Learning To Live

Sometimes I don't like when people ask me how I am. Not the people who know me really well and know about my CF - they actually care and I feel comfortable saying, "Well I was just in the hospital and I feel really shitty," or "Maybe I'll have to have IVs soon," or my favorite, "Well, I'm alive." It's the casual friends who don't really get my CF that I have a hard time answering that question for. I say, "I'm fine," "I'm okay," or "I'm good." And no matter how I feel I may give you any of those three answers. So usually it doesn't matter when acquaintances ask, because I don't really give a real answer. But today? Today, you can go ahead and ask because I am Fan-Fucking-Tastic!!! Today? How was my day? Fucking Fabulous. I rolled out of bed this morning later than I had hoped, but I got up, and I showered. Those two things don't usually ever happen in the same day - the get...

I have launched another blog (I needed that like I needed a hole in my head) for my travel photos. It's http://dancing65rosestravel.blogspot.com Yeah, it's a little long... but I wanted to keep it so I would remember it. Also I wanted a separate blog b/c in the next couple years I plan to travel a lot, hopefully, and I want to keep my mom updated with the photos. This way Mom won't see my original blog - this one - but she will be able to see the photos I upload. Cheers! And 8 days until lift off! Carla

Tonight I know my CF is a gift. Because of my CF I have met wonderful people - my CF Family here in town. We were all gathered tonight for our group meeting - and there were so many of us there it was wonderful!!! I know my CF is a gift because if I didn't have CF I wouldn't have met my wonderful CF family or my social worker Damien, who if basically Obi Won. I'm so excited to work closely with him this summer and learn from him. Working with him will be so much more than earning a degree in social work. It will add to my degree in LIFE. And that's what I have. A degree in Life. After tonight's meeting I called my parents and put them both on the line. Dad was worried when I first asked to speak to both of them at the same time, and I said, "Don't worry, nothing is wrong. I just want to talk to you both." And I thanked them. I see the other CF people who have to work themselves basically to death just to get by - and they have to make decisio...

So I thought I told everyone this was done. I did that, right? The whole bashing me and Toni commenting thing was over. Right? I swear I may have mentioned that once, twice or a million times. Anyways, she IMed me this today (I am aware some of you advised me to block her, but I always feel really bad about blocking people - some of you may remember the "Blocking Alex" attempt of 2005. I felt so guilty about blocking him on facebook that I un-blocked him and re-friended him. He never even noticed that I had blocked him in the first place. Right. I could have many things to say about the whole Alex thing, but I'll move on and go back to talking about Toni, hopefully for the VERY. LAST. TIME. ...and I'm so fucking serious about that.). I'm also including what I wrote... Maybe I was a little harsh, but I don't think this girl understands how little I even care about what she says. It no longer has meaning to me because she has made a complete fool of he...

My brother is an ADD kid. So am I, but I don't listen to dental floss when I'm not on medication. That's right, I'm on the phone with my mother and she's describing to me how my brother is playing with a piece of recently used dental floss, and my brother's excuse is, "I'm listening to it." My mother swears she's going to lose her mind if he doesn't go back on his meds soon. My Dad says that Darin has to go back on his meds before Europe because they have to take care of me. That made me laugh.

I'm done packing. Yeah, that's right. I have a week and 1/2 to go and I'm done. I have to wash two items of clothing and wear them to the airport and I'm done. I looked at my suitcase before bed and thought of one thing I wanted to put in it. Then I thought of another. And it snowballed like that until the suitcase was full and I was done packing. Now I just have to get together all the cables I need to take (phone charger, mp3 player & charger, Delta headphones, computer and accessories, camera charger, camera connector to computer cord, and I think that's it...), put my computer in my brother's backpack *this is going to bug me b/c he's going to arrive Saturday night before we leave EARLY Sunday morning....* I have to throw my toiletries in the suitcase and I'm done. Done packing. Yep. I also have to get a couple more meds so I don't run out mid trip, and I need a letter from Dr. Cornwell and to put together my medication folder. Well, ...

