Learning To Live

Raging infection... in my tooth. My lower wisdom tooth is severely infected. We need to get the infection cleared up before they can remove it. I have to go to the dentist today. I haven't been to the dentist in, oh, about 2.5 years. I moved here and just forgot to find a dentist. Never mind that I'm diabetic and really need to keep up with my dental care. I just hate the dentist. Wee for a day at the dentist.

I'm having problems. Problems of the emotional sort. Today sucked. Sucked so bad I went and spent $200 on NOTHING. Well, I bought toilet paper, but that doesn't really count. My goal was to go to the store and buy toilet paper, but I found myself wandering around Target aimlessly adding things to my basket. And that added up to $200 - how did I do that? I know how I did that. I sat at home mopey about having to sleep so much because of my sinuses, sort of glad that I had no reason to shower today because I had the day off, and then I was thinking about my mother. And oh, the damage that woman has done. I don't know why, but it has really hit me harder this time. I think I'm figuring out why I do things and a lot of it is Mom. I hate to say that. I hate to be the kid who blames things on her mother, but I can't help it. Mom has screwed me up. You would be screwed up too if she canceled your 17th and 18th birthdays. Yes, she canceled them. And it's a...

I found my set of car keys with the whistle on it... turns out I was using a spare set, and my keys were at the bottom of my purse. Oh so silly! Because I know you were gripping the edge of your seat wondering if I would ever find my whistle.

Today was a good day. Cable was installed - best thing about the updated cable for the updated TV? DVR. That's right. No more commercials EVER! I can sit on the couch like a human couch potato instead of sitting at my computer like a computer chair potato and watch TV... and there will be a little variety to it, because I won't get obsessed with a show and then be determined to watch every episode ever made before I move on to the next show. But I do hate that waiting a whole week for the next episode thing. It's like they think my attention span is that long or something. So I officially recorded my first DVR stuff today. Yes, I have played with the DVR/TiVO at other people's places, but I have never recorded and then watched something on my own... And the first thing I recorded and then purposely waited until it was over so I could watch it with no commercials? Go ahead... guess what I recorded. No, I recorded Jeopardy! Because I AM that person. I set it up to...

1. I am missing my whistle from my car keys. So mad about it. I blame my mother because I can. 2. My mother is a nut job. Today she said to me, "I'm going to sell this place!" (This place being the home where I live, which unfortunately is in her name. Thank God it's also in my father's name). My father then said, "And then what is she going to do?" and Mom goes, "That's HER problem." 3. My mother is a nut job. So I forgot about clothes I had in the dryer... oh... a week ago or more. My mother discovered them today, and the mildew that was growing on the inside of the dryer (I had run the dryer, but they were mildly damp because they were towels). This sparked the never-ending yelling. Well that, and the fact that something dropped off a pizza I once made in the oven and was burning while we made the quiche for breakfast... oops. So anyways, Mom is screaming at me about the laundry and I go, "Well I'm sorry that when you ...

My mother left. We had a nice time last night with Chris and Kyra, but today, all she did is yell at me. I'm going to write more about this later - I'm pretty upset now and don't feel like writing about it. I was doing so well - I was so proud of myself. I was so happy that she decided to celebrate my birthday this year. I was doing great. And now she smashed it and I have to rebuild my self esteem. I hate this.

I have two friends conspiring to save my soul. I know one thinks that if I accept God into my life, I will get better. Good thinking. I think I have written about this before, but I noticed a post on Facebook about me and it just irked me. My soul is good. I do my own spiritual thing - what I need to get through my CF and the troubles I have. I take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Some people may not agree with the way I do it, but my way works for me and I'm happy. I've gotten myself through depression so far - and not to mention all those setbacks like, oh, dropping out of college, not being able to have a job because of my "disability" - I don't really like calling it that, but I guess that's what it is. I have gotten through being on oxygen and thinking I was near the transplant list several times - and I have bounced back and continued to work on all the things I love. I love the CF Foundation, I love babysitting, I love my ...

