Learning To Live

Dear Carla, Please remember that you don't have to get everything done in one day. If your house is a mess for a week, it's not a big deal. You can put it all back together when you do have energy. Don't feel guilty for taking naps. Love, Carla

Sometimes, talking to certain people makes you think harder about your own life. I talked to several of those people today. It was a good day for talking to people. Today I got to help sort through my recently deceased friend's things. I got to know another friend with CF better. It made me never want to loose touch with anyone because the minute you do they could be gone. Today I talked to one of my favorite people to talk to and I realized again how lucky I am - and that I hate to take any moment in life for granted. I'm going to go out and grab anything and everything I can. I'm going to finish my book this spring - and start work on a 2nd. I have the idea. I know what I'm doing. It should be fabulous. All of this reflection made me then write this note to a friend: "so you're totally welcome to come over tomorrow - or today if it's already monday - but I know I probably sounded like I was joking about the unpacking, but I wasn't. I am a pers...

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? *Had to be on O2 24/7. That was scary. But I got better and now don't need any. *Went to Venice, Florence and Rome :-D *Vacay with just Darin and Dad *Raised more money for Great Strides than I ever had before 2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? *I usually refuse to make New Years' Resolutions because the disappointment of breaking them is hard. *I resolve to define myself so that I am comfortable telling people about my life. Am I a professional patient? Retired? Doing whatever the fuck I want so that I will be happy? Being lazy? I have no idea right now, but my goal is to become comfortable meeting new people and talking to old friends. 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? *Yes!!! Kyra and Chris. I was so blessed to be there, and am so blessed to be Auntie Carla to my little Luca! 4. Did anyone close to you die? *Great-Aunt Emma *...

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings! Whatever you celebrate, I hope you have a great time! I've had a great time. I, unfortunately, will not be able to attend an annual Girl Scout brunch tomorrow. It's going to be icy and snowy and neither my mother nor I want to drive. I wish I could be there - I love catching up with everyone, but the only drawback is I don't like talking about myself. I don't like having to thing and come up with something interesting that I'm doing with my life. I'm working on finishing a book. I'm working on making changes to the hospital and the medical system. I want to start a little online fundraising business-like thing. I am knitting and watching all the movies I can. I spend as much time as possible with my amazing friends. I spend time with my wonderfully silly family. There really isn't much else to talk about. I hate being a downer at parties - I'd just rather listen to everyone else and not t...

This is one of those random things that gets passed around... I got it from someone's blog. In bold are things I have done. Yay. 1. Started your own blog 2. Slept under the stars 3. Played in a band 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower 6. Given more than you can afford to charity 7. Been to Disneyland/world 8. Climbed a mountain (Hahahahaha no.) 9. Held a praying mantis 10. Sang a solo (I don't sing.) 11. Bungee jumped (not gonna happen) 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea (What?) 14. Taught yourself an art from scratch 15. Adopted a child (I'd like to.) 16. Had food poisoning 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (walked there... not going to happen) 18. Grown your own vegetables 19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train 21. Had a pillow fight 22. Hitch hiked 23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill 24. Built a snow fort 25. Held a lamb 26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a Marathon 28. Ridden in a gondola 29. Seen ...

I haven't written in my journal in the last several days, so I am blogging out of turn, but I will write in my journal after I finish writing this. But right now, this is more important. I love Ben Folds. Recently his music has been popping up in my life - and I always pay attention to the music popping up in my life. A friend of mine recently met Ben Folds and recorded a song for his upcoming album. While making dinner for the benefit we listened to "Rockin' the Suburbs," and I heard an A Capella group perform "The Luckiest" last weekend. "The Luckiest" has been one of my favorite songs for a long time. I often write about how lucky I am - and I truly am lucky. Today I had a hard time feeling lucky until the end of the day. I woke up this morning and decided to check my voicemail. On my land line I usually let my messages build until there are about 30, and then I go through and delete them. I knew I only had one or two, but strangely I d...

