Thursday, July 17, 2008

Not Fair

Cystic Fibrosis is not fair. It's just not fair. I'm not talking about me, because right now, I am fine. I am not currently suffering from my depression (I say not currently because I firmly believe that it will always be there - and I need the meds to correct the imbalance in my brain. I have gone through things I have written - mostly emails to my father - and I have seen how depressed I have been for more than a year. I talked about giving up, and not wanting to live anymore and not understanding why I was in so much pain). I have CF, but am doing what I am supposed to do to stay as healthy as possible. I will have my sinus surgery in August (the 22nd) and then spend some time in the hospital, which is okay with me. After surgery I will go back to dancing.

Right now I have my pseudo-job (which, again, sorry, but I refuse to talk about it. It's not really a job - but I really can't talk about it) and my friends and my place that I am reorganizing, so I'm good.

But this seven-year-old, Garran, has CF and is so much sicker than I am. He is going through things that I never imagined could happen before transplant. (See previous post where I talk about Gina, or Pepe, a little bit - she shouldn't have to face these things, either.)

It's just not fair. I would rather go through these things for them. I would rather it all be on me - so that no one else has to suffer. No seven-year-old should have to go on the transplant list. Lung transplants on average last about 5-10 years. No seven-year-old should have to deal with that. I've had 22 good years. Put me on the transplant list and let Garran live to at least 20.

This disease is awful - and I've personally learned so much from those two blogs - so much about what could happen to me, what I might have to face, and what I hopefully will never have to go through. I know people who (as far as I know) got transplants before they were so sick their lungs completely gave out. At least I hope that's not what happened to my friends. I would feel like a terrible person if they had been that sick and I didn't know.

My point is Life isn't Fair, and Life with CF is about as unfair as it gets.

1 comment:

sixtytwodays said...

yep. I'm having one of those days, too. In addition to Garran and Gina I've been thinking alot about Haley Palmer and Kaylee Maze who died before they had a chance to be teenagers. Mostly, I've been thinking about their moms and wondering what I"ll do when it's my turn to watch my kid deal with the heavy stuff. This stupid disease sucks.

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