Learning To Live

I like taking pictures of flowers, and I think my camera does a pretty damn good job. (again, click to look at the AMAZING details).

Why the font got suddenly smaller on this entire page - do you also see it smaller, or is it just my computer? Can I fix it? Thanks.

So these are a couple of the MILLION photos I have from dance. I chose these for some reasons - mainly to make fun of myself. P.S. click next to them/on them/near them to see bigger versions :-) This one: Way to stand sideways next to the two smallest people you know, Carla. Way to go. How IS that 6th month of pregnancy??? This one: Posted out of pure love - look at my foot position - that says nothing but "Latin Dancer" And all four of us are in the right spot, doing the right thing, looking the right direction, and IT WAS CAUGHT ON FILM - well not film, digital memory card. So thanks, Dar-Dar for capturing this one. I love it. This one: Brent took it at a practice. Shortly after this I announced I had to go home before I puked all over my shoes. I had the stomach flu - and I wish you could see the close-up (click and you can!). I am laughing and look so happy (probably because I forgot where we are), and Jason is doing what I like to call the "dancing smile...

* Dr. Martin: You've done a really good job handling things this week. I'm proud of you. Just when I thought I wasn't handling things well, Dr. Martin reminds me that I am. I'm doing really well for someone who is depressed and trying to get over that. Someone who is facing hospitalization in less than a week - whose parents won't be here to help her get admitted. I'll be doing it all on my own. And maybe that's what I need. * Paul Simon: You've got to learn how to fall, before you learn to fly. Paul Simon is a genius. I listen to this song (and all his songs) often. * Felicity: A few months ago I didn't even know Julie. It's amazing how you can care about someone so much, so quickly. Felicity is an amazing show. The first season deals with so many of the issues I'm dealing with right now. Not CF, of course - but the personal, things that are going on with my friends issues. It's helping me. And that quote about caring so much ...

HOW DOES HE KNOW?!?!?! This is not possible. This is not happening. Should I tell her? Should I string him up by his toes and castrate him? And he said something about dancesport... and I didn't tell anyone. HOW DOES HE KNOW?!?!?! ...never mind this random rant from Carla. Brought to you by mental confusion and the letter W.

So I was looking up statutes and information on sexual assault the other day. Two years ago I took a case to my hometown police officers, and they told me that "Being creepy isn't a crime." I was pretty devastated because I was sure what had happened to me was a crime, as were the rest of the people in the town. He ended up losing his job and he didn't know it was me (until possibly now, Internet). And I thought I was okay with him just losing his job, because as far as I know he hasn't been able to get another one in the same field he was in, so fine. Until I was reading these statutes for a friend - to see if her experience was indeed assault - which it was. I was reading one page - the Wisconsin Coalition Against Sexual Assault - and that's the page that really drove home that what he did to me was a crime and the police in my hometown were dead wrong. Way to go, Hometown police. Now the ironic thing was I was looking at this page, stunned, rememberin...

* Boys are so silly! Hahahaha. My friend and I are reading "Can this Marriage be Saved" and typing back and forth comments about the articles. I said to her "Boys are soooo silly" and she replied, "That's generous. I still go for 'dumb.'" This is fun for me. * Felicity may be one of the best shows ever made. I'm watching season one, and it's just perfect. I know I loved this show in middle school - but I didn't get the lessons in it until now. It's just great. * Someone suggested this to me: "To cheer yourself up in the hospital (and entertain us who read your blog), you should play a little game and keep the results tallied on your blog. For example, in my CF hospital there are tons of med students/interns. And many of them are nice looking young men. Maybe you could keep count of how many attractive doctors/interns/male nurses/med students you can get to give you a hug while you're there. You know, hone your f...

