On Not Dating

I don't know if I mentioned this anywhere, but Boy and I are no longer dating. This is a long story and I'll get to it, but there's something else I may have failed to mention. I am depressed. DID YOU HEAR THAT, INTERNET??? THE SADNESS INSIDE OF ME MAY KILL ME. Okay. I got that out. Now onto the crazed situation that is Boy.

I want a magic wand that erases commitment phobia. I don't have a phobia of commitment. What's wrong with the rest of you???

So I know Boy reads my blog (HI BOY!!! *BIG WAVE*), but this in no way means I'm going to edit what I have to say. And it in no way means that I will necessarily want to TALK about this after I write it. I write so I don't have to talk and I can keep you all informed (I don't like to talk about me - I prefer to talk about ya'll).

So I'm having this conversation with another guy friend:

ME: I want a wand that will erase commitment phobia
ME: I have no phobia? what's wrong with the rest of you fools???
Him: I think people are afraid of your cf
ME:no shit sherlock
that's why everyone has broken up with me or failed to commit -
and those bastards have NOTHING to be afraid of .
Him: so the question is what to do about that
Him: why not?
ME: I deal with it damnit - it's not like they actually have to live it
ME:when I'm in the hospital they get to go home at the end of the night
ME: I'm the one with the needle in my chest and the toxic kidney-failure causing drugs in my system.
Him: what happens when you get married and then you have two kids and then you die at the age of 30
Him: leaving behind a husband
Him: what happens to them?
Him: that's what they are afraid of
ME: Well don't think that far ahead - I CAN'T HAVE KIDS CURRENTLY.
Him: wha?

That's right. I CAN'T HAVE KIDS. The strain on my body would probably kill me and/or the baby. The judges don't give babies to mothers who are dying, and I just can't have kids. This in no way means I don't WANT kids (where that conversation proceeded to go), but I CAN'T have them. That's a whole other issue.

So anyways, On Not Dating - which is what Boy and I decided to do - well more like he told me.

So here are parts of the "terrible, horrible, upsetting email" that I sent him, just to give you perspective on how I felt:

"I knew from the start that you were going to have big issues with my CF, and when I came out and finally told people how much I've been suffering for the past couple months, I thought you might understand and support me. I thought you were smart enough to realize that dealing with things like this is learned, not a natural talent.

And there were all the hurtful things you said while holding me and I just wanted to beat the crap out of you. I finally couldn't take your bullshit anymore and told you to leave. AND THEN you call her as soon as you're out the door - SHE KNEW MORE ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN THEN I DID, YOU STUPID BASTARD.

You've made me want to scream and rip all my hair out. Like I really needed another guy to be a douche bag and treat me like this."

So that's what I sent him, and after I took a four hour nap I felt sorry, apologized (WHAT THE HELL DID I DO BESIDES THIS EMAIL, ANYWAYS - WHY DIDN'T HE APOLOGIZE TO ME???) and worked things out with both him and the girl I was talking about in the email. And yes, I in no way meant to drag her into this, but apparently she is the best person for both of us to talk to - and *SCREAMS* I just really needed someone who would only hear my side.

Honestly, last night I thought that was the meanest email I had ever sent - but when I re-read it tonight I realized that it is in NO WAY the meanest email I have ever sent. Haha. I have sent meaner emails to people I was barely mad at.

That's not the point of this either. The point is that in Boy's mind, I think that dating and not dating are the same thing - minus the commitment. There WAS NO commitment when we were dating - and I asked for more commitment because I didn't think I could handle the casual dating and going through this depression thing. So his solution was to STOP DATING but keep hanging out in the same way as if NOTHING happened.

Now I like this hanging out. I really do, and he has TiVo, so he'll never get rid of me, but this is my little rant to the world because I'm not only depressed - I'm royally fucking confused.

I have CF friends who have nice, committed boys. Where is my nice, committed boy???

This CF thing doesn't have to be as scary as you think. Let me throw you in the CF pool - I swear you won't drown.

I haven't drowned yet - and I'm the one with the daily nurse, the one with the millions of pills and treatments, the one who had to drop out of college, the one with limited abilities due to my inability to breathe correctly, the one with the giant needle in my chest.

You are the one who gets to still do activities that you love (because seriously, what kind of person would I be if I made you stop doing things just because I can't do them???)

You are the one who just has to be there while I sleep excessive amounts (because seriously, what kind of person would I be if I made you sleep excessive amounts because I need the rest???)

You are the one who gets to go home at night when I'm in the hospital unable to sleep. You get to sleep in a normal bed and not have nurses keep you awake all night (because seriously, what kind of person would I be to demand that you also have to get a shitty night's sleep???)

You are the one who just has to hold my hand and tell me it'll be okay.

...and I've just been told otherwise... but that's my next post...