Learning To Live

I was sitting here at my desktop watching Season Five of "Mad About You" and playing Minesweeper. It's pretty typical of me when I'm at my desk. I watch TV and play Minesweeper or Solitaire - something mindless so I can pay attention to the show and think. And I was thinking about two people I know who would be a really cute couple. And I thought, "Yeah, well lucky for them they are both healthy." It's that whole - "No one wants me because I'm sick" thing. And I know I'm not the only one who suffers from it; we're the ones who have been rejected because our family is crazy or we are too sick or our left little toe is too big. And all we want is someone who understands. So my thoughts naturally went, well maybe I should only date sick people then because we would understand each other. My next thought was, "Yeah, but I don't really want to deal with that. I have enough to deal with." I am the people I hate.

What is wrong with me? I really want to be the glass-half-full person, but maybe I'm just not. Maybe the things that have gone wrong or have been bad will continue to eat me alive and I'll never get out of this mess. But I want to be happy and have positive things to say. WHERE ARE YOU, POSITIVE THOUGHTS?!?!

My life has a strange learning curve. One moment I think I'm going along fine and then BAM! I'm sad. I'm obsessed with picking at my face. I'm a mess. I'm angry about it now. I want to change. I'm going to change. It may take a long time to get all these confusing things figured out - and I may just have to learn to be patient, because that is one thing I definitely am not. And so begins (or continues) my journey to learn how to live in my own skin. How to own up to all the crazy in my brain, the illness in my body, and the sorrow in my heart. I'm going to learn how to live with it all. -- Post From My iPhone

For the first time in my life I didn't spend Thanksgiving with my immediate family. Not like Thanksgiving was a huge deal in recent years. I don't remember the last time we went all out and got dressed up and used the good plates and had way too much food. I've never really been to a Thanksgiving with extended family - and if I have, I don't remember. So this year, I was disowned by my mother. I worried for months about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Honestly, I'm still worried about Christmas because I don't have definite plans. But that is a different story. Today, it's all about Thanksgiving. I spent Thanksgiving with my best friend Sarah Lynn. Sarah Lynn and I have been best friends since Kindergarten. She's possibly the best person on the planet. I arrived Wednesday evening at her apartment. We stayed up late looking through high school scrapbooks and catching up. Her boyfriend, Chris, awed me with his cooking abilities. Things I would nev...

"I don't want to be the one who dies." "Then be the one who lives." - Private Practice A pretty good motto, if I say so myself. I'm going to be the one who lives. Sometimes it is hard to see friends die - especially hard if they die from the same thing you've got. It's a complete battle but I'm ready to take aim and fight every day. It's what I was put here to do. Fight, and write a book about that fighting. (Everything else is just fun, but I sure do like the fun :-) )

• I broke down and called Mom tonight. It's complicated, but I have been missing her - when I went bra shopping yesterday, when I heard a sad song earlier this week. And today my nurse was a nurse from the hospital who my mother really likes. It's really hard to breakaway. • Bra shopping is awful and tiring but I did it! I found a comfortable 36DD that doesn't come up to my neck. • My friends are the absolute best!!! I love them! • If I had more energy I would dance a lot more! • What is your favorite thing to give as a hostess gift? I need ideas! -- Post From My iPhone

A recent photo of me. What it looks like when I'm trying to write my book. My first sweater!!! I've been knitting since 2nd grade and I'm just now trying to make a sweater. I'm excited!!!

Last night I watched the latest episode of "Glee." Spoiler alert, in case you haven't seen it yet. In the show there is a character in a wheel chair. There was a wonderful scene where he is singing "Dancing with Myself" and he's dancing. It was expressing how alone he often feels and how he deals with it and moves on. At least that's what I got out of it. Maybe it was because earlier in the day I had been discussing with a good friend the perils of dating when you have physical and/or mental issues. The scene made me particularly happy because in my life I am trying to learn to be happy by myself. I'm trying to learn to be my own best friend, my own significant other, my own support. Trying to find my own happiness doesn't make me any less frustrated with many people in the "normal," "healthy" population. A good friend of mine recently had a relationship end because the guy couldn't deal with her 'unresolvable ...