Dear Lungs, I know you and I don't always get along. A lot of the time you are the bane of my existence. You make it hard for me to do things - especially in winter. Besides all that, I'm asking that you please hang in there. I'm trying my hardest to keep you healthy, and it would be a real bummer if we have to spend most of the winter doing really caustic IVs that harm your friends, Liver and Kidneys. I know Liver and Kidneys pretty well, and they tolerate all that junk we need to keep you healthy, but Lungs, seriously, let's knock it off. Liver and Kidneys (and even Brain) don't need all those toxic chemicals. I'm sure they yell at you because they have to work extra hard when you don't cooperate. We have big plans this winter. We want to visit with Sarah Lynn and go to New Years Parties (if I have to spend New Years in the hospital, Lungs, I will not be happy with you). I want to go ice skating with my friends and help the CF Foundation. I want...

Dear Insurance Company, Thank you for putting a price on my life. I was having a casual conversation today with my brother about whether or not I should see the wonderful Doctor of Oz, he suggested that I see her without my parents knowing. I said I could, but that Mom might find out because she would get the billing statement. The Milwaukee Hospital of CF might actually have a.... wait, no. She shouldn't get the bill. I'm over 18... it's against HIPPA for her to get the bill. Huh. I should tell my brother that. Anyways, I had to explain to my brother that I'm slightly worried about going to all sorts of doctors in search of someone who gets me because I have a cap on my insurance. I had to explain this cap to my brother because he didn't know - and I guess most people wouldn't realize this about your private insurance unless you're really sick. My life is worth 2 million dollars to the insurance company. In my lifetime, they will only pay 2 million...

So I read this book recently, I may have mentioned it - and pretty much it gave me the self-confidence to actually challenge my health care providers without being a huge bitch about it. Name of book: "Sick Girl Speaks" - and actually, in all honesty, I had never heard of this book two years ago when I wrote an essay with the same title. Crazy how us CFers think alike. Now I'm going to have to get her permission to use the title for my essay, which isn't a big deal, she's great. And if she'd rather I don't use it, that's cool too. I'll come up with something else. Anyways, back to challenging my quality of care. I don't remember the last time I saw my CF doctor. Probably last February or March when I first met him. Yeah, that was the first time I officially met him as a patient of his, and the last time I saw him. I don't like this. Not one bit. But for now, it seems that my parents have convinced me not to challenge my own care. ...

I am hopelessly liberal. I thought one day I might be able to fight it and understand a conservative view point, but that day has yet to come. Conservative view points make my stomach churn, my eyes bleed, and my legs twitch. Well that last one could be restless legs syndrome, but the first two are an inability to understand bigotry. I know that not being able to understand how someone else could think like that makes me bigoted in my own way, so no need to point that out to me. That's why I'm writing this. I'd like to get over my bigoted thoughts of hate towards those who are bigoted, hateful people. Today, my nurse and I started discussing movies, leading to Heath Ledger and his role in "Brokeback Mountain." I said that I felt the movie was okay. Giant pause, my nurse said he didn't see it because he didn't want to watch gay cowboys. I shut my mouth so fast so all those hateful "you hate gay people" comments weren't allowed to esca...

Hello All. It's me :-P I'm still not sure what to write about - other than the fact that I am listening to a COVER of "Witchdoctor" ...and do we know which country it came from? If you guessed the Britain, you were totally right, and totally inSync with my iTunes. I have come across some totally amazing British SHIT. Total and complete musical SHIT, but it is genius in it's own way - like in that Hanson singing "Mmmmbop" kind of way. You just can't turn it off and when it comes on you need to dance. Thanks to Chris for helping me do some updates to this blog. I'm now using Google Analytics so do me a favor and click on random thing on my site. That, and visit me 40-50 times per day to boost my numbers. Like I said before, I'm still not sure what to write about, although Sarah Lynn and I had an amazing hour long conversation today. We talked about our AP Language Forgiveness papers - although my mother wouldn't sign the permissio...

I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to be upset over this or not. At the hospital where I get my pulmonary care - UW Hospital in Madison, we have had two CF Support groups for the past four or five years. When I first started attending 'couples' group, I fell in love with it. I loved meeting people like me. I have also enjoyed the singles group (where just the person with CF shows up), but not in the same way I love the couples group. A while ago I decided to stop pretending I could find someone to drag along with me to the meetings. I stopped dragging friends along. I wasn't sure what they got out of it. When I was dating someone long-term-ish I did take him, but one of the other members said to me, "Carla! You bring a different guy to each meeting." Awkward. My dad has attended with me, which was really good for both of us. My mom attended, but she didn't like it and wouldn't talk about it. But in the end, I stopped pretending an...

