Sunday, May 4, 2008

The I Wish Game

So I was talking to my good friend here in the hospital, and last night she couldn't sleep because the annoying friend (for lack of a better term) was coughing so hard. Annoying Friend was coughing so hard she was throwing up, and my good friend was scared. Scared because she doesn't ever want to be that sick. And I identify with that feeling.

This morning when I woke up and my pulse o2 was bad, all I could think was "I don't want to be on oxygen at night." You think dating is hard now, try saying, "I can't stay over at your place, but you can come to mine. Oh, and by the way, I have to wear oxygen all night so I can breathe." S-E-X-Y. The definition of sexy.

And I'm watching more Grey's and a husband is told that his wife is dying of cancer and has about 4-6 months to live, and he doesn't want her to know because he doesn't want her to worry about dying because she's so happy currently.

And I'd like that option with dating. I don't want them to know so they don't have to deal with this. I've always felt that CF is MY disease and no one else should have to suffer from it - meaning my family and friends who are healthy should not have to deal with me being sick. And I don't know what to do about that feeling, that whole issue.

I can't tell my parents to not worry about me - especially as I get sicker, and I've gone around and around with friends about how they shouldn't have to deal with this. But unfortunately, one of the bad parts of being my friend is that I have CF. I am sick and that's just how it is. And I don't know how to advise people on how to deal with my CF - I barely know myself how to deal with it.

And I have hope that the drugs in clinical trials will come out and help and I won't be hospitalized as often - but hell if I know what I'll do with my life, THEN. Or maybe they won't. I have never expected them to find anything serious to help me in my lifetime, so if they find something that helps a great deal, wonderful! If not, I'll lead the path I always planned on.

Why do you think I write so much....


Katie said...

Hmmm, you know, oxygen could be sexy to the right guy. I mean, there was one night with my bf when he had to stop kissing me to go grab his inhaler....mmm that was sexy. lol. If you need the oxygen, you'd just have to tell the guy that he "takes your breath away...literally", and I think it would be quite cute.

Hope to see you soon!

Matt Todd said...

Being on oxygen at night isn't so bad. My wife and I get it on while I'm wearing oxygen. Not too big of a deal. Only thing is to just make sure we don't get tangled up in the tubing. If you're into each other enough you really don't notice it.

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