Hospital, Day 2, Random thoughts.

So I'm pretty sure this is post 35 for the day - and I know no one is going to waste their time reading all the silly thoughts I had while sitting in a hospital bed for two weeks - which is why, when I get some more strength, I plan on working on/finishing my book instead of writing blog entry after blog entry.

I can't get the image of two phrases out of my head ,"He likes me more than he ever liked her," and the part about the sugar water and hypoglycemia as a reference to being "supportive." Not the same thing. And I don't know why I can't get them out of my head.

Maybe it's because I'm so afraid I will never find someone who wants to put up with the CF and the hospital and... well... me.

And I write about that a lot. Probably too much. You are probably banging your head on the desk right now telling me to shut up about the dating already!

I'm in the same room I was in when I had my surgery in last year. The room when I so desperately wanted to see my family when I got back from surgery and my then-boyfriend walked into the room and I went, "There's a family!"

And I miss what I had with him - I don't miss him because the two of us would never work together - but I miss having someone here at night, which is the hardest for me. During the day the nurses and doctors and RT are in all the time to interrupt my depressing train of thought, but at night - when the time is all mine, I get sad.

I know I have to be here to get better. I just wish... I don't know what I want. Dating is such a hassle. Maybe I just want to stop wanting something more. I want to be happy by myself - I want to not wish for someone to hold me. Someone to wander the empty halls with. Someone to cuddle me to sleep in the teeny tiny hospital bed. I want to stop wanting that.

Comments

mjdav said…
Hi Carla...just finally got caught up on your blog and a new post popped up! I have been praying for you along with Ashley, my three year old CF granddaughter, Ben, Tricia, and Cara. Be a good little patient now!
May 4, 2008 at 11:44 PM
Anonymous said…
You talk about dating a lot. I never have the problem of the guy being afraid of my CF. Maybe he's a little set off by your depression more so. You are negative a lot of the time on here so maybe you portray that in real life and it's hard to take that in. Just a thought.
May 5, 2008 at 5:56 AM
Anonymous said…
Just out of interest what is your fev1 and how much has it dropped by on this admission. I can't find anywhere on your blog about your lung function specifically. I know you needed o2 a while back so it can't be great even if it was cos of spiriva. If your mucus is brown do you regularly cough up blood? or streaks?
May 5, 2008 at 10:33 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

CF Contact

Image
Me and Trinity: What a cutie! Chest PT on a baby: The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation discourages any contact among CF patients. Personally, I think this is overreacting at its best. Yes, some precautions need to be taken, but it has been blown totally out of proportion. I am writing this because the other night at Concert on the Square I held Trinity. Her mom handed her over to me, and we were talking and then she told me that Trinity has CF. I asked if I should take precautions and her mom said that it was okay for me to interact with her - and I feel that as long as the parent says it's okay, it's okay with me. And I did her chest pt - and it was a nice break for the parents. They have three children under three and two of them have CF. They have a 3-year-old with CF, an 18-month-old without, and Trinity, 2-months-old, with CF. If any family needs a break it's this one. I have always wanted to work with CF kids - and I know how much the CF Foundation would have nothin...
Read more

Change of Plans

I had my weekend all planned out, and all I had to do was last through it. I knew that was going to be hard when I realized how bad my lungs were on Tuesday. Dancing was nearly impossible. Yesterday and today I have worked hard to get things ready for the benefit tomorrow night - and I called clinic and we arranged for me to be admitted on Saturday. We'll see if I make it to the elections or not. I'd like to, but maybe it's pointless. I think I'll call clinic tomorrow and ask them to see if my room could be ready by, oh, 10 am or something like that. That way, maybe by evening I'll have some antibiotics running. *le sigh*. I'm doing this by myself. I and Mom decided that she can come down later in the week if I need her - which I might. Right now, I'm pretty fucking sick. I'm going to bed at this ridiculously early hour so maybe I have a prayer of lasting through tomorrow. I also realized this evening how few people understand this. They don...
Read more

A word about my sinuses

Ow. (Note, this is not a complaint. I am simply stating that I am currently in a state of pain.) WARNING: EXTREME AMOUNTS OF SARCASM AHEAD. Even though the pain is so bad I can barely stay awake, I am still able to run and jump and sing and dance (because, DUH I'm addicted to running and can't stop... I LOVE my lungs and all they do for me!) and I will be doing a marathon soon, so watch for that. I will be DANCING the marathon, and singing the whole way. What do you think, should I sing Hannah Montana??? And High School Musical??? Whadda ya think??? And since the only thing that seems to help the pain are my migraine pills, I will be popping them like candy. I will put them in rolls and eat them like Smarties. Mmmm Migraine Smarties. Never mind the fact that you are never supposed to take more than 2 in a 24 hour period. I need them to stop the pain of the goo oozing into my brain, so I'll eat them like candy. And maybe it will kill me, so despite the fact that I a...
Read more