Sunday, August 3, 2008

The Dancing

Sometimes I look at my dance bag sitting between my two stools at the counter and I want to put it in the closet. I put things in the closet when I know I'm not going to use them for a while. Things in the closet stay in the closet. What I'm saying is, I've had the urge to hang my dance shoes up for good.

I'm doing pretty good this summer. My lungs are holding on - and I'm hoping they'll make it until the 18th when I plan to start my pre-surgery IVs. Yes, I'm more active because it is summer and I will need something to keep me busy this winter, but why can't it be watching movies and doing projects like I used to do?

I have this feeling that I'm not that good of a dancer, anyways, so I might as well quit while I'm ahead. I also feel like I want quitting to be my decision - a decision not based on my health.

I know that when I went to the one dance I attended this summer I had a ton of fun - I loved dancing again, but I'm so nervous about switching teams and how that team works.

I love the people on the other team, but I had chosen the team I did because of the schedule. If I missed one week because I was sick it wasn't a huge deal. Yes, I was bored a lot of the time and felt that my instructor refused to teach me at the level I could/should be dancing, and I just don't want to start all over for a third time with my dancing.

When I danced in Milwaukee I finished the Bronze syllabus. My instructor here refused to teach me at a Silver level - he taught me basics and threw in a couple silver moves so that I wouldn't complain. I stopped taking private lessons. Now when I switch teams I'm going to start all over with the Bronze syllabus because I don't feel comfortable that I remember it all well enough to jump into Silver. I've forgotten some of the stuff, and I just don't know what to do.

I'm not going to pretend that I'm not nervous about switching teams. I'm still upset that I have to switch - I'm upset that I did all that work only to get kicked off the team. I'm upset that no one felt that it was bad enough to quit the team. I'm upset because I feel betrayed. For the most part I have moved on, but it still hurts and sometimes I want to hang up my dance shoes for good.

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