Me and Trinity: What a cutie! Chest PT on a baby: The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation discourages any contact among CF patients. Personally, I think this is overreacting at its best. Yes, some precautions need to be taken, but it has been blown totally out of proportion. I am writing this because the other night at Concert on the Square I held Trinity. Her mom handed her over to me, and we were talking and then she told me that Trinity has CF. I asked if I should take precautions and her mom said that it was okay for me to interact with her - and I feel that as long as the parent says it's okay, it's okay with me. And I did her chest pt - and it was a nice break for the parents. They have three children under three and two of them have CF. They have a 3-year-old with CF, an 18-month-old without, and Trinity, 2-months-old, with CF. If any family needs a break it's this one. I have always wanted to work with CF kids - and I know how much the CF Foundation would have nothin...

Today my mother said that there is a study that isn't formally written up yet, but that it is so conclusive that they are going ahead and telling people anyway. It is about cell phones. And my mother says that cell phones cause cancer. So much so that you shouldn't even have yours on. This is what that study said. I haven't read or heard of such study except through my mother, so this may be complete B.S. - I don't know. I'm just writing about what I heard. I heard that they are saying that you shouldn't let children use cell phones except in absolute emergencies. (Thanks, Pete, for causing someone else's child to have cancer by doing "baby's first cell phone." Just kidding, I think this is B.S.) Now I'm not all for little kids having cell phones - but it does make some sense to have adolescents carry a cell phone - so you can get a hold of your kid, or they can call you. I like that they say you shouldn't even have your cell ...

I haven't written much lately - I am aware. I will get on that, soon-ish, maybe.

I love babies. I got to hold Trinity (2 months old) tonight at Concert on the Square. I got to hold her and hold her. And I got to do her chest pt - which she slept through. I want a baby. And a marriage. It's been a bittersweet day, my friends, a bittersweet day. I love you, Chris and Kyra. Everything is gonna be okay :-)

My mother today asked the life insurance guy what would happen to the policy they hold on me, if I were to get married. I think this is the first time my mother has suggested that I might get married.

So the IKEA stuff is put together - It won't be in place until my Bday present comes and we set that up, and then the rest of the IKEA stuff can go to its final place. The only sad thing was that I was trying to put a light bulb in a light I bought, and the light broke. Maybe I or my dad will glue it, but it's tan triste! I was very proud of my mad decorating skills in picking out this light - and then it breaks. The bulb I bought at IKEA is too big - which blows. I was going to buy the little bulb, but I SWORE the display lamp had the bulb I bought. Guess not. I will look online and see if the lamp is available to order online - I hope so. Other than that, I love the new furniture and am going to have loads of fun putting things away :-) I'm so sleepy! Goodnight!

I ...but I have a Christmas gift bought. In JULY. AND I'm SOOO happy with the IKEA stuff :-) I'm in love.

I'm feeling better- I was just tired and overdosed on bad CF stuff. That end-stage blog stuff is hard to deal with, but I feel it's important. Not only for other CFers, but for the public to see how desperately we need to raise money to help these kids - the kids who may not get a chance to see high school - or even middle school. While high school may not have been my favorite period in my life, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I did some amazing things in high school - some things I think every kid should get to do. I went to Paris with the Marching band, just to name a major priceless thing I did. I played clarinet in Fiddler on the Roof, and piano for the Swing Choir. My mentors from high school are the greatest role models a teenager could have. I find these CF kids inspiring and I look up to them, even though I am older - but at the same time, I would do anything to trade places with them, even for a little while, so they could be happy and worry-free. So t...

Today is a bad day so far. Maybe it's because I've done basically nothing. Or maybe it's because I'm having a bad day in terms of depression. Does anyone know if with depression there are good days and bad days, even when you're on your therapeutic dose of medication? I hope not. I want just good days. I want Sunshine and Lollipops. Maybe I'm sad because I keep finding new blogs about little kids who have died from CF - at like, age 12. I hate that, but why can't I stop reading? The medical stuff I've found out is maybe too much for me. I'm now trying to digest what end-stage CF looks like, because I've never physically been near a friend who was end-stage. The two friends I've had die in the last year weren't extremely close friends, so I wasn't there near the end. Now I have read what end-stage looks like, and I know enough to know that it is bad. Very, very bad. And maybe I'm finally scared for me - but even more so,...