It is way too late for me to be up. This probably won't be cohesive, but here goes! Today I am argumentative. I'm pissed. I'm pissed at cystic fibrosis. I'm pissed that it has taken friends of mine away from me. Today I desperately pounded out an email to my dad: "I feel sad because nothing fits right anymore. I can't believe I have just one pair of jeans. And then I have some yoga pants, but they are more "I wear these around the house because they make me feel like I'm dressed." I just want to go spend money. Arg. I have the dreaded "shopping makes me happy" thing Mom has. I learned that Craig from Cedarburg died this past week. He was a senior when I was a freshman and he had CF. So I'm freaking out. And a blogger I follow, also named Lauren, died this week. She was FINE in June, and now she's gone. She was blogging about how she'd gotten her FEV1 up from 47% to 50 something %, and that's about where I f...

I am redoing my book. Revamping, reorganizing, rewriting. Ugh. The book that I had almost completed? The book that I was so close to finishing? Yes, that book. I got stuck. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to finish. So I sat around thinking about it. I asked some very wise people their opinions, and I came up with a solution. I will redo the book. My dilemma was mostly I didn't know what to say about my mother. I could write an entire book about our relationship and all the things that have happened over the years. My mother is crazy - but I say that knowing full well my mental screws are quite loose. One of the main differences is that I go to therapy weekly, have a psychiatrist, and am medicated. And I get along fine. The other issue was my book is mainly about learning to live (see title of blog), with Cystic Fibrosis. But I don't just have cystic fibrosis. CF is the hardest thing for me to hide. I can hide depression and PTSD. I can hid...

This post is for me. This is my list of things I want to/need to do to get ready to put up my holiday decorations! Put away fall decorations. Vacuum. Clean the couch and ottoman. Move the big round chair. List of things I need to do/get: New shoes. Candles. Pair of cords. Sadly, I'm not losing any weight yet. One pair of pants will not get me through winter. Shirt from Crazy Shirts. Because I deserve another cute winter shirt. Round shiny ornaments to make wreath or tree or something. Stuff for gifts for people. Order Photos. 8x10s, 5x7s, etc. I think that's it for now.

I found this video today. I usually watch Momversation videos because I am with children a lot, I enjoy the panelists, and it's just a really well-done site. This video hit home. I feel I can never do enough for depression and mental illness. Mental illness is horrible. I've said this before, but I have very little trouble living my life with my physical illnesses - my cystic fibrosis and my diabetes (not to mention the fibromyalgia, endometriosis, chronic migraines and something I'm sure I'm forgetting). I really don't mind them so much. I have to take medicine and do treatments, but those are okay. Sometimes I get angry or sad because this is the way my life is, but for the most part, I accept it. When I am not sufficiently medicated for my mental illnesses (PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc.) I am a complete mess. It's hard to put into words the difference between physical and mental illness, but I'm trying. Mental illness is all-consuming. You can...

I'm organizing my house. The WHOLE house. At first it was going well, but I think I started before I was babysitting regularly. Anyways, I started in the master bathroom - and it went well. It actually is still pretty organized. And my bathtub makes a GREAT clothes hamper. I have yet to put the actual hampers back in the bathtub. The hampers are still in the dining room. Oh, the dining room. What a mess. Apparently, my idea of organization is also decoration. As a way of organizing I have hung photos and decorations. It gets the photos up off the table and onto the walls. I call that organizing. I still have a few things to hang - like switching some photos out of my room and into the guest bathroom, and then hanging more personal stuff I have on that wall in my bedroom. I also have a memory board to hang in the den. And photos of me as a baby in the guest room. I should probably get at that. It would make me feel like I accomplished something fantastic, even thoug...

I like country music. Not gonna lie. I drive my brother nuts with my admiration of country. He starts to wail and scream if I pause on a country radio station in the car of if I want to listen to the country song that comes up on my iPod. What a baby. I listen to his crap, but that's not the point. Country music is catchy and has a good beat; those two together tend to leave me with the songs stuck in my head. In fall of 2004 I was a freshman in college. I had my own room and was able to listen to whatever I wanted. I became a big fan of Toby Keith's song "Stays in Mexico." Either that summer or the summer before I had seen Toby Keith in concert and had so much fun I became an instant and true fan. In November 2004 I had my appendix taken out. When I woke from the first surgery I made sure I still knew how to do double and triple integrals for my calculus midterm, and then I went back to sleep. The next day I nearly died from blood loss and had emergency sur...