I have just read the reason for my addiction to Twizzlers - especially back when I was depressed. I used to eat them by the pound. Turns out sugar tuns to carbs, which contain tryptophans, an amino acid that triggers serotonin - the "Happy" neurotransmitter. They make me happy, literally. That's your random fact for the day.

Today I went to get groceries. I went to Target (Super Target) because it's slightly smaller area to walk in, plus they have my deodorant and toothpaste in the same stop. When I got home, I took the frozen/refrigerated stuff and brought it up with me into the house. The rest of the groceries are still in my car. I put away the groceries and then sat on the couch to catch my breath. I planned on going to games night in a couple hours, but instead, I woke up 4 hours later. Now, I have accepted my limits fairly well, but this is one that pisses me off. I should be able to get my own groceries! How can I live on my own if I can't get my own groceries? I mean, I also showered today, went to my therapist and stopped at St. Vinnny's to get more photo frames, but I still should be able to get my groceries. ...and the laundry I started this morning is still in the washer.

I finished reading "Sick Girl Speaks" by Tiffany Christensen tonight. It's honestly the best book by someone with CF that I have ever read. It's different from all the rest. It's great. I'd even recommend it to those of you who don't have CF - those of you who want to see into "The Sick World," as Tiffany calls it, without being scared out of your mind by gory details. If you would like to borrow my copy, you're more than welcome (you know, those of you here in town). I wrote notes in the margins - mainly for me so that I can write about similar topics later, but I underlined things that I agreed with. Fast read, nice print size, I loved it. I always find it amazing how much CFers have in common. When I first attended a CF meeting I thought they had cloned me and sat me down with my clones to chat about life. Sure our experiences had been slightly different but our emotions are so similar. That's always comforting. There are peopl...

I'm terrified my PTSD is coming back - even more terrified than I am of my CF. The PTSD makes me a different person - a VERY crazy person. A very ANGRY, crazy person. At least my CF can't take my personality from me. My dad says that maybe these are just normal dreams - but then why do they bother me so much? The following is straight from my journal entry for today. To catch you up, it's no secret that I was stalked in high school by a teacher and it caused my PTSD. A surgery that nearly killed me didn't help and triggered the big episodes of crazy, but the stalking started it. Also, the teacher was fired about 2 years after I graduated. I know why and how, but I don't ever write about it publicly because this is a public blog. So here's my entry. Last night I had a PTSD nightmare. It was awful. I had a dream that [the teacher] convinced me to date him and we were engaged. I remember him trying to trap me and I was running away. He desperately trie...

Notes to self: 1. Chill out. Do not pass out from a panic attack just because it has been almost 24 hours and you haven't heard back from that email... 2. Chill out, I'm sure your friends may still want to hang out with you even though you sent a very scary email to them. 3. Chill out. It was probably pretty obvious anyways that you are sick. They probably don't hate you because you have CF cooties. 4. Chill out. Go finish Journal 23 and you'll feel better. Especially after you start Journal 24. Even if everyone else hates you, your journal doesn't and neither do all those happy episodes of "Mad About You" on the DVR. 5. Chill out. You'll find the three last things you wanted to give as Christmas gifts but got lost when your parents cleaned your room - it got clean, and if you have to improvise other gifts, you will survive. You couldn't have cleaned it without them. 6. Chill the fuck out.

Here's a little something I came across today: THE MANLY LOOFA Because men need a way to keep clean. This made me laugh.

Dear World, This will be my last post until I get my act together and write in my regular paper journal. That is much more cathartic for me because I don't think, I just write.... I am not going to allow myself to blog until I have a good topic in my journal journal. I have made other rules for myself, mainly to help me get back to a good place where I know who I am. I am reading a book by a woman with CF who has had 2 double lung transplants. She is so wise, and I know she's more than 10 years older than I am currently - but her wisdom is what I crave. I know writing in my personal unpublished journals will help me get there. (by the way, her name is Tiffany Christensen and her website is www.sickgirlspeaks.com ) I think I have figured out why I have stopped writing in my personal journal recently: I am afraid of what my mother will find when I am gone. I have never hidden my journals - and I'm surprised she hasn't read them before. But I don't want to self...