Dear Carla, Don't buy anything in June. You are poor. Thanks, Carla

"Everybody Look Left! Everybody Look Right! Every where you look I'm standing spotlight! Not Yet!" It's so true. I have so many big plans. Big things I want to see and do! I want to get my book published, first. Well, I should finish writing it first, but I also think maybe I should have an editor look at what I have before I finish. Then my next goal is to get parent/child support groups for CF started here in Wisconsin. Third, I want to help set up adult support groups for CF nation-wide. I know our CF group is working on it slowly but surely, but I want to be the one traveling and meeting people and helping to oversee the start-up of the group. I'd love to see all these cities in the US and help all the people with CF at the same time. My last goal would be to oversee the start-up of CF support groups for kids and parents nation-wide. Those are pretty much my life goals. Right now my OCD tendencies are kicking up really bad. I called my parents crying bec...

So for those of you who want to see more happiness in my blog, go ahead and skip right over this one. This is another very honest post. Things I need to admit to. Things I know I need to change. Things I wish were but maybe can't be. Basically, you could consider it complaining if you want to. I don't think of it that way - I see it as being honest with myself. The past two days have been strange. I don't feel quite right. I've been sleeping too much again and I've been picking. I'm anxious and I don't know what's wrong. Yes, I talked this over with my father and he thinks it's the tapering off of the steroid. Sure, go ahead and criticize me about speaking with my father for his medical opinion. Because he went to medical school and actually cares about me. That's why I talk to my dad. Anyways, he has told me that I can't stop the steroid. I must continue even though my mood has gone to hell, I'm picking and that makes me f...

*Today I am looking forward to going to lunch with Carly. She's one of my favorite people to talk to. *I am looking forward to doing some packing this evening and organizing things on my new bookcase. *I can't wait to pick up the new jewelry I bought. *I can't wait until Saturday the 7th, when my Dad and brother will arrive. *I can't wait until the wee hours of Sunday the 8th, when we get up, pack up the car and drive to MKE to deprat!!! *I can't wait to arrive in MKE. I love the smell of that airport. So many good memories there. *I can't wait to be on the plane and be able to write like I want to write. I want to journal and catch up. *I can't wait to be away from here for awhile and in a fabulous place with just my dad and brother. I can't wait.

It's amazing how one person can make you doubt yourself. One person you have never met, one person who really knows nothing about you can decide to judge what you write about yourself on the internet and make you doubt yourself. I've decided that Toni is done commenting here. From now on all her comments will be deleted. I have decided not to moderate comments and I no longer want anything to do with her, so I will delete comments as I find them (they are all emailed to me). SO, if you see anything she has written feel free to comment or ignore it, whatever. I will ignore it and then delete it. The debate whether my mental issues are real or not is OVER. Way more than over. No one else is going to be allowed to doubt me either. I will shut you down so fast you won't know what happened. Thanks, Carla

So here's what Basher sent me in response to my last post: "I understand why you think it's all real. That's the point. Your dad is a psychiatrist. If my dad was a psychiatrist, he would back up my mental illnesses to let me have a way to express what I was feeling that went along with my CF. Have you ever stopped to think maybe being around him, talking to him, may influence how serious you think your "conditions" are? I'm not saying anything against your dad, I don't know him at all, but in general, if I was able to be in touch with someone every day who could justify all my ailments, I might believe a little too much and tell myself there is more wrong with me than there really is. I'm saying this on here so you don't stop writing your blog. I like reading it, just when you aren't all Debbie Downer is all." No Fucking Way. She sent me an IM so that I won't stop writing my blog. Great. Like that's good in any way? Like I ...

I don't know what to do with my blog. I've been thinking about the complaints I've gotten for the depressing nature of my blog... and yeah, I re-read the whole thing, and I was obviously depressed the entire time I was writing, until it got better. I can tell the week where my meds started to work - I changed and people continued to give me shit. The one person in particular who was giving me shit is younger than me. She has CF and is going to school and lives with her parents. I don't know her except through a few online conversations and postings in a group's discussion board. I don't know where she thought it would be a good idea to anonymously bash me and everything I said for more than a month, but that's her business. There are so many things I could say - I could defend my PTSD and my depression because they are real and exist. She "doesn't believe in most psych-illnesses" (yeah, she texted that to ME, the daughter of a PSYCHIATRIST...