Cystic Fibrosis is not fair. It's just not fair. I'm not talking about me, because right now, I am fine. I am not currently suffering from my depression (I say not currently because I firmly believe that it will always be there - and I need the meds to correct the imbalance in my brain. I have gone through things I have written - mostly emails to my father - and I have seen how depressed I have been for more than a year. I talked about giving up, and not wanting to live anymore and not understanding why I was in so much pain). I have CF, but am doing what I am supposed to do to stay as healthy as possible. I will have my sinus surgery in August (the 22nd) and then spend some time in the hospital, which is okay with me. After surgery I will go back to dancing. Right now I have my pseudo-job (which, again, sorry, but I refuse to talk about it. It's not really a job - but I really can't talk about it) and my friends and my place that I am reorganizing, so I'm ...

I'm home, and actually got some stuff done today. It was too hot and humid for me to go to the Concert on the Square (which normally would have really bummed me out), but I accepted that it's one thing I have to give up to make sure that I stay healthy until my surgery. I have to do it for my health. I invited people over, but no one came - which is understandable because Concert on the Square is a big deal. So I caught up on some of my TV shows and took a nap, and watched more TV. This weekend is going to be so busy - I hope I can handle it. This blog is so boring. I hope you stop reading now for the sake of your own mental health. I'll let you know when I have something good to say. The end.

The mice want to play. My phone never rings when I'm at home, but here I am at my parents' place and the thing doesn't stop. My dad's surgery went well, as did babysitting the dog. I should return home tomorrow. My dad looks like he got punched several times in the eye, but they are pretty sure they got all the cancer. I poured my meds tonight - all by myself. I haven't read as much as I wanted or worked on one of my projects as much as I wanted - but these are things I can also do at home. One thing I can't do at home is shop at the outlet mall with Mom. We had a great time, and got lots of fun things! I'm still feeling really good - and can't wait to get home and partake in my GIANT weekend :-) The newest blog I've been reading is FriendsofPepe.blogspot.com - a girl named Gina has gotten her lungs, and this blog has truly opened my eyes as to how bad it can really get. Go back to the last couple days before she got her lungs - and it's ...

I feel good! I knew that I would! So Good! So Good! ...Right. I'm doing good. I have kept up with the dishes, and this weekend will do some laundry and pour my meds (under the supervision of my parents, because I probably wouldn't do them unless I was being watched). But the dishes, yes. I have kept up with them. And the showering - I've showered all but one day this week - and it's okay to skip a day every now and then. I'm just proud of the dishes, the watering my plant, and the showering. That in itself is an accomplishment. Now I need to work on pouring my meds on my own, (I can order and pick them up still - I never failed there), and doing my own laundry. Then we will work on the mess that is my home. I will get this place organized eventually! And someday I will put all my clothes away and clean my place - put all the crap that is lying around away. I know I'm doing better. And I think it's because I feel like I have a job. I can't go int...

I'm really tired of oh so many people. Including right now my mother - and possibly even my father. For my birthday, I asked my parents if we could get tickets to see a local production of the Mikado. I'd like to go because I know two people who are in it. I'd like to go with my parents and Sarah Lynn because they have actually heard of Gilbert and Sullivan. First, my mother was pissed that I was trying to talk to her while she was trying to watch the news - because the weather was on and they'd had some storms up there or something. Then, after I was forbidden to talk, she proceeded to yak about the dog and what was happening on the TV. And when I said that for my BIRTHDAY I would like to go see the Mikado - she moaned, "What day IS your birthday." And then she started to whine about how I "always have something up my sleeve." (Yes, it's called living life, maybe you should try it - you might have fun once in a while). And then she started...

