Sunday, April 13, 2008

On Not Dating

I don't know if I mentioned this anywhere, but Boy and I are no longer dating. This is a long story and I'll get to it, but there's something else I may have failed to mention. I am depressed. DID YOU HEAR THAT, INTERNET??? THE SADNESS INSIDE OF ME MAY KILL ME. Okay. I got that out. Now onto the crazed situation that is Boy.

I want a magic wand that erases commitment phobia. I don't have a phobia of commitment. What's wrong with the rest of you???

So I know Boy reads my blog (HI BOY!!! *BIG WAVE*), but this in no way means I'm going to edit what I have to say. And it in no way means that I will necessarily want to TALK about this after I write it. I write so I don't have to talk and I can keep you all informed (I don't like to talk about me - I prefer to talk about ya'll).

So I'm having this conversation with another guy friend:

ME: I want a wand that will erase commitment phobia
ME: I have no phobia? what's wrong with the rest of you fools???
Him: I think people are afraid of your cf
ME:no shit sherlock
that's why everyone has broken up with me or failed to commit -
and those bastards have NOTHING to be afraid of .
Him: so the question is what to do about that
Him: why not?
ME: I deal with it damnit - it's not like they actually have to live it
ME:when I'm in the hospital they get to go home at the end of the night
ME: I'm the one with the needle in my chest and the toxic kidney-failure causing drugs in my system.
Him: what happens when you get married and then you have two kids and then you die at the age of 30
Him: leaving behind a husband
Him: what happens to them?
Him: that's what they are afraid of
ME: Well don't think that far ahead - I CAN'T HAVE KIDS CURRENTLY.
Him: wha?

That's right. I CAN'T HAVE KIDS. The strain on my body would probably kill me and/or the baby. The judges don't give babies to mothers who are dying, and I just can't have kids. This in no way means I don't WANT kids (where that conversation proceeded to go), but I CAN'T have them. That's a whole other issue.

So anyways, On Not Dating - which is what Boy and I decided to do - well more like he told me.

So here are parts of the "terrible, horrible, upsetting email" that I sent him, just to give you perspective on how I felt:

"I knew from the start that you were going to have big issues with my CF, and when I came out and finally told people how much I've been suffering for the past couple months, I thought you might understand and support me. I thought you were smart enough to realize that dealing with things like this is learned, not a natural talent.

And there were all the hurtful things you said while holding me and I just wanted to beat the crap out of you. I finally couldn't take your bullshit anymore and told you to leave. AND THEN you call her as soon as you're out the door - SHE KNEW MORE ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN THEN I DID, YOU STUPID BASTARD.

You've made me want to scream and rip all my hair out. Like I really needed another guy to be a douche bag and treat me like this."

So that's what I sent him, and after I took a four hour nap I felt sorry, apologized (WHAT THE HELL DID I DO BESIDES THIS EMAIL, ANYWAYS - WHY DIDN'T HE APOLOGIZE TO ME???) and worked things out with both him and the girl I was talking about in the email. And yes, I in no way meant to drag her into this, but apparently she is the best person for both of us to talk to - and *SCREAMS* I just really needed someone who would only hear my side.

Honestly, last night I thought that was the meanest email I had ever sent - but when I re-read it tonight I realized that it is in NO WAY the meanest email I have ever sent. Haha. I have sent meaner emails to people I was barely mad at.

That's not the point of this either. The point is that in Boy's mind, I think that dating and not dating are the same thing - minus the commitment. There WAS NO commitment when we were dating - and I asked for more commitment because I didn't think I could handle the casual dating and going through this depression thing. So his solution was to STOP DATING but keep hanging out in the same way as if NOTHING happened.

Now I like this hanging out. I really do, and he has TiVo, so he'll never get rid of me, but this is my little rant to the world because I'm not only depressed - I'm royally fucking confused.

I have CF friends who have nice, committed boys. Where is my nice, committed boy???

This CF thing doesn't have to be as scary as you think. Let me throw you in the CF pool - I swear you won't drown.

I haven't drowned yet - and I'm the one with the daily nurse, the one with the millions of pills and treatments, the one who had to drop out of college, the one with limited abilities due to my inability to breathe correctly, the one with the giant needle in my chest.