So I have finally figured out how to post more than 5 photos in one post... It was easy, but now I know that you have to upload them backwards-ish. So these are totally out of order. Kyra, Chris and I went to the zoo today. Great Place, the zoo - and I had never been to the one here. Right. Getting on those things I should do now that I've lived here 3 years. Enjoy the Zoo photos :-) I enjoyed this one, since we thought about taking my wheelchair for a second, but I am healthy enough to walk the zoo! Yay for walking the zoo! Yay for wheelchairs on a steep hill!! Giraffes!!! Yay! I'd never been this close to an ostrich before. OMG... no zoom, the thing was just THIS. CLOSE. Newlyweds at the Zoo - and look! They match!!! I'd never been this close to a flamingo before!!! Black Bear, Black Bear, what do you see??? A Fun Day At The Zoo!!!

What a beautiful day for a wedding! Not only is the couple beautiful, but it's hard to screw up a photo when the background setting is this awesome! Dance Girls at the reception!

1 Amazing ceremony, dozens of amazing people, 4oo photos, several angry text messages, one great dance, and load of other stuff later, I'm pooped. Will write about the wedding and the reason there were angry text msgs later.

Figure on seeing many more photos just like this... but hopefully a better, more Italian background. Instead of Red Lobster, these photos will be in Italian restaurants. Italian Flowers, not ones from here. And artsy stuff from shops in Italy, not one on Monroe St. And hopefully cute stuff like this: How many more days until I board that plane? 16... just a little more than a hospital stay. I can do this. I can be patient.

I figured it out, and well that sucked. So I lost a "friend" I met online. We've never met in person and we've never talked on the phone. That's right. She drunk dialed me once, but other than that we don't know each other. I'll write more about this later. Include some of the direct things she said to me in a Facebook message. I'll be commenting on how she doesn't believe depression exists and that what I've been through isn't bad enough to cause PTSD. Because she's an expert. And I'm considering blocking all anonymous comments. You will have to leave a name of some sort in order to comment. On 2nd thought... I won't write more about this later.

Someday I'll give up... but now that I think I know who "Anonymous Carla Basher" is, I have a couple more things to say. 1) Thanks to those who defend me :-) It makes my inbox interesting to go through, and uplifting. 2) To Basher, who posted this and other things: "And if you truly knew who I was, you would realize that even friends see how pitiful you are, and not only enemies. I know ENOUGH about you to back my judgments, so I don't feel bad saying them to you because you honestly do need to grow up and start dealing with your emotions better than you do. -A former friend a.k.a. Justified Anonymous Carla Basher." I only have so many friends with CF - most of whom I've met online and have never met in person. Most of whom I don't know. Most of whom don't know me, don't interact with me on a regular basis, and never really know me. There are a couple girls who I've talked to more, and a couple guys. Since three of the four people I...

Today I had my sinuses sucked out. It was AWESOME. Of course, the upper sinuses cannot be suctioned in clinic - don't ask me why, I have a high pain tolerance - today didn't even hurt. Dr. ENT said, "Hold on I know this really hurts!" and I was, "Um, is it supposed to?" I thought it felt really good. So there's that. My other obsession of the day (besides Grey's Anatomy) is the cocaine nasal spray. Wow that felt good, and now I know why people get addicted to drugs. If I knew how to get a hold of cocaine I would make my own nasal spray it helped that much. I was in NO pain. It was sweet. I can't wait to go back in two weeks and have it done again. I also went to the pharmacy, and I had them order and fill ALL my prescriptions. I can't wait to take photos of the big-ass amount of drugs I haul out of there tomorrow. Photos will be posted. A little over two weeks until I leave for where? Oh, yeah! Europe! My dad told me the first day...

Ow. (Note, this is not a complaint. I am simply stating that I am currently in a state of pain.) WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNTS OF SARCASM AHEAD. Even though the pain is so bad I can barely stay awake, I am still able to run and jump and sing and dance (because, DUH I'm addicted to running and can't stop... I LOVE my lungs and all they do for me!) and I will be doing a marathon soon, so watch for that. I will be DANCING the marathon, and singing the whole way. What do you think, should I sing Hannah Montana??? And High School Musical??? Whadda ya think??? And since the only thing that seems to help the pain are my migraine pills, I will be popping them like candy. I will put them in rolls and eat them like Smarties. Mmmm Migraine Smarties. Never mind the fact that you are never supposed to take more than 2 in a 24 hour period. I need them to stop the pain of the goo oozing into my brain, so I'll eat them like candy. And maybe it will kill me, so despite the fact that I a...

