Sunday, April 13, 2008

Welcome to the Hotel California

This hit me tonight and made me think:

"Her mind is tiffany-twisted, she got the mercedes bends
She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys, that she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard, sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget"

I wish I could go back to dancing to forget everything. Dancing is my passion and I really want to enjoy it. If nothing else, I want to enjoy dance.

I love "Hotel California" - it is my hospital song, mainly because of this part:

"Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
"relax," said the night man,
We are programmed to receive.
You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave! "

But this is how I really feel about my depression. I have been running and running from it, and now I just can't leave.

I feel better now that I talked with my Dad and I think we have a plan. I always like to go to the doctor with a drug in mind so they don't suggest something horrible that will mess up everything else I'm on. This prevents me from losing all confidence in yet another doctor.

And by I "feel better" I mean I'm not so fucking anxious trying to figure out how I'm going to fix this.

And to those of you who don't agree with psychotropic drugs: SUCK IT. If drugs are the fastest way to get me back to who I used to be, then I'm all for it. Drugs were the only way I could get over my PTSD and holy shit am I a fan. I am NOT a fan of people who will criticize me for choosing the "easy" way and taking the meds. The meds are in no way an "easy way." I still have to get doses right and find a med that works without changing too many of my others, and oh wait, I'M STILL DEPRESSED until the meds are perfect.

So if you think I'm weak for going the drug route, that's your opinion. Please keep it to yourself.

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