I have joined the land of the dieters, and from this point forward I will always have an unhealthy relationship with food, just like every other US Citizen, or at least the ones they show on TV.
I don't think I'm meaning to starve myself, but my body thinks I am and has started to revolt in
horrible ways. Hunger pains, digestive problems, threatening a coup.
I'm really tired of this fucking diet. I think it backfires. The other night I ate 3/4 of a frozen pizza I was so hungry. I wish I could eat like that and still be skinny the way I used to be - well, not quite that skinny. About 10 pounds lighter than I am now (which is my goal to lose before Italy so I can gain it all back by eating HUGE amounts of food there, because food is generally better in Europe. There is nothing like eating in Eruope. I want to move to Europe and just eat for the rest of my life. Of course, because I am a strange American hybrid and not a European gal by birth, the clothing and shoes don't come in my sizes there. Nix that plan.).
But I'm tired of my diet. I try to eat a light breakfast, little or no lunch, and a little dinner. Seriously, I am trying so fucking hard to lose weight, and you have no idea how strange it is for me. Growing up my mother shoved every fatty food my way. Chips, candy, peanut butter, ice cream, pizza, cheeseburgers - all in large quantities and as much as I could fit in my little tummy. This didn't stop when I was a teenager because I was still underweight, but I also had no appetite. Blame those stimulants I was on.
Only a couple years ago I gained weight. I went on the pill, became diabetic, and sat around eating candy all day everyday one summer. Those are the reasons I gained weight. That, and Zyrtec, my allergy med. I have an un-ending appetite with the Zyrtec. It truly is an evil med. Well, no, it helps my allergies and I became an acceptable weight - the only problem is my appetite hasn't slowed since I passed that acceptable weight.
I can't stop the urge to snack. I try to curb it by not keeping crap in the house, but this leaves me sitting at my computer all day, and about every hour I will get up and go to the kitchen with the intent of eating something and only when I've searched the entire kitchen and found nothing suitable will I return to my computer. At least this hourly walk burns calories and I don't actually eat anything.
I walked to the kitchen to get a snack recently and ended up doing this instead:
At least I returned to my desk completely not hungry.
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