This week has hurt a lot for many different reasons, but I've also learned some very important things. I have learned how I like to be. I have remembered that I like to be the one doing the helping, not the one that needs all this help. But when I need the help - I know who has my back 100%. I have learned how much people - even strangers - can care. I have learned exactly why I write this blog. I write this blog because somewhere out there is a person who is depressed, or who has CF, or is diabetic, has been victimized, or just feels sad, and somehow my blog will hopefully help them. Maybe it will inspire someone to express him or herself in a healthy way - or at best help them see what therapy and medication has allowed me to become. And when I work through this depression I will be who I was again, but wiser and with more to give. I have learned that although the depression meds aren't yet helping much, it doesn't mean I have to fall to pieces and hide. I am stro...

My father told me the other night when I said, "the universe hates me," that the universe doesn't have the capability to hate. I'd like to argue that. I can't talk about things. Not here, not yet, maybe not ever. These things that are happening - like the lovely surprise I found this morning. If I ignore everything will it go away??? That hasn't worked so far with the dishes, sadly. But these issues are so much bigger than the dishes. For the rest of the day I will be trying to ignore the world by hiding in my place. Yes. Bye bye computer.

Hiding from the world is going rather well. Can't wait to take this up professionally for two weeks, do the CF walk, and then get my ass out of the country for three weeks. FUCK YES. Reasons to get out of bed tomorrow: None. Hours I plan on not being in bed: Not many. Reasons to get out of bed Tuesday: None. Hours I plan on being out of bed: About three - IF I go to dance practice. My lungs may not make it that far. Oh yeah, did I ever mention that stress usually brings on a lung infection? I've had so much stress in the last week I am now in "curl up in a ball and hope to die" mode - and I can feel it in my lungs. Oh and the crying- all the crying is PERFECT for my sinuses. From all this crying I plan on needing sinus surgery, oh, around August. Somewhere in July I'll stop functioning because of the pain, and then I'll demand surgery - but of course the doc will be booked out for months, and then I will probably make a scene just so they will do my surge...

You want spin? I'll give you spin. Here is what Girl wrote about me. - it's the one called "My one and only rant" (she took it down, so don't bother clicking). I thought I'd share. Now I'm going to hide from the world because I can't take this anymore.

This makes me want to throw up. I've researched statutes and definitions and I think I'm all sexual assaulted out. Right. Dealing with this is exhausting - mainly because I'm largely emotionally involved. Right. I feel like I'm going to throw up now- it's that upsetting. I need to avoid the entire world for several months.

Right here in River City - With a capitol T that rhymes with D that stands for DUDE. Dude I've got trouble. Lots and lots of trouble. First, as if you didn't notice, I'm having a bit of trouble with a couple of friends of mine. It mainly has to do with the fact that I can't find a guy who wants to be supportive of my CF - they are all scared as hell (except Chris - from now on in my blog, when I generalize about the male species I am talking about everyone except Chris, and sometimes Dad and Darin because they too are acceptable as male species). But in reality, Dad and Darin don't count as part of the rest of the male species - Darin is Gay, so therefore he's almost a girl anyways. He's a feminist at heart and knows my CF and what I've been through. Hell, he's had to live alone during high school because my parents had to take care of their dying daughter (I lived, by the way, in case you were wondering). And Dad, he's a Jedi. He is so w...

Chris S. is right. THIS IS MY BLOG AND I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT! BOOGER!!! BIG GREEN HARDENED BOOGERS!!! POOPY DIAPERS!!! GEOREGE BUSH IS A DUMBASS WHO ACTUALLY SAID TO THE POPE, "AWESOME SPEECH YOUR HOLINESS!" VOTE HILLARY!!! See... I can say WHATEVER I WANT. Don't read it if you don't like it. I, much like Fox News am completely biased and tell things the way I want the world to see them. It's called spin. I spin things my way, and that's how it's done. Boy sent me an email. I laughed. It said, among other things, "noticed you left practice early today. are you doing okay?" NO I AM NOT OKAY, DAMNIT!!! I am agreeing with my the comments I've received - that friends wouldn't have done this to me. This is my spin, damnit. And I'm going to say whatever I want and it's going to feel AMAZING... I am not going to try to be friends with Boy. It's my life and hopefully he will stay the fuck away until I say otherwise. Lik...