Some people may not understand why I let the Anonymous Carla Basher keep bashing. Why? Because it's really fun for me. This time, he/she/it quoted.... wait for it.... no keep waiting, this is good.... he/she/it quoted HANNAH MONTANA. Right. See you laughed along with me. How old is this kid??? "In the words of Hannah Montana: "Life's what you make it." Lets see how many more conditions you can list... The pity factor is rising and rising. Maybe you should just tell us about dancing and singing and happiness instead of complaints and sadness. You are the one making your life seem so bad. If you would just stop looking at all the negativity and focusing on all of the bad, then it would not be so irritating. " If I irritate you, stop reading. How many times have I said that??? Quite a few. But now, this amuses me. The online fights with people who don't know me and just judge me by what I write really amuse me. I'm pretty sure this blog isn...

To the CFer who keeps commenting here and stating his/her opinion on how I don't know how to live my life... stop reading my blog. This was a fun comment: "I never get post-hospital depression. Usually when I am out of the hospital, I'm a bit overjoyed to be honest. My hospital IS structured. Don't act like your hospital and life are so different from mine. Essentially we are the same people except I know how to deal with life and you don't. " Yes, I am overjoyed too... and then I'm overwhelmed for a couple days. Fuck you. We are NOT the same people. If you also suffer clinical depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, restless legs syndrome, fibromyalgia, and diabetes then you can tell me we are the same. Also, I don't go around telling people how horrible they are at living their lives. And this blog is a glimpse into my life. A glimpse on how I deal with my CF and various other bullshit that I deal with. Usually I don't tell you ...

I'm having problems with my sinuses. I was doing so well until the stupid pollens came out. Now I wake up every morning with a terrible headache and I can't go back to sleep. This will soon be replaced with the constant unbearable pain that will make me want to do nothing but sleep. It will make my face puffy and my eyes puffy and maybe I and my family will be the only ones to notice these changes, but they are there when this happens. This summer will be my third summer in a row needing sinus surgery. BOOurns. So here is MY plan: Get them to suck out my sinuses outpatient. This will take some convincing, but I think I can do it. It will be pretty damn painful but will require less recovery time than surgery. This will happen in the next two weeks - Next Tuesday would be a nice date for this to happen. Then I will have a little time to recover and a little time to pack and then I'm off to Europe. Hopefully, that will hold me all summer and until next summer. This ...

I had a nightmare. I didn't remember it until later today, but something was bothering me all day. I woke up and ate breakfast around 8:30, and then went back to sleep because I was tired, and when I woke up the 2nd time all I remembered was trying to name all of Santa's Reindeer. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. And Rudolf. Is that how you spell it? I don't care. Anyways, this afternoon I was thrown back into the nightmare I had had earlier, and the nightmare is probably what woke me up the first time. It was one of my PTSD nightmares. The scary ones where I am in class and then running and trying to get him fired but no one will listen to me. I'm demanding to speak with my guidance counselor and she's not around or she's on the phone, so I talk to someone else and no one will listen and I'm being chased and I have that horrible feeling. The horrible feeling I can't get away from. I don...

I did walking today. Ashley and I walked. We shopped. Walking was hard. This is making me nervous for Europe. Am I going to see everything from my wheel chair? If I do, is that okay with me? I'm not sure. I guess I'll find out. Wow... those were some really great short sentences. I don't know how I feel about all this. I know how excited I am for Europe. I've always wanted to see Italy, and I'm excited to go back to Germany - but what is this trip going to do to my health? I don't really care what it does to my health, because it's my dream trip. Well, I do care. I still want to be able to dance (which is in jeopardy - I really wish we'd start practice again so I could do something physical that's not as hard as walking. I don't know why dancing is easier, it just is). I don't really know how I feel, but I'll probably let you know when I figure it out.

The poem I posted last night was actually written by Sally Meyer. It was written for her son Dhylan who has autism. It is copywritten, but I received an email from her and she said it is okay for me to use it. The version I posted came from a forward, so it is a little different than the original. You can find the original here . Thanks, Sally. Your poems are beautiful.