I was finally able to hang out with a ton of people this evening. And it was a Twilight Zone experience finding out all these people from three different groups of friends know each other. CRAZY. Concerts on the Square are my favorite summer activity. You can get so many people together at a time and just sit around and chill and listen to music. And that's what life is about - chilling and listening to music. But there were some things I was planning on saying or talking about with various different people, and I was too chicken. So here they are: *Why didn't you stick up for me? *You're all protective of your friends, but you didn't stick up for me? *I have a crush on you. *There is NO WAY in Hell I would support the DanceSport Team in ANY way. After what Dakota did to me and the way no one stood up for me, why would I attend a fundraiser for that team??? *Art on the Square? Please? *When are we going to IKEA? *SMACK - That's for being an idiot. That's a...

If I wrote down everything I thought, this blog would be so much better. If I included all the crazy things that go on in my life, this blog would be so much better. But I'm still deciding what is too much to talk about and who I will and will not talk about and the subjects I will and will not talk about. I'd rather not self-censor, but if I just ran my big mouth bad things could happen - like I could get kicked off the dance team. Oh wait, that did happen, and I was being careful not to say anything too horrible. I need to make this blog more interesting. Maybe I won't censor myself so much... I will write one provocative entry and see what happens. ...but there's somethings I have to be careful about. My mother is worried that I will say something that will get my medicaid taken away (and I've never done anything to warrant the taking-away of the medicaid, that I know of, but those government people are tricky). I worry a little bit about what others will th...

I got many responses to my post about dancing. To Jen, yes I would like a part-time job, but I'll lose my health insurance if I work. So yay for that. And I was reminded that this fall I'll have a little person to help take care of - and boy do I love little people! Especially in baby form. I got an amazing email from an amazing person reminding me that she has been where I am - and she's now one of the best, if not THE BEST dancer I know (who isn't a professional teacher). And I will dance with the other team - I just won't have the administrative stuff I love doing. Maybe I'll enjoy dancing with no administrative junk. I still feel like no one stood up for me on the team, though. I know they didn't because they'd most likely be sitting right where I am if they had. It just hurts to see really good friends continue to take lessons from him like nothing happened. Like they have no idea the kind of person he is. I cared so much about the team - ...

My heart is broken. I was in love with the DanceSport team, and my heart was stomped on and thrown aside. Not to mention I'm not dancing this summer except for UWMBDA - so I don't have my dancing 3 times a week to get me out of the house - to keep me exercising, to keep me a little more healthy. I didn't just lose some dancing - I lost pretty much my entire life. I keep having the urge to move in with my parents for the summer because when I'm at their place I'm not reminded as often that my life is over. Every time I am reminded that I am not dancing my heart breaks. This afternoon I was reminded that the team is still having Tuesday practices - and it broke my heart. I want to be dancing. I want to be with those people. Then later my friend told me that she and another team member are starting private lessons next week - and I almost started to cry. Then she told me two of my other favorite people on the team might join her and the guy, but she didn't...

So I'm here, and I'm dealing with depression. And in this state I also have a lot of anxiety and fear - not fear of anything I should be afraid of - like serial killers or the boogey man, but irrational fears. Fears like that my friends don't like me since I've been back from Europe. I know that everyone is busy - and that's fine with me. I just guess I haven't seen everyone enough. I know I've been gone the last two weekends and this coming weekend I have to go home on Sunday or Monday because on Tuesday my dad is having a cancerous thing removed from his eyelid. When my dad first emailed my brother and told him that he had cancer, my brother replied, "Could you refill my meds." Yeah, my brother is really caring like that. I, on the other hand, have been freaking out. I know my dad has had lots of skin cancer removed - but this is something a little bigger on his eyelid - and they have to do re-constructive surgery to put his eyelid back tog...

I have a photo of my parents and me when I was a baby. I have it in 8x10 framed in my bedroom. It's always been framed in my bedroom - ever since I was little. Two weekends ago we went through all the photos in my parents' basement to look for old photo frames I could have for my redecorating project. We came across a huge by huge copy of the same photo. I had never seen it hanging anywhere, and I didn't even know it existed. And that's strange because when I was young I had a hobby of looking through everything in the basement. Maybe I was looking for treasure - but all I found were family photos and Darin's Legos. For me, the photo a little too large and a little too 80's to hang in my place. I have the 8x10 that will never move - but the huge by huge? It's just too big. The people are almost life-size - and that means the large glasses are almost life-size too. Why I'm writing about this photo is because my mother pretty much ruined it for me....