I have loved putting up decorations for Christmas this year. I am so happy my house is pretty much done, and I love it. I love burning candles and curling up on the couch. Here are a few pics :-) The wreath I (and Darin) made for Mom's birthday. I think I did a pretty damn good job on my first holiday wreath. I'm now convinced I could do anything crafty. I'm going to try and post more of my decorating and crafty creation photos. My candles by the fireplace (it's a gas fireplace and completely useless.) Me putting the angel on top of the Christmas tree. My very skinny tree :-)

I couldn't believe it when I found THIS ARTICLE via CF Husband. I can't believe the ignorance of the student group. They didn't even get the facts of the disease correct. Anyways, it's just another reason I write this blog. I'm going to go ahead and work on starting a Q&A section on this blog... go ahead, ask me your questions! Thanks, Carla

My music addiction just got MUCH worse... I found NOW 71 (the UK is way ahead of the US here...) and my brain may die a happy little death!

So I had an idea just now to put together a panel of CF "experts" (parents, siblings, spouses, best friends, and CFers themselves) and set up a blog or a place where people can ask questions and have them answered. Seriously, ask me anything you want to know. Second part of this idea - use it as a way to raise money for Great Strides... meaning have people donate, and then we'll answer questions... Work in progress, maybe I'll get this done :-) Let me know what you think - or in the meantime, I will be answering questions via this blog. Shoot!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. I enjoyed my Thanksgiving, and here are some things that I am thankful for. 1. My mother and I are getting along. Who knows why, but things have been peaceful. Shocking, I know. 2. My family - this includes those whom I consider to be part of my extended family. People like Chris, Kyra and Luca, and Sarah Lynn. There could be a couple others - but those are the big ones. The people who get me, who understand my limits and my abilities, and the people I would give my life for. I have loved spending this week with my Mom, Dad, and Darin, and I'm a little sad to be returning home tomorrow. At least I will be going home to see La Luca who I haven't seen in more than a week!!! 3. My friends. Lots of times they help me out and I love them to death - especially because they make me laugh, but the verdict is not completely out, yet. My ideal would be to have them understand me as well as my family, but I don't think it is possible. My dad read...

So I have a few current addictions. I thought I'd take a moment and talk about them a little. 1. Candles. I have discovered the wonder and beauty in candles. I'm not big on scents, so I only will burn vanilla or peppermint candles, but I now have them all over my living room. I need some longer matches or a lighter. 2. Angles. I collect angel figurines - and the other day, while shopping with my dad, I found an angel candle holder - how awesome! 3. Anything European. Germany, Italy and the UK especially. I love the Brit Pop charts - have ever since the year 2000 when I was in England for a Girl Scout trip. I love the Euro charts - I feel the Europeans just have better taste in music. I love things in foreign languages, and those great songs rarely make the charts here. The Macarena does not count. 4. Audrey Hepburn. Old movies. There is something great about old movies. I can't quite put my finger on it yet, but I'm obsessed. 5. Doctor Who. Yes, a British ...

sometimes it amuses me how little work i have to do to get someone to offer to sleep with me, and how rarely anyone wants to date me more than a week. i swear i'm really not that big of a bitch. sometimes it amuses me how much i am willing to put into a relationship - how much i am willing to do for the other person. and sometimes it amuses me how little the other person wants to put in. sometimes it amuses me that the other person withholds from getting emotionally involved with me because they expect me to have huge emotional demands, when i really just want someone to hold my hand. sometimes it amuses me how scared people are of my disease. they think i will die tomorrow. i have at least 2 years people - they put you on the transplant list when they think you have about 2 years to live. sometimes it amuses me how close i am to a group of people until i have to do two weeks of ivs. then they think i have fallen off the earth and forget about me. and sometimes, i just want to...