My friend forwarded this to me. It's a forward that I normally wouldn't pass on (and I didn't), but the poem touched me so that I wanted to post it. This is pretty much what I want in life. For My Daughter *Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play. *Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together. *Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles. *Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by. *Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned. *Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over yo...

I love my baby brother. I had a ton of things to say on the way home, and now I forgot. I guess they'll come back to me later. The one thing I remember is he better not move far away from me, dammit. Or he better buy a really huge house and I can live in the basement and come upstairs for meals. Or, rather, ride the elevator upstairs for meals. :-D

So I was talking to a guy friend online (not Keaton... I have other guy friends) and he was saying that he's not too happy that he graduated because the real world doesn't look too fun. I said, "It's not." And I continued to explain that I've lived in the "real world" and dealt with "adult decisions" since I was about 12. So if the average person graduates at 22, and then starts living in the "real world," and I've been living there since 12, that would make me about the age of 34. and he replied, "I don't think you'll ever live in the real world carla. you so cwazy." And it made me laugh. Because maybe I do live in my own little made up world, but I like it in CarlaLand, and you're welcome to come visit anytime. ;-)

I need to acknowledge this comment: "Well, I haven't been in the hospital for the last, (what was it, 12?) days. So, I can't claim post-hospital depression. But I do have a little Post Great Strides blah's going on. We raised a ton, had mediocre weather, and had a lot of people show up to support us. So why have I been on the verge of tears, if not in tears since we got home? I guess it's because of all those people, not the cf'ers or the cf families, but all the people who came to show their support and write thier checks. All those people got to go home feeling really good. They helped out a GREAT cause. They had a nice day at the zoo. They get to go to work tomorrow and talk about how nice it was. And they're done. They don't have to think about cf again until next year. We're sentenced to life with it. Nice attitude, huh? Pardon my momentary self pity. It's nothing a good night's sleep won't cure. I just wanted to let you know that I...

Seriously, I didn't make this up. You can't make this up. Me: So, what's with the man-boobs? All gay men seem to have them. Do all men have them and straight guys wear looser shirts, or is there a gay gene that makes you have bigger man-boobs? Darin: Carla, they're called pecs. Me: Right, but that's not my question. How do the man-boobs happen? I don't get it. Darin: I don't know. They're pecs. Me: Yeah, but you've never done any sort of work that would make your pecs stand out. Darin: I know. I'm gorgeous. Me: Right. Seems to me you have a self-esteem issue. ...thus making Darin cooler than previously thought to be possible.

Great Strides 2008 - aka a day that made me smile. Bucky Took this one: Idk who took this, but look, I'm happy. Really happy because there is a small child in my arms: Happy because these are my people: And this is Tracy - the best CFF director ever! There. I'm happy. You satisfied?

Because some idiot posted this: "Jesus christ. Nothing makes you happy, like ever. Suck it up woman. " The walk did make me happy. I just came home and felt really crappy from all the things I had done today - way too early in the morning - and well, I don't know if you've seen any of the photos, but I AM smiling and HAVING A GOOD TIME. And just for that... my next post will be photos from today to prove I have the ability to smile. I loved being with the people who love me. I loved walking with them and joking with them. They are great people. And any time I get to spend with Sarah Lynn is a good time. I'm going to build a boat, and take Darin and Sarah Lynn hostage and move them to a desert island. Because sometimes, they are the only people in the world I want to spend time with. Sometimes, but not today. Today I got to spend time with little kids - and hold Josie and make her giggle. "Is Josie going to ride the bus" "Yes!" "Is...

So I have this post-hospital depression thing going on. It doesn't kick in until I realize that I'm going to be all alone again, and well, I hate that. Today was Great Strides. We raised a ton of money, but it was so cold it wasn't very fun. Plus all that walking sucked. Royally sucked. I don't know what to do about Italy - I guess I have to practice walking??? This was the first year at the walk my whole team didn't stay together and I guess it bothered me. I'm going back to my room to watch more TV (yeah, like a lot has changed since the hospital - still spending time in bed watching TV... except now I can't order my food - I have to get up and get it). Blah.

