Goldfish and Peanut Butter

I'm eating goldfish crackers and peanut butter - it has become my staple meal. I just don't feel like eating anything else and I know I'm losing weight and they are going to yell like crazy at me at the hospital - hopefully the words "feeding tube" will not come up because I am not that thin yet. I know I guy who is 38 (I thought he was my age, whoops!) who has CF, and to the best of my knowledge doesn't have a feeding tube. Okay I didn't word that right - he is the skinniest person I know - which doesn't help lung function - it hurts it, and he doesn't have a feeding tube. So hopefully they won't threaten me with one yet.

Goldfish and peanut butter. There is something comforting in them - maybe because my mom used to feed them to me all the time when I was a little kid.

Today has sucked. Royally. I went to dance practice, and there weren't many people there and Coach asked if my boyfriend was going to show up. And I looked at him like he was crazy, while my heart began to beat out of my chest. We had a few awkward moments and words and I walked away in a complete panic attack. G-R-E-A-T. I don't know who he was implying that I was dating, but the fact that everything is just so screwed up just threw me over the edge.

I couldn't pay attention while dancing, and I was dancing with a pretty good lead- he's really good at swing anyways, and then I got stuck with one of the new members. Usually I am patient and willing to help, but at one point I just lost it and started yelling, "PUT YOUR WEIGHT ON THE ROCKING FOOT!" And he didn't get it and then during a demonstration I almost fell asleep and I couldn't listen and I felt like I wanted to throw up and the "Please let me curl up and die" feeling over came me and I had to leave. I didn't even tell anyone why I was leaving - I just left. And I made it to my car before the tears fell uncontrollably.

Thankfully a good friend sent me a message just as I got home, so I went to spend time with her. I have this horrible problem that I am not good by myself when I'm feeling so depressed, but if I'm in a room with too many people I feel as if they know that I'm paranoid and they are all looking at me. I know this isn't normal and I am crazier than my diagnosis suggests.

Must work on this in therapy. Dr. Martin will know how to fix it. His suggestion for this week was to continue what I was doing, but to stay away from Boy.

He also helped me come up with new, creative ways to eat Goldfish and Peanut Butter - like Goldfish and Peanut Butter in a tortilla. I told you this man is brilliant.

Comments

Chris S. said…
I totally understand the comfort of other people. That's why I said you should go to the dance.
April 27, 2008 at 1:44 PM
Anonymous said…
They've been threatening me with a feeding tube on and off for a few years now, but I've always managed to avoid it. I think the good thing for you is that if you are at a weight that you feel you need to drop a few pounds, that you could likely also put it back on if needed. The latest consensus for me has been that the risks of putting in a feeding tube at this time would out weight the benefits (no pun intended).
April 28, 2008 at 12:09 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

CF Contact

Image
Me and Trinity: What a cutie! Chest PT on a baby: The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation discourages any contact among CF patients. Personally, I think this is overreacting at its best. Yes, some precautions need to be taken, but it has been blown totally out of proportion. I am writing this because the other night at Concert on the Square I held Trinity. Her mom handed her over to me, and we were talking and then she told me that Trinity has CF. I asked if I should take precautions and her mom said that it was okay for me to interact with her - and I feel that as long as the parent says it's okay, it's okay with me. And I did her chest pt - and it was a nice break for the parents. They have three children under three and two of them have CF. They have a 3-year-old with CF, an 18-month-old without, and Trinity, 2-months-old, with CF. If any family needs a break it's this one. I have always wanted to work with CF kids - and I know how much the CF Foundation would have nothin...
Read more

Change of Plans

I had my weekend all planned out, and all I had to do was last through it. I knew that was going to be hard when I realized how bad my lungs were on Tuesday. Dancing was nearly impossible. Yesterday and today I have worked hard to get things ready for the benefit tomorrow night - and I called clinic and we arranged for me to be admitted on Saturday. We'll see if I make it to the elections or not. I'd like to, but maybe it's pointless. I think I'll call clinic tomorrow and ask them to see if my room could be ready by, oh, 10 am or something like that. That way, maybe by evening I'll have some antibiotics running. *le sigh*. I'm doing this by myself. I and Mom decided that she can come down later in the week if I need her - which I might. Right now, I'm pretty fucking sick. I'm going to bed at this ridiculously early hour so maybe I have a prayer of lasting through tomorrow. I also realized this evening how few people understand this. They don...
Read more

A word about my sinuses

Ow. (Note, this is not a complaint. I am simply stating that I am currently in a state of pain.) WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNTS OF SARCASM AHEAD. Even though the pain is so bad I can barely stay awake, I am still able to run and jump and sing and dance (because, DUH I'm addicted to running and can't stop... I LOVE my lungs and all they do for me!) and I will be doing a marathon soon, so watch for that. I will be DANCING the marathon, and singing the whole way. What do you think, should I sing Hannah Montana??? And High School Musical??? Whadda ya think??? And since the only thing that seems to help the pain are my migraine pills, I will be popping them like candy. I will put them in rolls and eat them like Smarties. Mmmm Migraine Smarties. Never mind the fact that you are never supposed to take more than 2 in a 24 hour period. I need them to stop the pain of the goo oozing into my brain, so I'll eat them like candy. And maybe it will kill me, so despite the fact that I a...
Read more