I'm eating goldfish crackers and peanut butter - it has become my staple meal. I just don't feel like eating anything else and I know I'm losing weight and they are going to yell like crazy at me at the hospital - hopefully the words "feeding tube" will not come up because I am not that thin yet. I know I guy who is 38 (I thought he was my age, whoops!) who has CF, and to the best of my knowledge doesn't have a feeding tube. Okay I didn't word that right - he is the skinniest person I know - which doesn't help lung function - it hurts it, and he doesn't have a feeding tube. So hopefully they won't threaten me with one yet. Goldfish and peanut butter. There is something comforting in them - maybe because my mom used to feed them to me all the time when I was a little kid. Today has sucked. Royally. I went to dance practice, and there weren't many people there and Coach asked if my boyfriend was going to show up. And I looked at him l...

It's a bad day - and it's only 12:06. I've been up since 10. Today I'm depressed and don't want to go anywhere or do anything but lay in bed and sleep or watch TV. At least I have the energy to watch TV. I have these hopeless feelings again. I can't make them go away. Just when I think my med is working I get these feelings again. My brain is sick and it has taken all of me with it. I have to go to dance practice. You have no idea how badly I want to stay home. I want to curl up and not deal with anyone for at least a couple days. I also don't want to go to the dance this evening because the people who keep me going and are my solid pillars won't be there. I won't have any pillars to lean on and it's scaring the crap out of me. Somewhere around here is a piece I wrote after the last funeral I went to. I was working the table at the dance and I wrote it. Now if I could just find it, I would type it up and post it here. I found it, so her...

I don't need fixing. Can't anyone be with me and just let me be me and accept that I have to do certain things to stay healthy (like treat it as a full-time job)? Why is this such a hard concept? Being my friend isn't easy either - are girls (and Chris S.) just better people in general? Is it the motherly-ness that allows them to love me despite being sick? Sarah Lynn put it best "Being your friend doesn't hurt any less." Take it from a girl who knows - we've been friends since kindergarten and she was there through elementary and middle school to tell me to eat my lunch - and she would tell my mom when I wasn't eating my lunch. She's a great best friend. The best best friend. Everyone but Keaton is allowed to comment here - I already got your opinion and I didn't like it. Let's get some others.

I'm finally going to write about it. I mentioned it here and here. Where I left off was saying that my friend - probably the best one I have right now in this town - told me that she wanted to talk to me about something. The second I read the email that said that I knew what she was going to say, but I was hoping it would be something better like "I'm dying of cancer," or even better, "I'm dying of cancer and sitting here with you Carla is going to kill me." I'm pretty sure I would have gotten over those faster. So we met at Noodles and she told me - she's dating Boy. So now Girl and Boy are dating. How fucking perfect. I felt completely betrayed - and still sometimes do, like when I think about how when she said that when Boy and I started dating she liked him - and then I realize that she was dating someone else at the time. In my mind, I am the only one allowed to have my cake and eat it too and I guess Girl missed the memo. Actually,...

So here's the website for the CF Benefit dance. Here's the site to donate or to join my team. (It's not too late to join and to do some fund raising of your own! It's easy - ask neighbors, people at work, friends - send out an email - it's great!) I'm really psyched that it looks like we might make my team goal of $5,000 this year, which would be amazing!!! I'm so excited to see other people excited about the walk - this winter has been really hard for me health-wise. I was sick from November to February and then FINALLY felt better and my depression escalated to the point where I could no longer do anything or care about anything - so to see other people stepping up to help me meet my Great Strides goal in ways they never have before is brilliant!!! And yes, I have some level of skepticism about the new drugs coming out (VX-809 - Carla's Drug) because they are still in very early stages. But hopefully the money raised will help make sure those dru...