I've spent a lot of today desperately trying to find where to get my H1N1 shot. In case you don't know, because I have cystic fibrosis I can not get the nasal vaccine. Mine has to be the shot - which is even more impossible to find than the nasal one. I get distracted so easily - like I think it's time for me to go turn the baby so hopefully he will go back to sleep. I am babysitting. Anyways, while I was looking for the H1N1 shot, I was also browsing the internet. Checking up on blogs I haven't read in awhile, facebook stalking people I haven't had contact with in way too long. Most of what I read was written by CF friends. People I don't know in person, but who I don't think I could live without. We talk almost daily - at least leave little notes for each other on Facebook. I love these people. They give me suggestions on how to feel better, how to get through to my doctors, how to live my life. And I like to think that my little suggestions help ...

Today was a bad day. I suppose I enjoyed knitting and watching 2 movies and many shows on my DVR (GLEE!), but today was a bad day emotionally. Every morning I wake up around 7:30 and have breakfast. Banana nut cheerios. I love them. I hate starting my morning without them. But every day for about the last week my blood sugar crashes at 11am. Crashes to the point where I'm shaking and wobbly and can't think straight. So I have an early binge lunch. Every time it happens it scares me. But I have been logical. After the first two times it happened I changed my insulin - gave myself less with my breakfast, but my blood sugar still plummeted. So I gave myself no insulin the next day. And crash again. I decided I had gone the wrong direction. I gave myself a normal amount yesterday and a little extra today. Crash and Crash. So in my head I am panicking that my diabetes is out of control and I'll never be able to fix it (see the scientific way I went about trying t...

First, a very Happy 24th Birthday (today) to my best friend since Kindergarten, Sarah Lynn. I love you! One year ago tonight I was helping another best friend push. And push and push and push. She pushed herself to the very limit, and I'll never know how she found the strength to do it. I don't think I could have. While I didn't actually witness the moment of birth of my (honorary) nephew, Luca, just being there for the whole experience was something I will always treasure. I know that my body isn't strong enough to carry a child (not to mention that my mind isn't healthy enough to be without my happy pills), so being around the strength, pain, and most importantly the love of the process of childbirth was a true gift. I wandered the halls of the hospital that night, waiting for Chris, Kyra and New Baby Luca to return from the recovery room. It was so quiet - but a happy, peaceful quiet. I've wandered many halls of hospitals late at night. I loved being ...

Tonight as I was driving home I was flipping through my iPod to find a song I wanted to listen to. Sometimes I'm really picky about my music. I have to be in the right mood to listen to certain songs, and some songs I get really tired of. But there are some songs I very rarely get tired of. And there are some sad songs that I almost never skip over. I can listen to them when I'm in any mood. Tonight I came across, "Concrete Angel" by Martina McBride and I played it. I had skipped about 30 songs before I finally settled on "Concrete Angel." I listened to it, and I finally understood why it has always been one of my 'any mood' songs. It touches me somewhere deep in my heart and I think the song has helped me through more than even I could know. The lyrics that are particularly relevent are: "The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask, It's hard to see the pain behind the mask; Bearing the burdon of a secret storm, Sometimes she wishe...

I didn't talk about yesterday here, but yesterday I was Wonder Woman. I babysat (got off early, which helped), went to the hobby store to get Halloween decorations, walked 1.5 miles on the treadmill, decorated my place, did the dishes, took out the trash, and generally was awesome. Today I am falling apart. I babysat, which went well, except for the coughing spell from the study drug I am on. I will talk more about the study drug later when I have made up my mind what I am going to do about it. That is one issue that weighs heavy on me tonight. I want to do the drug perfectly - like I did in the Cipro study, but this drug causes coughing fits. Not normal coughing fits. These are doubled over, my lung being hurled from my chest and into the next state kind of coughing fits. Then after I retrieve my lung from the next state, the coughing starts all over. And NOTHING helps. Not water. Not food. Not cough drops, nor steam nor any other thing you can think of besides the dread...

Here are some thoughts for today: Way to go, Wellsphere, I do not live in California. P.S. How do I fix that now? My best guess? Move to California. Way to go, Charter Communications, for charging me double what my normal payment is - which is way too high in the first place. I'll be calling you later today. Way to go, Chemistry.com for introducing me to some of the worst people on the planet AND charging my credit card without my permission for another 6 months of misery. I'll also be calling you later today. Way to go, Post Office. You suck. A certified letter comes and gets all screwed up. And now I have to go to the post office to pick it up because I happen to not be home when the mail arrives.

