I want things. I try not to, but there are just things I want so badly it hurts. Honestly, try to ignore the thing you want most in the world and it will come back to bite you in the ass. Some days I just cry and cry because I can't have what I want. I am an eternal toddler and I want to throw my very own temper tantrum.
The other night (in a crazed state of sleep deprivation and lack of psych meds) I wrote this before bed:
"Eats me alive that I'm 'dying' and I want to be loved -no one will b/c - and I feel I don't have time."
Obviously it's not completely coherent, but when I woke up the next morning to find tear stains on my pillow and I wondered why the hell I had been upset the night before, I found that guy on my yellow notepad. And I know what I meant.
I meant that I was upset - and it hurts - that I'm 'dying' and I don't have anyone to marry me. (that's such a loose term.... 'dying'. I can go 3-5 months without the hospital or home IVs, and really, how sick am I? I can dance... I'm not THAT sick, but I'm legally disabled. Yeah, it fucks with my brain too.)
That is one of the things I want - a marriage. If you would like to apply for the position of 'husband to a woman with CF' please leave a comment and I will send you the application. I'm serious; if I get any comments I will actually make an application and you will have to take blood tests.
I've had a couple relationships that you might be able to call "supportive." But the support turned ugly and things were bad and let's not think about those things.
The other thing I want more than anything in the world is a baby. A baby girl. I could handle a boy, I suppose, but I want a girl.
I want to experience all the Mommy things - and I want to give birth to her.
I know how unrealistic the marriage/pregnancy thing is for me, but this is what I want:
First, my husband will have a really good job so he can support me and said baby. He will have really good health insurance with said job, and then we can be legally married. He will get me pregnant - after we make sure he's not a CF carrier. If he is, there's a 50/50 chance that the baby will have CF, and I don't want a baby with CF. He will have enough money to hire a housekeeper and a nanny, even though I will be a stay at home mom. This will be so I can spend most of my time with the baby, but also do my treatments and sleep, etc. I will also still have the time and energy to keep fund raising for CF and keep dancing. Baby will come with me to dance and she will be loved by all.
(all of this would be good... well, now would be good - if I wait much longer my lung functions will be too low to carry a baby - so if you'd like to impregnate me soon, let me know).
I love my life currently, but it could be a little more perfect - and this is how.
I'm not asking for much, am I?
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