If I could, I would go to CF Group every week. Those people really GET me. I love them. Tonight we talked about pets and many things not related to CF. I learned and realized some things today - besides the fact that I have a migrane right now and need to go take something for it... On dating- I know what I want, I know what I need, and I'm not going to settle for anything less. I will not put myself in a situation where I have to "take care of" the other person. It would be stressful on me and make my own health worse. I know the kind of support I need in a partner and I'm now willing to wait until I find the right person. I can't "make" the right person. I need to "find" the right person. Right now I'm in a place where my friends are great and I have enough of them to support me and help me and my family is fantastic. Let's stand up and give them a round of applause - they are that good. And my therapist is amazing. I want...

Some days a nap is more important than a shower. I need a nap. Thanks Sarah for getting me addicted to Grey's. OMG. I have a CF meeting I really want to go to, but I'm so tired and I think I have the stomach flu. We'll see if I make it there.

So I'm not ready to write about it yet. I want to focus on the positive, and there's nothing more positive then this comment written by one of the most brilliant people I know. So here are her words, not mine: "Dear Carla, I am incredibly sorry you've been upset lately and believe me, dating is just a massive confluence of crazy for everyone and I can't even imagine having that added dynamic of CF to complicate already difficult relationships. I feel I must comment as someone rather afraid of commitment myself in defense of all of us who aren't as brave or as unabashedly audacious as you when it comes to matters of the future. While certainly many issues come to the surface about what it means to support someone through and through (especially when they are sick or dealing with difficult situations beyond their control), hesitation to commit doesn't (necessarily) mean that someone is unwilling or unable to do so. I mean, it's more or less common know...

So this Great Strides thing always picks me up every year - it reminds me that people care, blah blah blah, but THIS year. THIS year I feel LOVED. Very very loved by my dance family. My dance family - they are family to me, the people I am closest to and see most often in this town. So, one of the members of this dance family convinced the UWMBDA council (which I'm a member of, I just can't make the meetings b/c they are scheduled on Sundays between 2-4 and my nurse comes then) to hold a benefit for CF. They did this without me knowing and yesterday Brent surprised me. It's honestly the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. It's not that hard since we have weekly dances anyways, and they just decided to donate the proceeds from one of the dances to CF - and now I'm working on getting things to raffle off. Gift certificates and the like. It's that someone thought to do this for me... I feel so loved. I found this out, and then right away had to leave ...

I'll be blogging later - furiously blogging about many, many things. Now I need to go outside and work on some crap - like seeing when I can fit in going to the hospital for two weeks. ugh. And seeing about a laptop and CF stuff and donations for the big event that I'm pretty excited about but haven't announced here yet. Yeah. Later.

...or at least very loved. I'll talk about that later. I'm really very excited - in a well, someone cares, way, but right now my soul is crushed and even though it's 7:45 I'm going to bed because I can't take the pain anymore. I'll write two entries tomorrow - one about the Amazing Day Where I Felt A Little Better Finally and one about the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Evening.

I have found Balloon Arch Guy (he was before my blogging days -like YEARS before I started blogging, he has no clue who he is, and very few of you would remember who the hell I'm talking about) - and I'm taking this as a sign that all may be right with the world again someday. I have very vivid memories of a stripped shit, me wearing clothing that I could never fit in now, my BREATHE bracelet, the tango, and faking Viennese Waltz. And well, of course the Balloon Arch, because that is how he got his nickname. Haha.

I have multiple reasons right now. * Depression. No one should have to suffer like this. I think I might take all that CF money and put it towards curing mental illness. (just kidding - CF needs the money too. If I beat this mental illness, I would sure as hell like to beat the physical one too!!!) As I see things: Physical illness - piece of cake! Mental illness - worse than anything else I can think of. And I've had "milder" mental issues. I can't imagine what being Bipolar or Schizophrenic would be like. Maybe I'll become an avid member of AMI (Alliance for the Mentally Ill) * Everything. Everything bothers me - things that wouldn't normally bother me at ALL bother me. The fact that one of my best friends seems to be helping more people with their problems than me? Bothers me. The fact that two people I know are hanging out/maybe dating when I have nothing invested in that at all? Bothers me. The fact that Oscar the dog just walked by and tripped...

