Friday, April 11, 2008

I can't sleep

The Queen of Sleep Can't Sleep. Alert the news.

I've now gotten myself all worked up and I need to figure out what is wrong with me and what I want and what I need and I need to fix it all before I can fall asleep. And we wonder why I sleep through the day? Maybe it has to do with me being up all hours blogging because I can't sleep. I can't shut my stupid brain off.

I am now trying to figure out why I am bleeding. Let's go to webMD (my worst enemy - I HATE that website) and see what they say is wrong with me.

Okay, so I am suspecting that maybe I have a yeast infection - so here are some of the things webMD has to say (my symptoms fit):

"Rarely, the yeast infection may spread throughout the body. In systemic candidal disease, up to 75% of people may die. Even common mouth and vaginal yeast infections can cause critical illness and can be more resistant to normal treatment

Yeast infections that return may be a sign of more serious diseases such as diabetes, leukemia or AIDS."

Right. That's why I hate webMD. I have AIDS and Leukemia now because I'm already diabetic. That must be it. How can I go to the doctor and say "Test me for Leukemia please. webMD told me so. Thanks."?

Or I might have Cervicitis - what the hell is this? Does this explain my bleeding. It doesn't say.
I like this one: Premature Labor. Right. SHUT UP. I'm not pregnant.
Also - Aspirin Use. I'm not taking aspirin. Pretty sure that's not it you stupid computer.

Okay, well I know I have Uterine Fibroids - and these symptoms actually fit and make sense. Now I'm freaking out that I might need surgery to remove them. I have a big "THING" in my uterus that causes me to bleed - and I think that's what is causing this bleeding and more severe anemia and all my pain, etc.

I suppose I'll have to go in to the gynecologist and figure this shit out. I don't want to have surgery - but maybe they can schedule that one for the same day as a sinus surgery - or maybe they'll just take out all my reproductive organs all together and that would make my life blissful.
I would regret that if they ever get that treatment for CF that might make children possible. RAR.


Froggymama said...

Webmd is horrible. Whenever I look up something benign, it inevitably comes up with cancer or some bleeding disorder. So I wouldn't worry.

I found you through the CF world. My toddler has CF, and I guess I'm always preparing for her teenage and adult years, because even at 2, she is so incredibly independent, and I want to be prepared for the ultimate rebellion.

I hope, I pray, I want, for her to have an easier time, but I'm not sure how her life will be, so I look to people like you. I welcome your honesty, your heart, and I hope that someday I can be my daughter's friend, as well as her mom and help her through this.

There is nothing better than a good night's sleep, and I wish that for you.


Anonymous said...

DOn't worry about webmd they have no idea what they are talking about.. every time i go on there they think i'm going to die too.. whatever.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

I remember these feelings SO well. The last bout I had with clinical depression was just like this. I couldn't move. Couldn't think. Drove for shit and was really lucky I didn't kill someone while behind the wheel. I knew I needed help and I couldn't make myself call. When I finally did call a therapist they needed insurance info, needed me to pick a time to come in that would work every week, needed a detailed list of my symptoms. HELLO!?? I"M fucking depressed. I can't give you ANY of that right now!!!!!!!

I remember being at work and my boss asking me something and all I could do was shrug. I just didn't care. I usually mustered up enought energy to smile for my daughter when I was with her, but that was it.

Looking back, I realize how sleep deprived I was then. My insomnia made my sleep cycles get totally reversed and I probably wasn't getting more than 3 hours of sleep a night for a month. Then I'd sleep ALL weekend. I'm teetering on the edge of that happening again, and the same old feelings are starting to creep back. Knowing how much bullshit therapy was, and how much I hated anti-depressants (not to mention paying for them!!!!) I'm thinking I'm going to work on improving my sleep habits before things get worse. I really wonder if part of what you are expereincing is related to sleep and lack of. But what would I know. I don't work for webmd. (the ignorant bastards!)

In all seriousness. I understand the inability to pick up the phone and make the calls you need to make. I totally was there. But, please ask someone to make them for you. Have somone (your brother, a friend, me?) make you an appointment and kidnap you and take you. You need to figure out what's wrong. The bleeding could be iron related, or, the low iron could be bleeding related. Both are probably hormonal and are an easy fix if you know what's wrong. Who ever prescribes your psych med needs to know about the sleep issues, the new depression and the bleeding/health issues. SOMEONE needs to do call and set up an appointment for you.

Please. It's not going to "pass." And if, with luck, it does, it's going to come back and bite you in the ass again because you didn't kill it this time. You can't have that happening with Italy coming up. Please. Pick the person who is going to get the ball rolling. Serioulsy, e-mail me if you need me to do it.

I won't tell you you're not a failure. I don't know you well enough to throw around empty reassurances, and that's not, I think, what you're looking for anyway. I will tell you to do one small thing each day to attack this. Start by asking someone to make appointments for you. O.K.?

mom to Emily 2 w/cf

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