Friday, April 25, 2008

The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Evening

I'm finally going to write about it. I mentioned it here and here.

Where I left off was saying that my friend - probably the best one I have right now in this town - told me that she wanted to talk to me about something. The second I read the email that said that I knew what she was going to say, but I was hoping it would be something better like "I'm dying of cancer," or even better, "I'm dying of cancer and sitting here with you Carla is going to kill me." I'm pretty sure I would have gotten over those faster.

So we met at Noodles and she told me - she's dating Boy. So now Girl and Boy are dating. How fucking perfect. I felt completely betrayed - and still sometimes do, like when I think about how when she said that when Boy and I started dating she liked him - and then I realize that she was dating someone else at the time. In my mind, I am the only one allowed to have my cake and eat it too and I guess Girl missed the memo.

Actually, I sat there across from her for quite awhile chewing my mac & cheese. Worst awful moment ever. I wanted to scream and throw things, but at the same time I didn't want to get arrested. I was too upset to talk to her and too upset to go to dance practice. I know this makes me a horrible vice-captain, but I just don't go places when I'm in the middle of the ugly cry.

I ugly cried the whole way home and the whole time I talked to Girl on the phone and the whole time I typed an evil email to Boy. I know I called him a slew of names - none too horrible, just horrible enough.

Girl said that she was happy for us when we dated - even though she liked him, she stepped back (let me remind you she was dating someone else so how was I supposed to know she liked Boy, and I wouldn't really consider dating someone else "stepping back," although that dating ended as a result of photos I posted). This is what I call the, "You are being mad at me irrationally and stop it because I am a better person than you" move. The girl with the severe depression who was dumped because of the incurable disease that is killing her has the right to be mad at you, okay? Thanks.

I can hear the shit I'm going to get for this post already. The next night when I actually talked to boy (well, he talked, I yelled and condescended), he complained about me blogging about all this when he and I were together and told me that he stopped dating me mainly because I'm controlling - and I have "character flaws" - mainly being that I'm stronger and I get what I want. I don't consider them flaws and I will never apologize for being who I am. What I have been through has contributed to my strength and my will to get things done the right way - my way - and I will NEVER apologize for that.

My favorite was his excuse for canceling plans with me so that he could hang out with her - he said he wanted to talk about me. What a classy excuse; I would have just come out and said, "I wanted to jump her and you, not so much Carla," but I guess we're different that way. Two words: Douche. Bag.

So I've been trying to take the high road and be okay with all of this (which makes me wonder if I am more mentally ill than my current diagnosis suggests), mainly for the sake of my friendship with Girl. Yes I feel like she stabbed me in the back, but I don't want to lose her as a friend.

It took me this long to be able to talk about any of this - and that should say something since I'm not afraid to talk about anything.

So my point is, The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Evening was awful. As was the next night with all the yelling and condescending going on, and after all of that I realized I could never be with Boy because he can't handle 1) My CF 2) My depression 3) My "control issues" - you spend five weeks in the hospital where they do nothing but fuck up and see if you don't come away with some "control issues" 4) My strong personality AKA Getting My Way and 5) - my favorite - My demands of support. Because it is unreasonable to ask a friend to come and sit with you when you are lonely and having panic attacks because you are alone. Yes. That sure is being a shitty friend - man! I suck!

But after all that realizing why does it still hurt so much when Girl sends an email that contains the phrase "I'll be back on Sunday and hanging out with Boy, so...."???

I can't stand Boy anymore. I don't know if I'm going to be able to be in the same room as him or look at him, and it bothers me that she's going to hang out with him? I guess I knew that's kinda what "dating" is, but it still hurts. And I think the problem is that I had made these two great friends who I could hang out with frequently - and now that's all fucked up. And they are closer to each other then they are to me and I can't stand that. I'll admit it. I don't want them together because I still want to be friends with both of them. Well maybe not Boy, I haven't decided yet, but I love Girl to death, and her being so close to Boy is hard for me.

I can't stand that people have the gall to tell me that my CF is the reason we can't date. You WUSS! Seriously, are you that selfish??? I get told that I'm pretty, and my personality is fabulous - worth worshiping - and that I'm a great all-around person. When this comes from my friends it is appreciated because sometimes I forget that I am something more then my CF. I am a person. I am not my CF - I just happen to have CF.

I very often get the "you're an awesome person who is very attractive and I'd really like to bang you, but that relationship thing? Not gonna happen here." I've lost count how many times this has happened. I have had two supportive relationships, but they got scared. One got scared when I nearly died - and the other, well he had to ride his bike to New Orleans and needed to screw everyone along the way. Nice guy.

About that guy - the guy who rode the bicycle to New Orleans - people keep asking me if he's back - like we're going to get back together or something. Too bad when we got together at Christmas, as he is helping my load my car for my trip to visit my family he suggests that I should carry a backpacking backpack through Europe. He is there to help me because I can't lift my own suitcase. I turned to him and asked, "Have you MET me?"

That, and the fact that he has a new girlfriend kinda got in the way of us getting back together, but evidently the entire CF group and my therapist were hoping we would. Too bad they had no idea the real reasons he broke up with me.

That was a long tangent.

Oh yes, the "I want to sleep with you but I in no way want to support you and your struggle with your CF except to show up at the hospital." Showing up at the hospital is good - and I will never say no to a visitor - except that one, and he knows who he is. Every time he calls when I'm inpatient I hit the "fuck you button" - also known as Silence. He's only trying to visit so he can later try and guilt me into taking care of him while he's drunk because he "was supportive of me." Another nice guy. Where do I find these guys??? And why do I date them??? And why do they still call me two years later???

I'm waiting for the day when I run into an ex on the street and he will say, "Oh, you're still alive? I figured you would've been dead by now." Because things like that happen to me. And I will be blogging my up-coming hospital stay in FULL COLOR, so no stupid thing will be missed.

What will they screw up this time? I can hardly wait to find out.

And now that I've blogged all this out, I've realized that Girl and Boy deserve each other and I hope they are happy. But they better not fucking forget about me or I will kick some ass. And the condescending will be brought out in full swing - no feeling spared.


Anonymous said...

It really is none of my business...I realize this, but neither Girl nor Boy are your friend! Feeling the way that you do you must eliminate negativity from around you so that you can focus on getting/feeling well. You don't need to be hearing about Girl and Boy hanging out! My experience with depression is 1) Meds take a while, and sometimes a little "tweaking" is necessary. 2) One hour at a time will lead to one day at a time until you are ok
3) Have people around you that uplift you instead of cause you saddness...atleast for now....
Again, I repeat, none of my business-don't mean any harm by my words, just hoping my coping might help your coping.

Chris S. said...

I agree with anonymous. Friends don't do that kind of stuff to you. I know you know better people and they could be better friends.

I don't think you're controlling. You have some self-respect, unlike other people, and you stick up for yourself. I agree with what you say about demanding what's right for you. You deserve it. Just because others don't have the same self-respect and they don't know what that's like doesn't mean you are controlling. It's the same with you mom. She thinks you're controlling. It's not that. See above.

"Demands of support"?! That's bullshit! Any decent friend would just BE there for you, and you wouldn't have to say anything!

I don't think you should get back together with the bike riding bozo. I don't like him, and I haven't even met him. You can find someone better. He's just not going to respect you.

Gosh, I get so pissed when people treat you like this! WTF is with them! ARG!

And write whatever you want! This is your blog, and no one is forced to read it!

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