I want to make changes to this site, my blog. I want to do a banner and make the background customized, and other things. I have been chosen to be a featured blogger on Wellsphere.com in the Cystic Fibrosis community. Goodness knows why I have been chosen, but I have. So they feature my posts (all the content remains mine), and link to my blog. I figured it can't hurt, and if the guy who runs the site sees some insight in my blog that I'm missing, well that's cool. But I really would like to update things around here, but I have no idea how. Help?

When I was in high school and college I looked like I had an eating disorder. People would come up and ask me straight out if I was anorexic or bulimic. I would tell them no, but that I have trouble digesting my food because my pancreatic enzymes don't make it to my intestines so I have to take them in pill form. I had people come up to me and tell me how much they wanted to be thin like me. All this time I was struggling to maintain my weight and trying to gain weight if I could. In college, just to maintain my weight I had to drink Scandishakes - 600 calories in 8 ounces. I hated doing them, but I had to get my extra calories somehow. Fast forward several years and here I am, overweight. For my height, I am overweight. The chart at the doctor's office told me so. I need to lose weight and I don't know how. Blah blah blah eat less, blah blah blah more exercise. I know that. But does it work? I am trying to maintain a diet where I eat between 800 and 1200 calor...

I love you even when you are covered in blueberries!!! Mr. Big turns 11 months old today!!! I can't believe how big you are! I love watching your personality develop. Your parents are going to have a little trickster on their hands - but I love it. I love when you do something you think is funny. I love when you make you laugh. I love when we make you laugh. I love watching you learn to walk - but honestly, it's okay with me that you prefer to crawl for now. That means you're still little a little while longer. I love hearing stories about you from daycare! You're in the toddler room now, and you're the biggest kid there! That's why you're my Mr. Big! Recently, you tore up napkins underneath the table in your parents house - and I thought it was HILARIOUS. I find you hilarious. You're amazing - and every chance I get I tell someone about you. The things you are doing now, the things you like to eat (which is everything), the things you like t...

I love hotels. I always have. I find something romantic about them - it's something new and exciting and also comfortable. I'm laying in a king bed at a hotel in Springfield, IL. I know, you're jealous because I'm on your dream vacation to Springfield. Mine has elderly, hard of hearing, and senile grandparents as a bonus! Usually I would stay at their house like normal, but my grandmother doesn't own a pillow that doesn't have feathers, and down causes me to stop breathing. Pretty serious allergy. And it's really dusty there. So here I am in a king bed in a hotel room. Poor little me. Did anyone count the number of pillows on this bed? It is six. Heaven. Sometimes, I think I want to live in a hotel. I only cook with the microwave as it is, so that's not a problem. I think eventually I might miss my stuff. And the clothes I couldn't fit in a suitcase - I would miss them. And my shoes. And the Internet. I would miss my desktop and the now reliable, in...

Dear fans and friends, My Internet may or may not be dead for a long time. I hate typing on th iPhone. Especially long posts. Blarg. So while I'm thinking of entries I'd like to write, I hope I don't forget them before my Internet works again. Love, C -- Post From My iPhone

I have a strong urge to watch home movies from when I was a little kid. I want to hear your voice. I know hearing your voice will only make me sad, so I stop myself. I'm 23 years old and I don't understand. I don't understand why you are the way you are or how I ended up here or why I have all these confusing emotions. Sometimes, I want to write about everything honestly. I want to write about pain and destruction. I want to talk about floods of tears and shaking in fear. I want to be honest. I want the world to know the truth. Parts of me are afraid if I write honestly I will lose any chance of ever hearing your voice again. I want to hold onto the possibility of you sitting by my hospital bed after surgery and giving me hugs every night before you leave, because there are some things I can't imagine doing without you. When all this first happened I could never imagine doing home IVs by myself. To be honest, I couldn't imagine doing much of anything witho...

Dear Internet, You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... Not really, but it is severely nice to be sitting at my desktop computer using the INTERNET. The one that connects to the outside world and does things OTHER than bring emails to my phone and send twitter messages FROM the phone to the internets, where I ASSUME they are published. But only if I'm in a good reception area. My brother keeps telling me I need a new modem, but I SWEAR I'll keep limping along with this one until I can no longer get it to work EVER, and then I will buy a new one. Then I will unpack it, and glare at it because it is not working until my brother comes to plug it in. Mainly, because it is dusty under my desk and why get dirty when I don't have to? Once Darin plugs the new thing in I will jump and giggle and probably post about my new found ability to do all sorts of things on the internet, like listen to music, download it, watch TV and movies, and read all those Mommy blogs I have been mi...

