You know what... this is going to piss her off, but I don't care. This is what she said, "My friend's birthday was last week. I feel like I have done more, gone to see her at least. But the thing is we are not exactly on the same terms we once were. Our ...

What is mine? I'm confused about the dancing. I'm discouraged by dating. I'm focused on my home and my health. I know the friends I love to death, and I'm glad to be spending so much time with them. Other than that, I have nothing to talk about. I feel so boring. I'm so boring that now it is nap time.

Sometimes I look at my dance bag sitting between my two stools at the counter and I want to put it in the closet. I put things in the closet when I know I'm not going to use them for a while. Things in the closet stay in the closet. What I'm saying is, I've had the urge to hang my dance shoes up for good. I'm doing pretty good this summer. My lungs are holding on - and I'm hoping they'll make it until the 18th when I plan to start my pre-surgery IVs. Yes, I'm more active because it is summer and I will need something to keep me busy this winter, but why can't it be watching movies and doing projects like I used to do? I have this feeling that I'm not that good of a dancer, anyways, so I might as well quit while I'm ahead. I also feel like I want quitting to be my decision - a decision not based on my health. I know that when I went to the one dance I attended this summer I had a ton of fun - I loved dancing again, but I'm so nervous abo...

1. the ridiculous CD player in my bathroom - a. it exists, and I can't live without it. b. I once dropped it (b/c I took it to a dancesport practice... don't be bitter, Carla, don't be bitter) and now it has two volumes - off and max. It's a little annoying. I could just buy a new one, but that would require going to a store and I would spend more than I planned. I always do. 2. this annoying flu. And the annoying tooth. Right, I had the infection in my tooth, which is healing nicely (I can now close my mouth), and then I got the flu. Same day. It was fun. I still have the flu thing, and because of it I can't go to a party I really wanted to attend. Plus showering took all my energy. Go away, showering. 3. i've been so sick my mom had to come stay with me. end of story. She didn't call me on my birthday - she called me the day after and didn't mention the birthday, or the fact that we weren't speaking - she just pretended nothing happened....