I spent the first half of the day sleeping. The next half was spent with my brother, a friend, my brother, and oh yeah, my brother. Lots of quality time with Dar-Dar. He's the greatest. We went to Red Lobster and fought over the waiter the whole time. "He's looking at me!" "No he's looking at me!" I kept saying, you know I'm going to blog this. I almost died when my brother ate a tomato. I had to take a photo. On the way home I realized I forgot to take a picture of me leaving my number for the waiter, and Darin said we could just re-create the scene when we got home so I could put it on my blog. It would be "Here is the recreation of me putting my phone number on the check" and then a lame photo taken in my dining room. Remember that. Darin and Brian (his soon to be roommate) made an awesome CD - a CD with more than one Celine Dion song, a song by Cher, and multiple songs from musical theater. There's also techno and very girlie...

I'm HOME! And I took a shower and it didn't smell like dirty gerbil cage! And I slept in my own bed for hours and hours straight! And I'm home and feel great! And now tomorrow is Great Strides :-) And then Chris and Kyra's Wedding next weekend And Packing for Italy and then ITALY!!! :-) So I'm excited!

"Kirk: Are you ignoring me? Miss Patty: Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk." -Gilmore Girls "Lorelai: Michel - the phone! Michel: Yes. It rings. Lorelai: Can you answer it? Michel: No. People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them." - Gilmore Girls "I'm dating and it comes with snacks!" - Grey's "I know you think you're scary and damaged and it makes you feel like you don't deserve good things, but you do." - Grey's "Nurse: Do you have any medical conditions? Bartlet: Well, I've been shot." - The West Wing From my favorite episode of West Wing EVER: " Leo: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of the White House, had a two-ton block of cheese. Josh: And a Wheat Thin the size of Lake Tahoe." - The West Wing "Lorelai: I'm going to go make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken. Rory: That's going on your tombstone." - Gilmore Girls This is a favorite...

Did I mention I'm GOING HOME TOMORROW?!?!?! I LOVE that I'm going home tomorrow!!!

I GO HOME TOMORROW!!! I GET OUT OF HERE AND GET TO SLEEP IN MY OWN BED!!! And I got exciting news from Chris and Kyra - but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to share it here yet. What I know now is I'm exhausted and just want to sleep for the rest of my life. But not really - I am excited for the CF walk! :-)! It's on SUNDAY!!! That's all I have to say for now. I'm too sleepy to be very clever.

So I follow the blog of Nate and Tricia Lawrenson , well it's Nate's blog, but Tricia has CF and recently had her double lung transplant. Today they got to bring their baby girl home. She was born 15+ weeks early, and it's amazing how well she's doing. It's amazing how well they are all doing. Here is a photo session of them. Scroll down to see the photos and the slideshow of photos. They are brilliant. My recent obsession with photography makes me want to be able to take photos like that. I'm really excited for Nate and Tricia and Gwyneth.

Twitter Works!!! But tonight I have too many thoughts to Twitter them all. I still have to try texting to Twitter to see if it works - that's my plan for Italy - to Twitter more things than do big posts. Hopefully I will post a photo a day, though. We'll see. Thinklings: * Why do they let the IV pole for the guy next door beep for an hour, and then when they find him say things like "This is why we have to restrain you at night!" and "We need to clean up all this blood"??? This indicates to me that he pulled out his line and was sitting there bleeding for an hour. Did no one notice that his pole was beeping??? My nurse was here TWICE and his door was open because I could hear the pole beeping!!! What is wrong with this place??? * "He would have been a really good boyfriend had he not been so depressed and had he not been so weird." Said by me about an ex. Ranting with Rachel is the best thing ever. * Let's hope for sleep ;-)

I'm going to start using Twitter to update with just little phrases. Maybe this will take the place of some of those thinklings I post. Or not. Hopefully it will be in the right hand column under the "about me." Hopefully being the key word. It's currently slow-going. While editing a photo to make my Twitter photo, I accidentally deleted the original. The second I did it I was like DUH! Oh well. I have the original on my other computer, and I'll be back home FRIDAY!!! FRIDAY!!! Like the day after tomorrow!!! YAY!!! When I get it up and running, my first Twitter will read: I can't believe I was stupid enough to delete the original copy of that photo. Thank God for Memory Cards.