I've decided to try and post one photo per day. Here is today's. Nevermind. I've realized my travel photos are on my laptop, which is just way too hard to get out and transfer photos right now. So maybe tomorrow will start the daily photo thing.

Let's talk about these things in reverse order. I realized I was still depressed. I'm not the type of person who cries very often. I know that I'm having problems when I cry for stupid reasons. We upped my dose of my depression med, and I'm doing much better - so far. I was with my family over the weekend, and that always makes me feel better. We'll have to see how I'm doing by the end of this week to see if the meds are helping. I have only had to take small naps or no naps and I've been able to get a little done today - like the dishes, and unpacking a little. Hopefully I will be able to continue getting a little done every day - and then someday it will all be done. (insert insane laugh here because it will never be all done because I am so good at making a mess). I want to dance. I watched all the So You Think You Can Dance I missed while I was in Europe/busy before Europe... and I want to dance like that. I decided that if they get that pill t...

You know your town is too small when you run into people you know everywhere. You know that it might end up being a very awkward date if you show up and go, huh. My parents had their wedding reception here. Good thing he didn't show, anyways. I got to go home and sleep. You know you're hanging with the right group of people when you have intelligent conversation and a ton of laughs all in the same evening. You know, I may not know what's up with me and my sleeping in the den, but it's starting to not bother me. I've made a home out of my 10x10 space - and I like living in the 10x10 space. You know, I might keep up the internet dating just so I have fun and absurd stories to tell at parties. You know you're cursed when you think, "Hmm I don't like driving down this street b/c it reminds me of my ex." And then you run into him at the gas station on said street. Life really hates me sometimes. You know, the next time I'm seriously dating some...

Okay, to be fair, I had an opportunity to go to a dance workshop this evening - but I decided not to. I decided not to because 1. I didn't know if I was ready to dance yet, and 2. I decided to have dinner with a best friend instead. Now on to what I wanted to say. I miss dancing. Like really, really miss my dancing. I miss the team and the lessons and especially the Tuesday practices. I miss the team - the people. I miss my friends. I miss having something to do always on Saturday afternoons and Tuesday evenings. I lost a huge part of my life. And I think I just have to accept it somehow. Right now I don't know how to do that. And I know some of the crazy stuff I've been doing - not just crazy, but self-destructive things - are because I am desperately looking for something to fill the void that dancing filled for me. The last time I felt this sad and empty and was searching for something I moved to Madison. Maybe this time I should move to Europe. I am redecor...

"If I was a flower growing wild and free All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee. And if I was a tree growing tall and green All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves" I love that song. It's from the Juno Soundtrack. So today I went to the ENT and had my CT scan. The nurse brought it up on the computer before the doc came in and I was able to look at it before he came in. I already knew that none of my sinuses have any air in them - they are full of gunk. So I need surgery - but since I'm not currently in a ton of pain, I can wait until the end of August to have my surgery. Yay. I'm scared to have my surgery in the middle of summer because the recovery time is so long and I really want to get my redecorating project done. I know to get it done, I'll probably need help, but I'll figure that out later. Last summer when I had my surgery, I had my ex. He sat with my mom and brother waiting for me to come out of surgery, and he was th...

It's 6:55 and I've been up for an hour and 1/2. Wooo hooo. I slept until 5:30 this morning instead of waking up at 5. What happened to me waking up at oh, 10 am and then being able to go back to sleep? It died on that plane ride back from Europe. I can't even nap successfully any more. Today I have a CT scan - and I know what the Dr. is going to say. "You need surgery." And I'll say, "Can it wait until late August because I'm kind of busy enjoying my summer, and it'd totally suck to have surgery when all my friends are more available to spend time with me. Thanks." I guess I'll go shower because I have nothing better to do. Yay me.

Don't. That's my only suggestion. Don't do it... even if the older man seems great and in emails you get along wonderfully and you know his age, and it "doesn't matter." Inevitably you will find yourself in a hotel bar talking about his wife and three kids. END INTERNET DATING.