Sunday, April 13, 2008

My Daily

Here's my daily update. I'm not sure what to say yet, but here goes.

The Queen of Sleep is back. Last night - 5pm to 9pm, and then after realizing what I had done and fixing it, about 10pm to 11am this morning. 17 hours of sleep. And I'd like to go take a nap. And I've doubled my does of the med that is supposed to help me stay awake. But I'd really like a nap.

I am going to take baby steps to get better. Today I want to pour my meds. If I get that done it is a good day. If I also take the trash out, it is a great day.

Boy and I are no longer dating. I got really angry. "I'm going to string him up by his toes and beat this shit out of him" angry. And yes. Some of the things he said to me would have totally deserved me doing that. And I'm not going to go into the things he said to me - but I'm so fucking tired of my friends trying to "fix" me.

This is the 2nd email I sent to Boy last night:

"I'm sorry the last email was so harsh, but it's what I wanted to say at the time. I think we
should still be friends - really good friends even, and you're right. I don't think the dating
thing was going to work. I just really wanted it to so I could have someone to count on. Right
now is really hard for me, and everyone keeps trying to "fix" me, trying to find out why I'm so
depressed. I don't know if anyone's noticed this but I've got this deadly disease that kind of
puts a damper on things. "

And my desk is all stained and warped from tears because a lot of the time recently I've spent sitting here crying - if I'm not in bed.

And my mother - she keeps calling me - several times a day to ask if I'm better yet. What the fuck??? I know we're waiting for the iron to work, and maybe it's starting to, or maybe I'm passed the complete nervous breakdown stage.

Yesterday at dance I fell asleep. I laid down on the floor and fell asleep. And then I had to get back up and dance and I was all smiley and made it look like I was having a good time. It's called a performance - that's what I do. And Boy said something about it looking like I was having fun - but obviously didn't notice how horrible I felt the rest of the time. It was physically painful to sit there and watch the others perform. I just was so unhappy.

And that's pretty much how things go. I don't even have the attention span to pay attention from the start to finish of an entry I am typing. That's frustrating.

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