So I am supposed to be making the donation box for the showcase tomorrow night, but I'm not. I just have too much that I am thinking about right at this very moment. So many things I've failed at recently that just are nagging at me. This isn't me. I am capable and responsible and don't forget to do things. This isn't me. I want me back. I want to be able to get all my stuff done and just function.
Tonight I had a CF group meeting. I love them. It was a couple's meeting tonight and it made me think about a lot of things. There were only two other couples there, but we discussing other couples (because we can do that - we're special like that).
When I first joined the group about four years ago (I can't believe it's been that long - the most supported years of my life), there was a couple I looked up to more than any of the others. The other couples who are most regularly there are couples where the guy has CF - and not that I don't admire them, but there was just this one woman and her husband that I looked up to.
I saw them as what I wanted - a loving supportive husband, who would help her through anything. The way he talked those first couple years was amazing. And she (the CFer) was so strong in her own way - and yet so not like me. Not so horribly harsh and not the type to force doctors into retirement (which I did recently).
I always looked up to her - and still do. She had her transplant a couple years ago, and had a tough time after - but never gave up. Her strength amazes and inspires me. And now she and her husband - the husband I thought was so amazing and exactly what I wanted (so much so that my friend Rachel and I joked about making a slide show of him and giving it to my then boyfriend to say "this is what you should be") - have split up.
And I don't know details and wouldn't share them here, but basically, shit happens. And maybe this disease is just too much for another person to deal with - and by another person I mean a guy who doesn't have CF. The women who choose to marry a CFer are strong and amazing - and the men, maybe not so much. I know a few couples where the guy is supportive of the CFer, but I also see the non-CFer there have many more problems and pull away.
I am just generalizing here - and the couples I know are the ones who WANT to come and share about their CF. They are there for the same reason I am - so that we're not alone. I know the CF group has helped many people - it's just an amazing group of people. And our social worker is what my dad and I call "A real Jedi." He's beyond amazing.
But what I was trying to point out is that I'm realizing it's a tough world out there and then throw in CF and trying to survive as a couple. I don't know how anyone does it. Maybe I'll just stay by myself. Yeah, because we all know that's exactly what I want.
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