A couple years ago my dad made me a sign for my birthday. It has a postcard of a golden retriever and the words "As long as one and one are two, there could never be another father who loves his daughter as much as I love you." It's the best present I've ever gotten. It sits on a shelf above my bed where I keep my collection of angels. It's on my angel shelf. Dad made it because of a Paul Simon's song "Father and Daughter." Everyone knows Paul Simon is my favorite, and this song is special for me and Dad. The lyrics are: "I'm gonna stand guard Like the postcard of a golden retriever and never leave until I leave you With a sweet dream in your head I'm gonna watch you shine Gonna watch you grow Gonna paint a sign So you'll always know As long as one and one is two There could never be a father Who loved his daughter more Than I loved you Trust your intuition It's just like goin' fishin' You cast your line and Hope you...

Today I got to page 1 of Dooce.com Yay for me. Now I plan on composing a well-written email to Heather Armstrong about blogging and writing a book and how she did it. My problem is I'm on a very small income - focus on VERY small and the government doesn't allow me to work to earn more. Long story, something I won't blog about in detail. But anyways, I need to figure out how to get my message to more people. To get the numbers on this site higher. To get published. To write a column or help edit things or do something else I'm wildly unqualified for. Today the girl across the hall came in (and I think she'll be back, but I'm going to have company, so she should avoid me, which will be good). Anyways, she came in and every time she comes in I tell her she needs to be on oxygen. There are many reasons I see this. Many reasons I keep telling her. She is confused and her speech slurred and gasping for breath and she's clumsy - and those are signs of ...

Well I guess it's technically day 12 - it's past midnight. I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I hate it here. This is me ranting cuz I'm pissy and I NEED some sleep, damnit. I'm not comfortable here anymore. My back hurts. They are admitting someone next door and it is noisy. I can't sleep and I don't know what to do, so I've ordered saltines and apple juice. Apple juice puts me to sleep especially when I don't take insulin with it. Nothing like a sugar coma. I can't wait until I can sleep in my own bed. RAR. I just want to sleep so I don't have to spend the entire day sleeping tomorrow. DAMNIT. I just want to sleep. ARG. ARG. ARG. Well, I'm going to eat my crackers and juice and try and sleep some more. I hope you have a goodnight.

I think people come to the hospital in case they code. They call blue codes from the most random places here. This afternoon I heard the familiar and disturbingly annoying sound that means someone is about to die if you don't hurry your ass and respond to the code. The announcer said, "Adult blue cart to the American Family Children's Hospital lobby by the elevator near the information desk." They must repeat this information about four or five times in case you forgot to listen the first three. About ten minutes later the code tone sounds again and the guy says, "Adult medical response team to American Family Children's Hospital elevator lobby." Over and over. And I had to wonder, they got a blue cart, did the response team not show up with the cart? Did they drop off the cart and leave? Did they say, "here, you guys are pediatric docs, but you should be able to figure this out. I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee"??? I have heard co...

Today is day 11 in the hospital. Today I went to my psychiatrist and we had a wonderful chat. I'm doing so well, and I'm proud of me and she's proud of me. I want to talk about the things she and I talked about. She asked me how I respond to questions about what I want to do with my life and I told her that this week is hard because my friends are graduating and that's what I was working so hard towards. She reminded me that some of the most influential people haven't had college degrees. Ghandi did have a degree in law, but is that what he's known for? No, he's known for peaceful protest and nothing do to with his law degree. Mother Teresa didn't have a college degree and look what she did. Princess Diana didn't have a college degree. Neither does Bono. I just looked up those people to double check. And in doing so, I have realized how much I can do despite not having a college degree. I can prove that I can make a difference. I can move moun...

Want to know what kept me from working on the book this afternoon? A nap. And then Sarah B. came to visit and we talked dance team drama and how I'm going to use my super powers to fix it. Then she left so she could get home before Dancing with the Stars, so I called my mom and she came to watch it with me. And that shows how awesome my mom is. Well, it's not like I sent her home and she came back - she hadn't yet been here today, although I did talk to her a lot. I have three post its full of emails I need to send so I can fix the world so it's less stressful for me. I'm a tad controlling - if you haven't noticed, and I just want the world to be a little easier for me. This is why I take leadership roles - my awesome leadership powers are approaching Jedi status (and I've been training really hard, too, under some of the best Jedi in the world), and since they are nearly Jedi-like I can do slightly more than a wave of the hand and get people to do thi...