This is going to be one of those boring posts where I talk about my life. I love living my life. It's a really fun thing to do! Have you ever tried living your life? I hope you're having as much fun as I am! Now I will stop talking like a Dr. Seuss book. This week I worked 17 hours. Can you believe it? I did it. I survived. I'm also talking as if this week were over and it's only Thursday. Today I took a total day for myself and stayed in my PJs all day. I took naps when I needed it and ate stuff. I didn't overeat- I'm just getting the hang of this "diet" thing, AND I'm starting to lose weight, so I don't want to jinx any of that. I really enjoy that the hardest part of my day is deciding what to eat so I stay in my "allotted number of calories" for the day. I really miss my friend Eab at this point - she was really good with this stuff. She knew Weight Watchers like the back of her hand. I could use her guidance. Excep...

NCIS is one of the few crime solving dramas I haven't watched with obsestivity. I now have USA network in HD, so I am obsessively DVRing all the episodes they play. Right now I'm watching an episode where Abigail Breslin ( the genius actress from Little Miss Sunshine) plays a blind girl. This is one of the best episodes of television I have ever seen. And it was worth blogging about. -- Post From My iPhone

So I'm up too late. I should be sleeping because I babysit at 9am. But while I was in the shower, I was able to work on extracting a booger. Yes, I'm talking about boogers now. I could feel this booger causing pressure, but I didn't know how to get it out. Rinsing my nose hadn't budged it, so I decided to dig around and mine me some boogers. I was pretty sure this booger was in that little space straight back in your nose - the space you can barely reach with your little pinky because that's the only finger that fits. Well this booger was there - but so far back I could barely touch it - and I've got long nails. So it's me, versus the booger. And when I say booger, i know most of you are thinking the consistency of snot. But in order for something to cause that much pressure, it's more the consistency of rock. So i'm rooting around poking at the pressure-causing rock booger and I'm not getting anywhere. It's frustrating. I've been blowin...

Today I did a load of laundry. The entire load from start to finish. And yesterday I finished a load I started Sunday. That is two loads of laundry in three days. To me, this is a sign of my new life. I am calling it "The Can Life" because I CAN do anything I need to do. This is not about me striving to do all the things I want to do - although, there will be a lot of that still. This is about me striving to do the things I NEED to do. Pouring my meds on the day they need to be poured. Emptying the dishwasher when it's done. Loading dishes after every meal. Doing the laundry when I have a full load to do. Showering. Making my bed. Cleaning. Fixing meals. Exercising. Living my life successfully and happily. "The Can Life" is about me finding who I am by doing things. I will take out the trash and send in the parking ticket for review because those things need to be done. This may fall apart a little when I get sicker, but hopefully not too bad. I...

"Well it's my birthday, too, yea." It's my 23rd birthday. Usually, I don't like my birthday. That's not true. I love my birthday. I love celebrating that I have beaten cystic fibrosis for another year. I love celebrating my life. If it were up to me, I'd have a huge blowout EVERY year. Such as it is, I don't celebrate by birthday ON my birthday in the last few years, because my mother refuses to wish me a happy birthday. It started when I was 17. She canceled my birthday. She didn't cancel a party or something grand we had in the works to celebrate. She canceled the actual day. She didn't speak to me all day and refused to wish me a happy birthday. And then the next year, when I turned 18, she did it again. Last year I thought we were good. My parents came down the weekend before my birthday and we went out for a birthday dinner. I'm pretty sure she wished me happy birthday at the dinner - but before they left, she got into a fi...

Here are a few things I miss about my mom. •Watching SYTYCD at the same time and calling each other after every dance. •Calling her while I babysit to tell her all the wonderful things the kids do. •Telling her all the adorable things Luca does. •Shaing our joy over good lung functions. •Having someone to call no matter what I'm happy about - like when I walked to the pharmacy today. •Being able to talk to someone even when I'm upset about stupid things. •Hearing about what the dog is doing. •Her hugs. I miss my mom.

PFTs are UP! What's that you say? My lung function tests are better than two weeks ago and I haven't started the study drug yet? Yes indeed. Damn straight! 94% and 57%!!! Gotta love it! That's right, I plan to have my PFTs go up the whole time during the study because I plan to exercize more and more - as much as I can. That's right. Workin' hard for my lungs. LOVE it!!! Yay!!!

