Saturday, March 22, 2008

2am Rant

Let's see if I'm more or less clever at 2am. I went to bed at 9pm hoping to get a good night of sleep before a huge day of dancing tomorrow. May not be quite as huge if one of the kids in our two-step routine can't make it back because of the snow. Then I might hit my head against the wall because we are going to suck. Less than a month until showcase. Are you kidding me???

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I got my mystery rash again today. I woke up and it was SNOWING - and I had a cute, adorable, irresistible spring outfit planned out. Man, was I bummed when it was snowing. I ate breakfast, got said mystery rash, and went back to bed.

My brother got into a car wreck because of the snow, so I was upset because I had asked for help, and now since my brother wasn't going to be able to come down, my parents were ignoring me. My mother yells at me because doing my laundry is hard. I'm sorry I get worn out when I do laundry, but I do. That's just the way it is.

I started my laundry today but failed miserably, and finally convinced my dad and brother to come down tomorrow, but not before all three of my family members had made it seem like there's something horrible about me because my laundry is hard.

I don't know many - if any CF patients who live alone. And over my dead body am I moving away from my town.

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I don't know if this is why I can't sleep, but I hurt something awful. I feel like I've been run over by a truck, who then called the steamroller to finish me off. If I'm getting a cold/virus/flu, someone's going to die. I'm not supposed to get sick. I already have mystery rash, mystery bleeding, and sinuses that have decided to hate me. I'd really rather not add things to this list, thank you very much. Make the pain go away or someone is going to feel some serious pain.

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Why is it that I only notice said pain from my fibromyalgia in the middle of the night. It's usually there all the time, but I think it's worse at night. Maybe that's why I don't sleep well. I don't think I will ever find a comfortable position to sleep in.

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I got groceries today, in the snow storm, because I needed food to eat. I did not need all the sugar products I bought, but what the fuck, it's Easter. I'm supposed to gorge myself on candy, right?

Said grocery shopping made the laundry that much harder because I was that much more exhausted.

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I had a new nurse today. Very good looking. He said he's married and has a sixteen-year-old daughter, but I think he is a deeply closeted gay man. Like that character on that show "The Class" (which I don't think is on anymore because I was the only person watching it).

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Why can't I fall asleep. Again, I think it has to do with the shooting pain in my back. Maybe Tylenol will help.

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I had three family members (note: my ONLY family members) tell me to suck it up and do my own laundry - and I tried, and coughed so hard I couldn't breathe. Then I had three friends tell me no when I asked if they could come help me. I had two friends give no response, and the two I know would rush to my side and help me? They are on spring break vacations very, very far away.

I offered to feed people and still got nos. I was so desperate I was ready to start offering sexual favors, but by that time I was convinced NO ONE loved me because even my family complained that I was even asking.

Let's just say I wasn't the happiest camper this evening.
I felt all alone in the world - which is my biggest fear. My biggest fear is that I will be sick and no one will come help me - which keeps happening, for some odd reason. The "odd reason" is called my mother. She gets angry when I get sick, and then won't let my father come help me, and my friends don't really understand and I'm up shit creek without a paddle.

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I'm having trouble forming words - a good sign. Maybe I'll fall asleep and STAY asleep now.

Wish me luck!

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Hi Carla. I have lived alone for the last 6 years--2 in the dorm with no roommate, and the last 4 in an apartment. Yeah, it's tough not having someone to help out with things when you're sick, but it's a blessing not to be exposed to all the germs from sick or unhygienic roommates. It's a catch 22. What would be great is to have a housekeeper that would cook dinner...

I miss living in dorm and having a cafeteria meal plan. Ha, and my college also had a laundry service, but I never used it because I went home on weekends and my mom helped me with laundry, but it would be great to have...

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