Saturday night was CRAZY - it's chronicled better in THIS ALBUM.
Sunday was Lazy.
Today I slept all day. Yay me.
But that's not why I'm writing. I'm dating again. Someday I'll tell the crazy story of how this happened. But not tonight. Tonight is about this conversation:
Him: So, we can date casually. I'm afraid of getting hurt.
Me: Okay, I know.
Him: Aren't you afraid of getting hurt?
Me: With all the other stuff I have to look ahead to, getting my heart broken is nothing.
And it's so true. I'm not afraid to jump into a relationship because getting my heart broken is nothing compared to getting sicker and losing the ability to do things. The thought of needing oxygen again scares me. Transplant scares me. Even getting better scares me - if that were to happen. But getting my heart broken? Nah. I can put my heart back together - I've done it several times before, so it's all cool.
Plus, I feel that being happy is so worth the possible break-up down the line.
I've been talking online to a friend about how this dating thing started - and the conversation has moved to talking about the other person in the relationship dealing with the possibility of my death. And I told him, "He's not allowed to think about it until I'm ready for him to think about it."
I was sort of joking, but that's how I feel. It's all too much for me to realize that he thinks about that when he considers dating me. WOAH. It took me years to realize that I might die - well, I grew up with CF, and it took me years to learn about the mortality of the disease. I want him to learn about it the same way - it's not fair that he can look it up online and see that I'll probably die young from this!!! I want to censor the information I give him. I don't want to have to push him into the pool and find out if he can swim. I want him to take swimming lessons first and THEN jump in the pool. I want to make sure he's not going to drown.
But it's not really possible to give him swimming lessons on CF - I suppose I'll ask him what he'd prefer, but honestly, since it is my life, the pushing him into the pool seems like the only way to go. But that doesn't mean he has to comprehend the finality of CF - we can ignore that, right???
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