On this brilliantly lovely day I have been reading dooce.com (linked on the left...), and this was written by Heather Armstrong (a Goddess among writers) on her blog: "For quite awhile during Leta’s first few months, I wasn’t sure what I would be coming home to at the end of a work day. The summer of 2004 was pretty bad, and I tried to be positive and upbeat, but ultimately I learned I couldn’t fix her. I think this is the biggest male-who-is-a-significant-other delusion; that we can somehow fix it. Learning this is fundamental to dealing with a person who suffers from a mental illness. I had to learn to accept and support. This was difficult and something I’m still working on." It's what her husband said in an interview several years ago, and it really hit home with me because I had a conversation with Boy where he said he "can't fix me." And I pretty much yelled at him, "I never asked you to." Because it really pisses me off when people think th...

* Do I really have to dance this week??? Answer: not if they put me in the hospital I don't. * Do I really feel sick in any physical way? Answer: let's wait until tomorrow to answer that. I haven't decided yet. * What would I do in the hospital without Colonel Debugger??? (yes, that's the name I gave to my laptop when it was new. If you're super nerdy, you might get it) * I wish facebook had the power to read minds. Then I would know what's REALLY going on. Then maybe this confusion and bitterness would go away. Just own up, man. * Depression is easiest to fight when I'm around people who distract me from it. I did surprisingly well this weekend. * I think I need to sleep for about three days to get over this exhaustion, however. But it's going to be nice tomorrow. So I'll sleep on the front lawn. * Really boys, do you have to be SO dumb about ALL things???

People are just so lame sometimes. And by people I mean boys. And by boys I mean specifically three or four that I am thinking of. Really? Either be nice to me or Go Home.

Yesterday I GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER! Not that it won't fall apart again soon, but I did it! I did the showcase and we were amazing and I had so much fun and I had a brilliant talk with my Sarah Lynn. I stayed awake from NINE THIRTY in the morning until ONE in the morning. CRAZY! Of course I need to crash now for several hours, before more dancing this evening, but that's okay. Yesterday I was able to do my hair and makeup and dance and be social and take lots of pictures and the nagging feeling wasn't there so much. I was focused on the performance. And today I went to brunch. It was good. Not onto the thinklings I have about the past couple days. * I think all these nice things about people, but I never tell them. My new goal is to tell people more of the nice things I think about them because they should know. * Sarah Lynn is my soul mate. We've been friends for about 16 years - that's a LONG time when you are only 21. * Sarah and I were talking about the co...

* I have been awake since NINE THIRTY!!! I ACTUALLY GOT MY ASS OUT OF BED BEFORE 10 AM!!! Holy fucking cow - maybe I WILL beat this depression. I actually woke up and felt that I could get out of bed. That there were blogs to read and blog entries to type and nurses to wait for and piano pieces to practice, and that was enough to get me out of bed. * Showcase today - totally NOT freaking out like I should be because a) I don't care and 2) I don't care. (Mad About You reference with the A and the 2) * So my friend pointed THIS out to me today. Look at comment 112. Yup that's me and I know him. What a great friend :-) *I made the donation box last night, and it turned out pretty fucking cool - and only took me 45 minutes. :-) Which is a short time in Carla's Crafty Land. *How does my toaster KNOW that it's not plugged in? It won't let me push the button down on my frozen waffles if it is not plugged in. My toaster is currently smarter than I am. *My motto...