I hate that ENT is already way behind at 9am. Fuck this shit. I'll come back when I'm sick again. This clinic wastes so much of my time. -- Post From My iPhone

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I'm on a spiritual journey and it's taking me many places. My journey started in Italy - a place I have actually been. Then it took me to India and Bali. (that was in "Eat, Pray, Love"). In that book I discovered that I have a soul that I need to look after and I need to actively take care of it or it will wither. And the same goes for my happiness. If I don't actively pursue happiness, it will never find me on its own. I learned many sage lessons from that book. Next, I went into a world where Medicine and The Law crash into each other. "My Sisters Keeper" was a wonderful story. I related in many ways because of the medical procedures being done, but I couldn't relate at all to being used to save my sibling. I wonder if that's how my brother ever feels. He wasn't conceived to save me, but it was partially (or mostly, depending on who you ask), because I was sick. My mother wanted a healthy ba...

Here is a spoof of Supercalifragilistic... I personally LOVE it. I find it truthful, honest and fabulous. Just as a little background, Bob Flanagan wrote a book (and eventually there was a documentary) called Supermasochist. He uses masochism to deal with the pain of his CF. And I feel like, "Hey man, do whatever you gotta do to get through it." Here's to Bob. He lived to be forty-three in an era where the median age of survival was about 19.

I can check my blood sugar anytime I want, but many times I want to check my O2 level. I feel funny and light headed and I'm pretty sure my pulse ox is low, but I have no way of knowing for sure. -- Post From My iPhone

I'm a day late, but Happy 9 Months Luca!!! Hope it's a SCREAM!!! Love you with all my heart, Mr. Big!!! Love, Auntie Carla

I can't say it. I don't want it to be true. So the shit has hit the fan, so to speak, and I don't want to write about it. I can't talk about it - and we know that if I can't talk about it, it must be really awful, because I will talk about anything. I had a nightmare last night. I only remember small parts, but right now, that nightmare seems a better place to be than my reality. I want to write all my emotions and get them out - but I don't want to admit they are real just yet. Basically, I'm a mess.

Why doesn't Hallmark make an "I'm sorry Mom" card? The inside would say, "I can't imagine my life without you. I love you. I want us to be friends. We don't have to see eye to eye on everything - we just need to not fight about our differences." "I'm sorry I can't support myself and at times I really need your help with everything - from dishes to bathing. I'm sorry that you have a sick child. I have no idea what that pain feels like. I only know the pain of being the sick child." "I'm sorry about Mother's Day and your anniversary. If I could, I would do something like I did for your 25th every year. But I can't afford it and I'm not that creative." "i want to be happy. I want you to be happy and satisfied with life. I want us to live our lives to the fullest. I wish you could live your life instead of waiting for me to die." "I love you, Mom." Why doesn't Hallmark make that car...

I am fat. And I am okay with that for now. I am going through a ton of rough things right now, and I'm okay that I'm eating my pain. My plan is to fix myself emotionally - which is going pretty well. The book, "Eat, Pray, Love" has changed my life. I read it when I really needed help and guidence and it was the perfect thing to read while my world was falling apart. I'm slowly putting it back together, and hopefully it will be better than ever before. Thanks. Carla -- Post From My iPhone

Today I showed up for my 9 am appointment and was told it was actually scheduled for 10 am. I know I wouldn't have done this because I originally had a 10am appointment across campus. And I have an 11 am appointment Hella far away from where this appointment is. I hate scheduling appointments. I now will sit in this waiting room freezing my ass off when I really want to be in my bed. Did I mention the waiting room smells like severe BO? Because it does. I love trying to fix my crazy. -- Post From My iPhone

Dear Firepersons, Would you mind turning off your lights? They are all blinky and keeping me awake. You probably don't know, but I'm crazy. My PTSD is bad and I don't need all your blinky shit keeping me awake - especially since I am also in a fuckton of pain from my sinuses. That's right. Less than a month after surgery and I have unbearable pain again. I know that this is what Percoset (I can't spell; quiet y'all) is for. I just don't like to drive while I'm taking the strong junk, and my little bro is only here for a couple more weeks. The fact he is trying to end up a productive member of society by going to college is totally interfering with my plan to have him take care of me and be my personal assistant for the rest of my life. I'm also having some trouble telling what's real and what was a dream. Like whether or not my mother grew to about eight feet tall and demanded $25,000. This whole reality thing can be soo confusing. So please t...