There is a Montgomery Gentry song called, "Speed." The lyrics describe how I feel today. It's how I've felt for most of this home IV experience. It seriously makes me wonder whether home IVs are better, or if going into the hospital for 2 weeks is better. Why does time go faster in the hospital? Anyways, the lyrics I'm thinking of go like this: "I'm tired of spinning my wheels I need to find a place where my heart can go to heal I need to get there pretty quick Hey, mister, what you got out on that lot You can sell me in a pinch Maybe one of them supped-up muscle cars The kind that makes you think you're stronger than you are Color don't matter, no, I don't need leather seats All that really concerns me is Speed How fast will it go Can it get me over her quickly, zero to sixty Can it outrun her memory Yeah, what I really need is an open road And a whole lot of speed" I've been so frustrated during this round of IVs I feel like I n...

I was putting on makeup today when my brother starts this conversation: D: Carla, is that your natural skin color? C: You mean, before the makeup? D: Yeah. C: Yes. D: You look sickly. C: I am sickly. D: No, I mean you look dead. So I'm a little pasty. It then lead to these comments from Darin: D: You buy makeup for black people just to look normal. D: You should wear makeup for the dead, you know, if it weren't so harmful. C: Why, so I can get that nice embalmed look? D: You already have that embalmed look! C: I do not! D: You're right, you move around a little more.

So I'm in menopause, and I've noticed since my second shot that put me in menopause - wait, KEPT me in menopause - that I haven't been writing. I watch TV and sleep. Last night I noticed when I itched my port milk came out of my breast. Interesting. Yes. When I pushed more I noticed much more milk. So much so that I called my father into the room to ask why the hell I would be lactating. He said probably the Leupron - the menopause med. Today Dad looked up the menopause med, and less than 5% have lactation. So I'm in said less than 5%. 84% have hot flashes. Got those. Got those hot flashes hard core. I spend my days putting on and taking off clothing because I can't regulate my temperature. The last reported "side effect" was a development of a personality disorder - which is impossible and my father and I had a good laugh over it. Mom, on the other hand said, "Well if she's got that she's now got a better personality!" My mo...

Quote of the day, said by me to my mother: "Don't remind me that I'm related to them! It hurts my feelings!"

Lactating. One swollen breast with milk coming out. That is my new favorite symptom.

I haven't posted in a long time, and I realize that. Hopefully I'll think of something to say soon, and I'll be back here typing away. In the meantime, just imagine me in my bed doing IVs, because that's where I probably am. Love, Carla

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! That's all I have to say for now.

Again, I don't usually post anything political here, but I was on one of my CF groups and they were asking how everyone was voting. The main topics that were being discussed were health care, and a little bit about being pro-life/pro-choice and so I wrote: "I already voted Obama. I wanted Hillary, but Obama is better than McCain. And don't get me started on that dumb bitch and the crap she keeps saying about her "special needs child." A parent should take responsibility and be MORE involved in the care of a special needs child, not accepting the VP nomination. I think there are even more issues than those that have been discussed here. I'm pro-choice (not pro-abortion, but pro-choice. HUGE difference), anti-war, pro-national health care, pro-gay rights, pro Gay Marriage (not pro Civil union, but MARRIAGE. I'm actually ANTI civil union because it's not the same). I'm pro embryonic stem cell research, anti-guns, pro immigration, pro-Life - in terms...

I haven't written in almost a week, and I'm not quite sure what to write about. Hopefully I will look through my photos and find something.

I'm not a big fan of my current haircut. Maybe it will be good when it grows some, but right now I don't like it. I want to be able to let it air dry, but right now it only looks good when I blow-dry it and curl it. And those are two steps I don't care to perform. So these are a few old photos of me where I like my hair... And how do I make it look like this again???

I watch a lot of TV. I may as well just say "I breathe a lot of air," because that's about how much TV I watch. I watch the dumbest shows, and have found some shows I really enjoy. But today, I'm going to comment on "The Office." Yes, I am only on episode 3 of the first season, but so far, I hate it. It's not funny. At all. To explain me a little, I don't like "Family Guy" or "The Simpsons," but they are tolerable and occasionally make me laugh. So far, "The Office" has yet to make me laugh. Will someone explain to me why this is funny??? Please? I just don't get it. Everyone loves it - and so far, I just hate it. I like horrible, horrible television, but I just can't get into "The Office." Gimme my "John and Kate Plus Eight," and re-runs of "Mad About You." I'll skip "The Office."