You are the one who gets to still do activities that you love (because seriously, what kind of person would I be if I made you stop doing things just because I can't do them???)

You are the one who just has to be there while I sleep excessive amounts (because seriously, what kind of person would I be if I made you sleep excessive amounts because I need the rest???)

You are the one who gets to go home at night when I'm in the hospital unable to sleep. You get to sleep in a normal bed and not have nurses keep you awake all night (because seriously, what kind of person would I be to demand that you also have to get a shitty night's sleep???)

You are the one who just has to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay.

...and I've just been told otherwise... but that's my next post...


Anonymous said...

Dear Carla,

I am incredibly sorry you've been upset lately and believe me, dating is just a massive confluence of crazy for everyone and I can't even imagine having that added dynamic of CF to complicate already difficult relationships. I feel I must comment as someone rather afraid of commitment myself in defense of all of us who aren't as brave or as unabashedly audacious as you when it comes to matters of the future. While certainly many issues come to the surface about what it means to support someone through and through (especially when they are sick or dealing with difficult situations beyond their control), hesitation to commit doesn't (necessarily) mean that someone is unwilling or unable to do so. I mean, it's more or less common knowledge that guys evolve more slowly than women emotionally, but think about it this way- you've been forced to truly become an adult with a very adult perspective on the transience of life in ways these dudes can't even imagine. So not only are you female, more mature, etc., but you're also one of very few people your age who can stand up and say "Hey, I've seen how life can end, I've seen what this means, and this is who I am, this is what I want, and this is how I'm going to lead my life." That's true confidence. True integrity. And TRULY FUCKING TERRIFYING to most people who don't understand what this means. 22-year-old guys don't think about marriage. They don't think about what 3 kegs of beer will mean for their health in 10 years. They just don't. And then there's you- this amazing, brilliant individual with so much to offer to the world and to someone who deserves you- and unfortunately you end up suffering the consequences of these tricky dynamics of love. I guess my point is this: there is fear and loneliness and debilitating sadness that will inevitably come whether we are in love or a relationship or very much alone. Don't waste your time with anger toward people who are afraid of sharing these. It's not that they're douchebags, it's just that they're human. I'm a bit terrified of the future myself, and sometimes this manifests itself by forcing me to push away people I love because I'm scared and uncertain and I don't want them to know this. I've never been forced to view time as you have, and truthfully, I believe this is something most people will never understand unless they share the experience firsthand. In general, we're all sort of ridiculous as a species, but it's delicate, beautiful chances that introduce us to people who will be worth our reevaluation of perspective. We don't know when they'll happen or who they'll bring into our lives (and I could talk about God here, but this is already long), but in the mean time, it doesn't mean that everyone who fails us is worthless. Men suck at commitment (and for the record, a lot of women do too). People gossip, screw up, hurt us. So you haven't found the love of your life. But right now- just right now- learn and love the people in your life the best that you can (and I know you do this) and trust that all that practice at loving can only help you someday when that very special guy walks (or ballroom dances!) into your life and sweeps you off your feet. Why be angry with things or people you can't change? There's nothing wrong with letting someone know that they've hurt you, but if you get in the habit of dedicating too much thought to that hurt, you'll miss out on the things and people who will love you deeply and magnificently in return.

This is long and probably incoherent, but I just wanted to say that I admire you for so many genuine reasons and I know I'm not the only one. I am 100% sure that someday (tomorrow? next year? who knows?) love will treat you well. In the mean time, don't blame guys for being douchebags. So they don't want to get married. Too bad for them. Rejoice in your superior brainpower and move on to things that make YOU happy. When you're happy, others will thrive from it too, and that, really, is the foundation of true love, right?

Love from Boston,

Dancing65Roses said...

Thank you so much - and if I could send you a thank you email I would.

Anonymous said...

well, you could just send me a facebook message- but that is unecessary :) What are you doing awake now, anyway? Some of us are up suffering, realizing how awful they are at French. Though that could just be me. Good night, dear :) Get sleep (tell Darin I say hi, too. It's been too long since I've seen that kid)

More love,
B.B. (who is your friend on facebook :) )

Dancing65Roses said...

Yeah I figured that out haha... I'm such a dork.

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