In my world, some things are much more important than others. I prefer the words in the card and the sentiment they bring over the present the card came with. I would rather have great company and great conversation than a night in a club with people I don't know. I love having unwavering support in all that I do and a best friend who always knows how to cheer me up when I feel down. I love living in the moment and being silly. A silly companion is better than a serious one. I love to travel and to travel with someone much wiser than myself. I love to laugh. These are just some of the many reasons why I love you, Dad! Happy Fathers' Day!

Dear Friends, I usually have to deal with a lot of people not understanding my cystic fibrosis. That I am used to. I also am very good at explaining it and my daily life so they sort of can pretend they understand what my life is like. I don't often have to explain my mental health issues, but today I do. I know lately I haven’t been myself. I’m assuming you all have noticed and this is my attempt to explain that. This is my email to all of you and I’m also going to post parts of this on The Blog. So mainly you’ve probably noticed or been informed of my problems with a female friend. I’ve been unreasonable and heinous. I am the first to admit that. Only in the last couple weeks have I realized WHY I have such problems and why I’m unable to control myself. Said female friend tends to be a little controlling, and sometimes reminds me of my mother- and with what I’m currently going through she is a PTSD trigger for me. I will explain more of what that means later. For t...

Patsy Cline would be so proud. I'm that Crazy. Being crazy is harder than being a CFer. Can I give up now? YOU love me, right, Internet? More about being crazy later, when i'm feeling less crazy. -- Post From My iPhone

Happy Birthday Luca!!! I know your mom and I count your birthday differently, so in my mind you turn 8 months old today!!! I can't believe you are so big! I love watching watching you crawl and pull yourself up on things!! And yesterday you had your first gelato! Big deal for me! I love you so much kiddo! -- Post From My iPhone

Twitter from my phone is down, so I'm going to post some observations from the day. *sitting with friends, eating ice cream, and watching fireworks is one of the best things in the world. *the town should have called their event something other than "big event" *in my ideal world, I would get married and we'd live with my favorite couple and their kids. I think it would be great to have 4 adults live in the same house. *I'm sleepy. -- Post From My iPhone

Dear Friends, I love you. I love you more than you know. And right now I'm having problems with my PTSD, and my mother. I will give you info individually about my mom. I need you to know that I need your support more than ever right now - and I know that a lot of stuff I've done recently probably seems out of character and mean. I'm sorry for all of that, but the short answer is PTSD. It is awful. I love you and hope I can still count on you guys. Love, Carla -- Post From My iPhone

People often ask me how I'm doing, and I'm never quite sure how to answer. But today I'm going to answer. My CF life is going well. I'm pretty healthy and feeling good. I also have clean sinuses! My mental health isn't going as well as I would like it to. I would like to stop picking. I would like to be able to control my emotions better and be in control of my life. I want to stop hurting myself. I NEED to stop hurting myself. Thank goodness for getting in to see my therapist tomorrow morning! -- Post From My iPhone

I have a physical mother. She gave birth to me, and for the most part, takes very good care of me. But not everything is quite right. I know all families have their problems, but I have a big one. I am never good enough for my mother. No matter what I do, it never makes up for mistakes I have made in the past. I am never responsible enough, never thankful enough, just not good enough. I have had "last straws" in the past while dealing with my mother. I have sworn to make it on my own, but I have absolutely no idea how I would do that. I don't know how to do things without help. I sit here in my living room right now thinking maybe I should move in a place with roommates and take the bare minimum of things with me. Maybe I should just do it. Maybe I can't. Maybe I don't know. Maybe there is another solution. In addition to the loads of therapy that will get me through this, there is another way to help myself. I now need therapy for my depression, wort...

I have mentioned my brother, Darin, is staying with me. He didn't get a summer internship, but has a camp counselor job later in the summer. Until he leaves, he is living with and taking care of me. Before my sinus surgery we did some cleaning and laundry. By "we," I mean "he did the work and I barked the orders." I barked out where to put away all the things I had in my suitcases, where to put clean laundry, how to load the dishwasher, how much water to put in my glass, and how to pour my weekly meds. I sure will miss him when he leaves. The main reason I'm writing about my brother today is because he's amazing. My surgery was figuratively and literally painless. I checked in about 1/2 hour early and was taken to my room right away. Darin and Mom were both very good, but especially Darin. I'm used to Mom taking care of me and doing things for me before and after surgery, but I'm not used to having my little brother there. Darin did wonde...

