Saturday, March 29, 2008

Evening Thinklings

*Today I went to my fourth funeral since September. It would have been five, but I couldn't make one b/c it was in my former hometown. Four of five said deaths have been to people who shouldn't have died so young.
1. My psychiatrist who was so amazingly brilliant. He was in his early 50s and died during a triathlon. I like to call him my "Psychiatric Med Angel" because here on earth he was one of two who could fix me. The other one is my father, who not only fixes me psychiatrically, but in all ways medical.
2. A classmate from former hometown who (if I remember correctly) was 19 and just collapsed. I used dance as an excuse not to go back to my hometown and see all the people I really wouldn't want to see. Not that I don't love some of them dearly, this kid included, but some of them are the reason I don't lay claim to my hometown very often.
3. A friend/mentor with CF who was 45. Had a double lung transplant, was doing okay with that, and then got cancer. Life blows and then you die.
4. My great aunt. She was 87, and the only one who died at an acceptable age. She had colon cancer in 2000, recovered, but got it again recently and died. She was a ballroom dancer, so she's my Ballroom Dance Angel. Did that happen before I started blogging my entire life? You know I don't even remember.
5. Today's funeral was for a friend with CF who was 31 and gave up. He didn't want to fight anymore, which is an okay decision to make when living with this disease.

*Troy, Buddy, you did a good job planning your funeral. I loved all those photos. Why do you think I take so many photos of myself? Because I don't want to be forgotten. I want people to remember how I looked when I was kinda "healthy" and not the way I will look when I get that sick.

*If anyone so much as mentions Jesus at my funeral - or even worse - says that we'll see each other in Heaven, so long as we believe in Jesus, I will fucking rise from the dead and personally strangle said person. Heaven is not an exclusive club. You don't need a "Members Only" jacket.
* Yes I know I'm going to get shit for this, so if you're the one giving the shit, please refrain. I know you think I'm going to hell, and that's O.K. by me.

* Sometimes, I find out someone's real age, and I go "No Way. That person is NOT older than me." I'm the baby - and that's cool, cuz I act (and sometimes look) older than you.

* On the way home - wait not home - I was on my way to dance from the funeral, I looked at my eyes (mainly to check to make sure I didn't have mascara running down my face), and noticed my pupils were little dots! LITTLE DOTS! I haven't had pupils that small in years! Usually my antibiotics and meds prevent my eyes from working correctly (and I'm diabetic so I figure I'll go blind eventually haha), but they decided to work today. Too bad it wasn't a day my brain was working.

*I was worthless at dance practice today. My brain just wasn't there. I left it at the church...

*Which brings me to the church. Usually, as much as I don't really love organized religion, I love churches. They are big and pretty and sometimes old. They have things like stained glass and pipe organs and really awesome art and architecture and I appreciate them even though I would rather cut off an arm then have to get up early on a Sunday to sit in one. This church was a tool shed with nice furnishings. And it was the same temperature inside as out. And it was one one of those evangelical places where they play the music and sing to God as if he cares about their musical talent. Like he loves them better because they get up early on Sunday and not only do they sing, but they sing loudly. It just didn't have architecture or the art or stained glass - but it did have a really huge wall great for projecting those awesome photos of Troy, so they get credit for that. And they had all the equipment to do it, so I may choose an evangelical church for my funeral - but whoever does the talking Will Under No Circumstances Mention Jesus.

*Go ahead and give me shit about all this if you must... but think twice. I'm like one of those monkeys in a foreign Zoo - I have no reason to refrain from throwing shit back.

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