So I am supposed to be making the donation box for the showcase tomorrow night, but I'm not. I just have too much that I am thinking about right at this very moment. So many things I've failed at recently that just are nagging at me. This isn't me. I am capable and responsible and don't forget to do things. This isn't me. I want me back. I want to be able to get all my stuff done and just function. Tonight I had a CF group meeting. I love them. It was a couple's meeting tonight and it made me think about a lot of things. There were only two other couples there, but we discussing other couples (because we can do that - we're special like that). When I first joined the group about four years ago (I can't believe it's been that long - the most supported years of my life), there was a couple I looked up to more than any of the others. The other couples who are most regularly there are couples where the guy has CF - and not that I don't adm...

No, not really. That song was just on the radio on the way home and I felt a connection with Floyd like never before. There is nothing comfortable about this - I am pretty numb today, though, and it is more comfortable then being anxious about being depressed. I have now accepted my depression and I have stopped fighting it so hard. I'm waiting for therapy and medications to work. And last night may not have been a med side effect - it may have been a 24 hour flu. Let's hope for the 2nd one. My therapist suggested today that to help me stay awake I should look at magazines - something simple enough to hold my attention span and something I need my hands for. Piano playing is also good. But anyways, after therapy I went and bought $50 in magazines - I was that desperate to stay awake today. And I didn't even finish one magazine yet. (How awful is it that I dropped $50 on magazines though, sersiouly.) But I did stay awake today. And now I'm super sleepy. I don...

Medication side effects. I feel like death on toast. Stupid med. I feel like throwing my shoes up is a great possibility. I had to leave dance practice EARLY. I couldn't even get my act together to stay the whole time. You know it's bad when I can't even fake my way through dance.

I started an anti-depressant. Too bad they take 3-4 weeks to work. UGH. I have this silly idea in my head that if I take MORE pills they will work faster. Not that I'm going to - don't freak out - it's just a silly idea that keeps popping into my head. Today was the first day I had an appetite since forever. So I ate a lot.

* Emptied the garbage - not just one garbage can, but all of them. And now the trash is sitting in two bags by the door and I plan on taking it out when I go to the psychiatrist. I can say that this is a step in the right direction. I DID something today. Honestly I don't feel as bad today as I have lately. I must ask if depression is not a constant thing - if it can be worse on some days and not so terrible on others. What if this drug makes me worse??? I haven't had the best luck with anti-depressants. Eeep.

I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow and will hopefully start a new med then. Thank God. I can't handle many more days like today. But I am going to search for new music and make myself learn new music until I'm sleepy.

Come on people - do your fundraising so I don't have to. Honestly, I don't have the energy right now to do anything, let alone motivate you to do all this. Please just do it for me. Carla's Great Strides Page (Donate Here) Love, Carla Oh and watch this: Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I have a family. I have a brother, a father and a mother. My mother is nuts. I can't count on her to be supportive of me when I am having problems like now with this depression. Today she yelled at me for 35 minutes because I am controlling, manipulative and addicted to being sick. I got yelled at for not getting the oil in my car changed (does she have any idea how hard it is for me to get out of bed, let alone GO somewhere?) We argued because she said that she has been depressed for years and still goes on, and I yelled back "THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." and that did not make her happy. I got yelled at for "getting my way" about going to Europe. She doesn't want to go, and she's not going - but my dad didn't let that stop us from going, but now we're going to get shit about it for the rest of our lives. There is a reason I call her the "happiness vacuum." She doesn't want anyone to have fun -whether she is included or not...

Thank you. To the good people of the internet, Thank you. You are the reason I blog in the first place. I like to get my frustrations out and move on - and doing it here ends up giving me a whole bunch of new perspectives on myself and others. And that's why I do this. And just to clarify - I am in no way angry with Boy anymore. We had dinner tonight and it was good. I think I said that. I really enjoy being his friend. He's one of the best friends I have and I can appreciate that for just what it is. So I think I'm typed out for the evening. Again, thank you to the good people of the internet. And feel free to keep commenting.