I had sinus surgery :-) yesterday. Felt better immediately and got to come home same day! Now my anesthesia is wearing off completely and I'm on a pain med. That is all. -- Post From My iPhone

This is obnoxios. I don't mind posting from my phone in a waiting room or while on vacation, but when I'm in my own home my own computer SHOULD have the internets working! I miss using a real keyboard. My bro was nice enough to allow me to send a way overdue email with his compy, but I have so many things I need to do on mine. Speaking of frustration, this week is going to be a giant ball of frustration. Today I slept all day. I was awake every few hours, but I had on the All-Day Golden Girls Marathon and I slept. The pain from my sinuses is too much to bear, so I try to sleep through it and my brain just shuts down. This is really fun. Try to get anything accomplished when your brain funks out on you. It makes things interesting. I can't handle anything beyond the pain. This is the time when I get so overwhelmed by the pain and pressure that I get ornrey. I pick fights and like to throw things. Nevermind the fact that I also like to hurt myself. That's something I...

It would be very nice if my internet at home worked. I have this huge desktop that is currently a colorful paperweight because I can't get the Internet on it. There are things I would like to do that are so much easier from my desktop than from my phone. *le sigh* The goal for this week is to get my house organized so that I can focus my energy on finishing my book. I just want to get it done and published. And I'm thinking of doing a video blog on CF. And I want my brother or someone to develop my new website (not that I had an old one). I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do. We need to keep an eye on cfvoice.org because in a couple days their whole site makeover should be done, and soon after that my podcasts should go up. I have been told I should do my very own podcast by a podcast master, but I'm not confident enough. I don't know what I would talk about. But it would be so lovely of my home Internet were working. -- Post From My iPhone

Life is a learning process. If you're good at it, you will never stop learning and growing. If you happen to stop learning, I have no idea what happens but I'm sure it isn't good. In my short 22 years on this planet I have learned more about a lot of things than most people have the opportunity to learn about in their whole lives. I know how important it is to tell people how much I love them. I know how important every day is and I try to do something productive every day- even when I feel like sleeping all day. Even when I do sleep all day I try to have at least a few minutes of productivity. I know how precious life is and how not to take many things for granted. Time is a terrible thing to waste, and I try not to let petty things or bull shit take up my time. I also know who I am and what I'm looking for in life. Most of all I want someone to sit next to my bed. I don't really care who it is - ideally a significant other, but anyone will do. As long as they s...

I try to stay away from politics on this blog because that us not the mission of the blog, but I need to say a few words. Dear Rush Limbaugh, Rush, my dear friend, there us no such thing as 'reverse racism'. Racism is racism. Please stop talking. You make yourself look like a fool. And take Ann Coulter with you. Sew that woman's mouth shut or something. Love, Carla That is all. -- Post From My iPhone

I have a roommate for a month. I don't know how this is going to work because Ive never had a roommate before and I don't like to share. Especially when it's my television. I enjoy relaxing and watching shit on TV, thank you very much! When my mom stays here, that's what we fight about: the TV and who has the right to control it. Nevermind that I have two other televisions in my house, we fight over the livingroom TV. That's the real reason I'm nervous about having a roommate - what if he doesn't want to watch what I want to watch? I guess I'll just force him to watch it anyways. I can do that; he's my little brother. -- Post From My iPhone

So here I am in the New Orleans airport with more than an hour and a half until our plane will board. There is the gate check tag I need to get when an agent arrives at the counter, but other then that, I'm all set to go. Once again we had to buy a bag to get all our junk home - man I love traveling with Dad! It's just a small tote bag, so it's not a huge deal. Sunday night we went to visit the Greshams in their home on the Cane River. Tom is an old friend of my dad's from childhood, and that is where I found out that Zebras are for sure white with black stripes. Tom and Pat had a zebra skin rug on the floor. A REAL zebra that Tom probably shot himself. He is the host of the radio show "Gun Talk." Monday we went to Avery Island on our way from Natchitotches to New Orleans. If you follow my Twitted you know I saw me some gators! Real live gators just a few feet from me!!! And yesterday afternoon and today we explored New Orleans. What an amazing place!...