Monday, May 12, 2008

Rockin the Casbah a Little Less Hard.

Want to know what kept me from working on the book this afternoon? A nap. And then Sarah B. came to visit and we talked dance team drama and how I'm going to use my super powers to fix it.
Then she left so she could get home before Dancing with the Stars, so I called my mom and she came to watch it with me. And that shows how awesome my mom is. Well, it's not like I sent her home and she came back - she hadn't yet been here today, although I did talk to her a lot.

I have three post its full of emails I need to send so I can fix the world so it's less stressful for me. I'm a tad controlling - if you haven't noticed, and I just want the world to be a little easier for me. This is why I take leadership roles - my awesome leadership powers are approaching Jedi status (and I've been training really hard, too, under some of the best Jedi in the world), and since they are nearly Jedi-like I can do slightly more than a wave of the hand and get people to do things my way - since my way is the right way.

I talked to the girl across the hall for an hour this evening. I was bored, not doing much, so I invited her to sit down and talk. And I got deep and philisophical about the possibility of a cure for CF and all she got was confused.

She had a CT on her lungs today, to try and figure out why she's not getting better. They proved that it's the progression of her disease and it's scaring in her lungs. Which is sad. When it gets to that point, what do you do? Accept that you can't breathe and continue on? I don't know what I would, or will, do.

I got into my "this is my disease and other people shouldn't have to suffer from it" mode. I hate seeing those little kids in the hospital or having to do treatments and nebs. I lived a fairly normal childhood - despite the coughing and the pills and the treatments, but I was never hospitalized for my lungs until I was 18 - so I feel like I need to find something to help these kids and my friends with CF and I'm so hopeless. I don't have a degree in anything, and now that my friends are graduating when I was supposed to be graduating, it stings. A lot. I have this huge issue about not having a degree. It's because I know I am smart enough to get any degree I want, but I don't have the energy to make it through college alive, and I think I got the raw end on that deal.

I wanted to be a doctor originally so I could help CF kids, but I realized I would never make it through med school alive. Then I thought toxicology so I could do research. Then I found chemical engineering because the toxicology program didn't have enough math - I was silly enough to think I wanted to take extreme amounts of math. And I did. And I did well. It was my lungs that got in the way. And those pesky treatments that took away from my study time and all that sleep I needed. Plus picking up my meds took about half a day when I lived in the dorms, and that was awful. Oh, and back then I was still doing a 600 calorie shake every night before bed, which took up time, and I had a good routine and did what I was supposed to, it just took everything out of me.

I switched to a Spanish major thinking it might be a little easier than engineering, but I was wrong. I missed my chemistry so much. L&S thought I was a slacker when engineering knew the real me - the me that worked so hard despite being so sick.

It just bugs me that I got nothing for all that time I wasted in college. Of course I made priceless friends, so I wouldn't say I regret college. I regret that the University wouldn't do anything to help me make it through ONE SINGLE SEMESTER.

And it stings to watch my classmates graduate this week. It really stings because I want to do something with my life. I'm here in the hospital - the expert patient who has seen every episode of way too many television shows.

Just to prove to you how much time I spend sitting around, these are some of the TV shows I have watched every season of:

Stargate SG-1
Stargate Atlantis
Gilmore Girls (I've seen every episode at LEAST 10 times, if not more).
Nip/Tuck (except for season 4)
Six Feet Under
Sex and the City
The L Word
The Wonder Years
Law and Order: SVU (yes, all 7 seasons)
ER (except a couple of the most recent seasons)
Criminal Minds
Grey's Anatomy (well, still working on this one...)
Felicity (working on this one too)
The West Wing (working on this)

And I have all of the new Dr. Who to watch, too.

I just sometimes feel really useless and don't know why I bother to get out of the bed in the morning, but I do, and I continue to watch movies and TV show after TV show, and that is my life, I guess.

I totally forgot the point to this entry by now.

But this was hospital, day 10. About 4 or 5 left to go. Seeing how well my PFTs went today, I'll probably be busting out of here on Friday.

AAAAAnd my NA totally just hit on me. I was typing the entire time he took my blood sugar, and then he was hitting on me. It was fun. He's cute.

Oh, and I should tell you how I've become a champion hospital sleeper. But that's another post on another day.

Goodnight. Aaaaand end day 10. Another night of restless sleep for me.


Chris S. said...

So did the flirt-with-staff activity work on this NA? Or was it just your natural charms? ;)

Anonymous said...

Wow. Your viewing list looks scarily like what would result if my list of favorites had babies with my husband's list of favorites. Between the two of us, we love almost everything on there. The interesting thing is, if I love it he hates it, and vice versa. (I especially loathe Dr. Who, but can almost tolerate Dexter and SG-1). So, it's interesting to me that you seem to enjoy it all. Hmmmmm. The one thing that hubs and I agree on is Bones, which is absent from your list. Try it, you might like it!

Enjoy (?) these last few days of forced down time, then get home and start planning to pack for that trip!


Amanda said...

a woman after my heart--chemistry AND Spanish! hope you are feeling better :)

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