The last post was titled "On Not Dating" and I was contemplating the recent ending of casual dating with Boy (read that first). Now I have realized some other things and this came out of that... So, I've now decided that I will never date ever (because seriously, how could I do that to another human being??? How could I expect another person to want THIS??? To want me and all that comes with me???) So here's the rest of the conversation with my friend - the reason I came to the conclusion that I can't date. I just can't. ME: having CF - I really don't get what would be so awful about being in a relationship with me??? Honestly, please talk about this with me because I'm about to lose my shit all together here and I just can't handle crying one more time today. [editor's note: I did lose my shit... you'll read why] Him: ok well look you have a big disease and it dominates your life it dominates every part of your existence [editor's n...

I don't know if I mentioned this anywhere, but Boy and I are no longer dating. This is a long story and I'll get to it, but there's something else I may have failed to mention. I am depressed. DID YOU HEAR THAT, INTERNET??? THE SADNESS INSIDE OF ME MAY KILL ME. Okay. I got that out. Now onto the crazed situation that is Boy. I want a magic wand that erases commitment phobia. I don't have a phobia of commitment. What's wrong with the rest of you??? So I know Boy reads my blog (HI BOY!!! *BIG WAVE*), but this in no way means I'm going to edit what I have to say. And it in no way means that I will necessarily want to TALK about this after I write it. I write so I don't have to talk and I can keep you all informed (I don't like to talk about me - I prefer to talk about ya'll). So I'm having this conversation with another guy friend: ME: I want a wand that will erase commitment phobia ME: I have no phobia? what's wrong with the rest of ...

This hit me tonight and made me think: "Her mind is tiffany-twisted, she got the mercedes bends She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat. Some dance to remember, some dance to forget" I wish I could go back to dancing to forget everything. Dancing is my passion and I really want to enjoy it. If nothing else, I want to enjoy dance. I love "Hotel California" - it is my hospital song, mainly because of this part: "Last thing I remember, I was Running for the door I had to find the passage back To the place I was before "relax," said the night man, We are programmed to receive. You can checkout any time you like, But you can never leave! " But this is how I really feel about my depression. I have been running and running from it, and now I just can't leave. I feel better now that I talked with my Dad and I think we have a plan. I always like to go to the doctor with a dru...

Things that are helping the depression today: Chocolate Pudding Heather Armstrong ( dooce.com , my favorite blog) Twizzlers Vanilla Pudding Banana Cream Pudding Cheddar Goldfish Plain Goldfish Mad About You

Out of the last 24 hours, I have slept 21.5. Go ahead and try to tell me I don't have a problem.

Here's my daily update. I'm not sure what to say yet, but here goes. The Queen of Sleep is back. Last night - 5pm to 9pm, and then after realizing what I had done and fixing it, about 10pm to 11am this morning. 17 hours of sleep. And I'd like to go take a nap. And I've doubled my does of the med that is supposed to help me stay awake. But I'd really like a nap. I am going to take baby steps to get better. Today I want to pour my meds. If I get that done it is a good day. If I also take the trash out, it is a great day. Boy and I are no longer dating. I got really angry. "I'm going to string him up by his toes and beat this shit out of him" angry. And yes. Some of the things he said to me would have totally deserved me doing that. And I'm not going to go into the things he said to me - but I'm so fucking tired of my friends trying to "fix" me. This is the 2nd email I sent to Boy last night: "I'm sorry the last e...

Things that have made me feel a little better (or a lot better for a short period of time): *This sentence from a comment I got: "You'll make it. Let me know if you need me to drive to Madison and kick you. " That made me smile. *Ashley and the awesome custard thingy and the bread and the great stories she tells. *Sarah and the talking. Things that have not helped in any way: *The fact that it is snowing today and I have to go to dance, something I no longer enjoy. *My mother wondering "what is wrong" with me, and asking me if I'm "Just being manipulative so she'll come clean my place" and then she adds, "Because you know you do that." SO FUCKING NOT HELPFUL. Where was my Dad? He should be monitoring all conversations with the fragile daughter and stop my mother from saying shit like that. *The fact that I have to get my ass into the shower, put on makeup, a costume, take my other costume with me (don't forget a bra or you...

