Monday, April 7, 2008

This, That and The Other

Saturday night was CRAZY - it's chronicled better in THIS ALBUM.

Sunday was Lazy.

Today I slept all day. Yay me.

But that's not why I'm writing. I'm dating again. Someday I'll tell the crazy story of how this happened. But not tonight. Tonight is about this conversation:

Him: So, we can date casually. I'm afraid of getting hurt.
Me: Okay, I know.
Him: Aren't you afraid of getting hurt?
Me: No.
Him: ???
Me: With all the other stuff I have to look ahead to, getting my heart broken is nothing.

And it's so true. I'm not afraid to jump into a relationship because getting my heart broken is nothing compared to getting sicker and losing the ability to do things. The thought of needing oxygen again scares me. Transplant scares me. Even getting better scares me - if that were to happen. But getting my heart broken? Nah. I can put my heart back together - I've done it several times before, so it's all cool.

Plus, I feel that being happy is so worth the possible break-up down the line.

I've been talking online to a friend about how this dating thing started - and the conversation has moved to talking about the other person in the relationship dealing with the possibility of my death. And I told him, "He's not allowed to think about it until I'm ready for him to think about it."

I was sort of joking, but that's how I feel. It's all too much for me to realize that he thinks about that when he considers dating me. WOAH. It took me years to realize that I might die - well, I grew up with CF, and it took me years to learn about the mortality of the disease. I want him to learn about it the same way - it's not fair that he can look it up online and see that I'll probably die young from this!!! I want to censor the information I give him. I don't want to have to push him into the pool and find out if he can swim. I want him to take swimming lessons first and THEN jump in the pool. I want to make sure he's not going to drown.

But it's not really possible to give him swimming lessons on CF - I suppose I'll ask him what he'd prefer, but honestly, since it is my life, the pushing him into the pool seems like the only way to go. But that doesn't mean he has to comprehend the finality of CF - we can ignore that, right???


1 comment:

BreathinSteven said...

Hey You...

I kinda like your terminology, "Swimming lessons on CF..."

I like your metaphors -- about pushing him into the pool and finding out if he can swim... About wanting him to take swimming lessons first, and then jumping into the pool... And about not wanting him to drown...

And I think I understand your desire to censor the information he may or may not access on the internets... The information is often too raw, and it just doesn't apply to everyone... And sometimes even when it does apply -- sometimes you need to know and appreciate the person before you can get your arms around the problems...

I like your thought about not being afraid to jump into a relationship because getting your heart broken is nothing compared to other things you have or will face... I think I had other thoughts too -- being afraid to break someone else' heart by leaving them -- well, really, being forced to leave them... And I struggled a good number of years with that and thought I was happy being "alone" and having family and friends...

But I fell in love. Head over freakin' heals in love... And you know what? She understood. She didn't drown. Yes, I gave her "swimming lessons" -- I told her I might have 10 years, but it also could be 6 months... We swam in some pretty choppy, deep and scary waters over the years... But we've been swimming for 21 years now -- married for 19 -- and I'm still head over freakin' heals in love.

Like you said -- maybe it's really not possible to give swimming lessons in CF... But I think there are people out there with amazing qualities -- people who can get pushed in, and pulled under, and come up for air and not drown... And when you get the right one, they can keep you from drowning as well...

I don't know you very well, Carla -- just what I've read on your blog... But I have a feeling your pretty special. And I don't mean like "special-ed"... :-D Nope -- he probably doesn't have to comprehend the finality of CF for a while -- but if he ever does have to comprehend that, perhaps he'll know that there is incredible value in these relationships... Maybe it's like 8 seconds on a brahma bull versus a few hours on a donkey... Really -- which would you rather live through?



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