Today is an organizing day. I'm going to keep track of what I've done. *Put away IV stuff *Found REALLY large needle/syringe hehe hehe. *Organized more craft stuff. *Cleaned out some of stuff in Dining room/Living room *Put yarn in new place *Put away some photos *Sorted stuff from Europe *Put away most things in the dining room *Very nearly got the entire Living room/Dining room done :-)\ *Put together a little Nativity merry-go-round thing (btw, it has TWO Marys... more about that later) *Took a shower *Did lots of other little things that I can't remember now *Made dinner (frozen pizza, but hey, it's better than Lucky Charms for every meal) *Did a little dusting

Chris B. made Mickey!!! :-D My non-Traditionally colored, traditionally carved pumpkin I

The other day my mother told me that women can get cancer from uncircumcised males.

Okay kids, here is what we learned today: * "There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time." -Avenue Q * I need to decide my purpose and then only talk about that when I meet people - I sound like an idiot trying to avoid talking about my CF. * "You can dance if you want to." -Safety Dance * Three ex-boyfriends in one room is never good. If you're there too, it could be hazardous to your health.

This proud Aunt just can't resist posting a new photo of her nephew - the most adorable baby EVER. I love you Luca. Love, Auntie Carla

Dear World, I got a tattoo. I thought you might like to know. It's not a big deal. I just decided this past weekend that it was time and I needed to do this. I know the exact second I decided. I woke up on Tuesday and knew that was the day. I wasn't scared at all. I guess you could call me the Queen of Needles this week - I got a tattoo (which didn't hurt, it's sore now, but doesn't hurt), I got my 2nd Lupron shot (in my ass), got my flu shot (which makes my arm sore), and got my port flushed. And of course I gave myself my insulin shots. All I needed was to have some blood drawn, and this week would be completely filled with needles. Of all the needles, the only one that hurt at all was my port flush. But imagine someone shoving a large 3/4 inch needle straight into your chest. It's going to hurt a little. After the initial stick, it's no big deal - and I'm used to it. This should be my only tattoo until they find a cure for CF - then I will ...

The worst part of having CF is hands down shitting my pants. I feel this is a real issue, and I can't be the only one that this happens to. Maybe I'm the only one to admit that, yes, I still shit my pants and I am 22-years-old. It's unexpected, on days when I feel fine. It may feel like a small fart and then OH SHIT, I CRAPPED MY PANTS. It's not real poop - it's oil that's left over from digestion. Basically undigested fat in a really yellow/orange state. BEAUTIFUL. And it's hard to get out of clothing. When I was in middle school there was an SNL skit - one of their commercial things - for a product called "Oops I crapped my pants," and I think of that every time I crap mine.

I voted today. I thought this kind of fit.

I am keeping a list of all the good things I do today. Maybe this will be a trend, and I'll keep a list every day until I don't need it anymore (this is my 2nd attempt to get things straight in my life. They are better, but not perfect. I'm picking again - which needs to stop, so hopefully a list of things I did will help that. I need to get my place finished. I don't care if it kills me, it WILL get done. Maybe I'll ask Mom and Dad for money for early Christmas so that I can get photos from Europe printed.) Anyways.... Here is my list: -Brushed teeth :-) -Went to OB. Got Lupron and FLU shots. (Flu shot is DONE). -Saw Dr. Martin. -I VOTED!!! Go and vote people, seriously. -Picked up all the paper that was on the floor of the den (still needs to be sorted - but it's at least in a bag with other paper I need to sort) -Re-organized the guest bathroom. Under the sink is neat and the way I want it. :-) -Emptied the Buffet so I can put IV stuff in it. -Put away...

I love fall - leaves, pumpkins, little kids dressed up in costume, big kids dressed up in costume, etc. I carved this pumpkin this past weekend while in Milwaukee. I still want to write all about that weekend, I just haven't had time.

Is there a place I could go where I'm in therapy for a week straight? They force me to get out all my issues and work through them in one week, and then I'm better - like, almost normal except for all those psych meds I'm on. I think they need to make a place like that. I think they have one - it's called a mental institution, and I'm not that crazy, yet.