Depression is real. If you have ever doubted its existence you should see me. It's so fucking real. Depression hurts. A terrible hurt that you can't make go away no matter what you do. Sometimes, friends and family are the best things in the world - and that includes the internet family. They rocked my little world this morning, although everything made me cry. Baby Steps. I just need Baby Steps. Watch What About Bob? if you have any doubts about that. I like baby polar bears. They made me almost smile today - which is better than crying, so I plan on watching many a baby polar bear video in the next few days, weeks, months. However long it takes me to get better. I really want to get better. I want to get over this depression more than I've ever wanted anything in the world. I want to be out having fun with my friends and not sitting at home crying and I want to be able to get out of bed and shower. Get out of bed and DO ANYTHING. I want to be able to get out of...

So I finally called the gynecologist. It took all my strength and effort to make that call because I really don't want to have to GO to the gynecologist and be examined and all that effort is just hurting my brain right now. So I called the gynecologist and explained that I am bleeding and have CF and I need to get in to see her - and the best they can do is end of June beginning of July- and my exact words were, "You're fucking kidding me." and the receptionist said, "No, I'm not and I'd prefer if you wouldn't use that language with me." Well it was an instinct. What am I supposed to do??? Bleed until the end of JUNE? Bleed my way through Europe??? You're FUCKING kidding me. And the soonest the nurse practitioner can see me is wait for it... April 28th. NOT EVEN NEXT WEEK. YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING ME. That's 2.5 weeks from now. Thank God we're pretty sure I'm not dying, or else I'd be FUCKING screwed. The nurse is...

I couldn't think of a better title. I'm so depressed my writing is suffering. I'm depressed and this is awful, but the good people of the internet are GREAT people of the internet. Read some of the comments I've gotten - they are amazing. Today is another bad day - and I don't think I'm going dancing. But I want to go and I want to have fun, but I don't think I can have fun. So there's that. Okay I'm going to go do nothing for the rest of the day.

The Queen of Sleep Can't Sleep. Alert the news. I've now gotten myself all worked up and I need to figure out what is wrong with me and what I want and what I need and I need to fix it all before I can fall asleep. And we wonder why I sleep through the day? Maybe it has to do with me being up all hours blogging because I can't sleep. I can't shut my stupid brain off. I am now trying to figure out why I am bleeding. Let's go to webMD (my worst enemy - I HATE that website) and see what they say is wrong with me. Okay, so I am suspecting that maybe I have a yeast infection - so here are some of the things webMD has to say (my symptoms fit): "Rarely, the yeast infection may spread throughout the body. In systemic candidal disease, up to 75% of people may die. Even common mouth and vaginal yeast infections can cause critical illness and can be more resistant to normal treatment Yeast infections that return may be a sign of more serious diseases such as diabet...

I give up. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm not even happy enough to sit and watch TV or movies or anything. I need a babysitter and a maid and a personal assistant and a massage therapist. I also need to get the piano tuned.

I know I'm depressed. It's figuring out how depressed I am and how much my CF plays into this and if I can pull out of this with therapy or if I have to have another psych med to help me. My insides hurt a kind of hurt that is so hard to describe. I know I am in there somewhere fighting to get out, but this sadness is blocking the real me. I am a picker. Two years ago I was able to get it under control and it is only an issue occasionally any more, but in high school and the start of college it was terrible. It went along with my PTSD and OCD and control issues, and I've been having more problems with it lately. I am having problems dealing with my lack of energy and the fact that I am bleeding so often - like everyday, despite being on the pill that is supposed to make my period go away completely. And I just don't have the energy or the drive to pick up the phone and call the gyno to get an appointment to try and figure out what's wrong because I feel like ...