I am incredibly sorry you've been upset lately and believe me, dating is just a massive confluence of crazy for everyone and I can't even imagine having that added dynamic of CF to complicate already difficult relationships. I feel I must comment as someone rather afraid of commitment myself in defense of all of us who aren't as brave or as unabashedly audacious as you when it comes to matters of the future. While certainly many issues come to the surface about what it means to support someone through and through (especially when they are sick or dealing with difficult situations beyond their control), hesitation to commit doesn't (necessarily) mean that someone is unwilling or unable to do so. I mean, it's more or less common knowledge that guys evolve more slowly than women emotionally, but think about it this way- you've been forced to truly become an adult with a very adult perspective on the transience of life in ways these dudes can't even imagine. So not only are you female, more mature, etc., but you're also one of very few people your age who can stand up and say "Hey, I've seen how life can end, I've seen what this means, and this is who I am, this is what I want, and this is how I'm going to lead my life." That's true confidence. True integrity. And TRULY FUCKING TERRIFYING to most people who don't understand what this means. 22-year-old guys don't think about marriage. They don't think about what 3 kegs of beer will mean for their health in 10 years. They just don't. And then there's you- this amazing, brilliant individual with so much to offer to the world and to someone who deserves you- and unfortunately you end up suffering the consequences of these tricky dynamics of love. I guess my point is this: there is fear and loneliness and debilitating sadness that will inevitably come whether we are in love or a relationship or very much alone. Don't waste your time with anger toward people who are afraid of sharing these. It's not that they're douchebags, it's just that they're human. I'm a bit terrified of the future myself, and sometimes this manifests itself by forcing me to push away people I love because I'm scared and uncertain and I don't want them to know this. I've never been forced to view time as you have, and truthfully, I believe this is something most people will never understand unless they share the experience firsthand. In general, we're all sort of ridiculous as a species, but it's delicate, beautiful chances that introduce us to people who will be worth our reevaluation of perspective. We don't know when they'll happen or who they'll bring into our lives (and I could talk about God here, but this is already long), but in the mean time, it doesn't mean that everyone who fails us is worthless. Men suck at commitment (and for the record, a lot of women do too). People gossip, screw up, hurt us. So you haven't found the love of your life. But right now- just right now- learn and love the people in your life the best that you can (and I know you do this) and trust that all that practice at loving can only help you someday when that very special guy walks (or ballroom dances!) into your life and sweeps you off your feet. Why be angry with things or people you can't change? There's nothing wrong with letting someone know that they've hurt you, but if you get in the habit of dedicating too much thought to that hurt, you'll miss out on the things and people who will love you deeply and magnificently in return.
This is long and probably incoherent, but I just wanted to say that I admire you for so many genuine reasons and I know I'm not the only one. I am 100% sure that someday (tomorrow? next year? who knows?) love will treat you well. In the mean time, don't blame guys for being douchebags. So they don't want to get married. Too bad for them. Rejoice in your superior brainpower and move on to things that make YOU happy. When you're happy, others will thrive from it too, and that, really, is the foundation of true love, right?
Love from Boston,
She's so freaking awesome.