Today I bought soap. I thought I might need some special kind of soap, so I bought a container at the store. I also bought Lucky Charms, my favorite eyeshadow color, and some other miscellaneous groceries, but I am going to focus on the soap. I bring this soap home - a bottle of liquid hand soap - and walk into the bathroom to set it on the counter, where hand soap belongs. There I find a bottle of hand soap - about 3/4 gone. I think, "good, you actually needed soap. Good purchase." I go to the kitchen sink and find two nearly empty containers of soap, so I throw them out. I replace them with the partial bottle from the guest bath. I go to my bath and find the full bottle I recently placed there and I think all is right with the world because I restocked my soap at just the right time. Later, I go to find more paper towels, and there under the sink in the guest bathroom, underneath several very large packages of toilet paper I find four unopened bottles of hand soap.

I got my hair cut today. And my eyebrows waxed. All spiffed up :-) My weekend was wonderful - and you can tell because I am too tired to type anything about it. So enjoy this flower photo instead.

I can't sleep. I really want to sleep because I have to get up in the morning. I have a fun day planned for tomorrow and the next day - and they will be full days. I want to be at my best. I need to get sleep. But instead of sleeping I am up typing because I found myself hurting myself as I was trying to fall asleep. I was thinking about the things that are bothering me and I was clawing at my back. Physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. I know how to deal with physical pain - it's the emotional stuff that really gets to me. I hate that I'm still awake. I keep thinking about one thing over and over and it's driving me nuts. I'm thinking "what's so special about her?" and "what's so wrong with me?" I don't get it.

Can we forget today? Well... it was fine until I started thinking about things. The part where I ate Lucky Charms and watched "Criminal Minds" was fine. The part where I talked to Sarah Lynn was great! The pouring my meds was okay, seeing my Dad - wonderful! Visiting Chris, Kyra and Luca was unbelievable as always - I love all of them so much. There's nothing like the smell of a baby - and holding such a little guy is beyond words. I can't even describe how it feels. It feels warm - that's the closest I can get. And games night was fun. It was the thinking about things that made me upset. The thinking about why I am the way I am and how I don't want to be different - but I would like some things around me to be different. I don't want to talk about it, so instead here is a cute photo: Isn't he the most precious little thing, EVER????

Do I have a nephew, or an angel??? October 14, 2008 Luca Theodore born to Kyra and Chris. 10 lbs 11oz. What a BIG boy! 22 in. He was delivered via c-section because he was stuck and too big to be delivered vaginally. I'm too tired to write more about it today - more pics later, too.

Well, I can update you about my day as far as Chris and Kyra have updated. I will not say anything else about today. A lot has happened but their blog has not been updated since around 4pm. This morning I woke up to a phone call from Chris. They were already in the hospital, and I have no idea what time it was. I know that I went back to sleep and Chris called me again later with an update - and I was still asleep, this time trying to get rid of a migraine. I eventually got up and had breakfast and then wandered to the hospital. I showed up at the birthing center and Kyra was smiling and not yet in much pain. I watched some TV with them, and for details you can read their blog . I had an appointment to go to, so I left, went to my appointment, came back to pick up Chris' keys, went to their apartment, and came back. Since then I have been on my feet. It's been a long day. Last Chris updated, she was fully dialated, and ready to push. I can't say anymore until he...

So, I decided I want to ignore my life right now... I may post a brief list of why I don't want to think about things, but other than that, I don't want to talk about it tonight. So here is my wittyness for the day. I was browsing through thousands of pairs of shoes online because just looking at shoes makes me happier (I have a problem, yes, I know). And I found some of the worlds UGLIEST shoes. For your enjoyment, here they are: Pair One: The Gladiator from Hell Who the hell would wear this??? Seriously, would you wear this with your favorite pair of jeans? I think it would be a waste of time to put on if it's going to be covered up, but then again, this should be covered up. No, it should just never be worn. Pair Two: Baked to a Crisp It looks like a pair of shoes those really over-tanned women would wear. You see them on the beach, in high heels, and they look like their entire body has been reupholstered in leather? Yeah, them. These shoes are for those women. ...