Monday, April 14, 2008

On Family

I have a family. I have a brother, a father and a mother. My mother is nuts. I can't count on her to be supportive of me when I am having problems like now with this depression.

Today she yelled at me for 35 minutes because I am controlling, manipulative and addicted to being sick. I got yelled at for not getting the oil in my car changed (does she have any idea how hard it is for me to get out of bed, let alone GO somewhere?)

We argued because she said that she has been depressed for years and still goes on, and I yelled back "THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT." and that did not make her happy.

I got yelled at for "getting my way" about going to Europe. She doesn't want to go, and she's not going - but my dad didn't let that stop us from going, but now we're going to get shit about it for the rest of our lives. There is a reason I call her the "happiness vacuum." She doesn't want anyone to have fun -whether she is included or not. We offered to let her come with us (secretly praying that she would decide not to because she's not a good traveler. Especially in the mountains). And all she talks about is "her money." Well that money may be in my mom's name, but you know who earns that money? My dad.

Apparently she feels used because I need her help but didn't want her help for a whole week. I'm still trying to live on my own and she and I can't go a week together without a giant shouting match.

So she said she might come down Thursday to help me, she might not.

She ruined my much needed mid-morning to early afternoon nap because I was so upset about what she said. I'm still so upset about what she said. I can't stop crying. Usually I just brush her off, but the depression makes everything she says hurt more.

She has always been like this - emotionally abusive, controlling and well, mean. I've tried to get my dad to do something about her, but he can't.

And not that she doesn't have good times - we get along sometimes and sometimes she is there for me. I just can't count on her to be consistent and to be supportive like I really want her to be. I want her to be like she is sometimes when I'm in the hospital. When she sits by my bedside while I sleep and just holds my hand when I feel really sick. She will wash my hair and give me a bed bath - and that time I spend with my mom is wonderful. I wish she could be like that all the time.

Sometimes she brings me little presents or candy when I'm in the hospital and she actually smiles and gives me a hug. That's what I need from my mom. I need my mom to be like that all the time. Maybe I wouldn't be so desperate to get married and distance myself from my mother financially if she were like that more often - not even all the time - but most of the time.

I know my CF is really hard on her - she's my mother - but blaming me a little less would be a step in the right direction. Understanding how hard it is to do chores. Understanding how important being with other people is so that I don't go completely off my fucking rocker. Yes. A lot of the time I put being with other people above doing things like chores and hell, even sleep, because I NEED to be with people because I spend all day every day alone, by myself, if I don't go be with other people. Maybe my mom is okay living like that - but she has my dad, whether or not she actually likes him is a good question, but she has his company and that's something I don't have.

I wish I had a mother who could deal with this better, who could help me deal with all this better.


Anonymous said...

I, a CF mom, do solemly swear, to do my best to never give my daughter cause to write a similar post about me.

Although, I live in fear of the possibility that my own foibles and insecurities and fears and sometimes -erratic behavior might be scarring my kids for life...and this sort of seals it for me...


Greg said...

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Gregory E. Lang
Author of “Daddy’s Little Girl,” “Why a Daughter Needs a Dad,” “Why a Daughter Needs a Mom” and more.

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