Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Nightmare

I had a nightmare. I didn't remember it until later today, but something was bothering me all day.

I woke up and ate breakfast around 8:30, and then went back to sleep because I was tired, and when I woke up the 2nd time all I remembered was trying to name all of Santa's Reindeer. You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen. Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. And Rudolf. Is that how you spell it? I don't care.

Anyways, this afternoon I was thrown back into the nightmare I had had earlier, and the nightmare is probably what woke me up the first time.

It was one of my PTSD nightmares. The scary ones where I am in class and then running and trying to get him fired but no one will listen to me. I'm demanding to speak with my guidance counselor and she's not around or she's on the phone, so I talk to someone else and no one will listen and I'm being chased and I have that horrible feeling. The horrible feeling I can't get away from.

I don't even know how to describe these nightmares. I have normal nightmares too like everyone else, and these are so different from a normal nightmare and the level of fear is so strong. When I remember the PTSD nightmares, I get stuck in them. I can smell things and feel the way the halls feel and all my senses are there in the nightmare. And all day then I can smell the high school and that fear stays with me all day and then gets worse when it's time for bed.

I don't want to have another nightmare.

When I am having issues with my PTSD or other emotional stuff I tend to pick fights. I like to say things to piss people off so they will say horrible things to me and then I can focus on being mad at them and not on the crazy shit going on in my head. The bad things people say, I don't know what they do to me, but they make me feel worse, and then somehow that makes me feel better. If you can explain that to me, please do - because it makes no sense to me.

So here I will pick a fight in my blog. There's someone I have the urge to pick a fight with because it's easy. It's mean - horribly mean, but easy. And the little thing that is bothering me I could turn into a big deal.

So this Gal who went to the CF Walk with me is dating Dude and someday I'm going to run out of nicknames, and that will suck. Anyways, Dude wanted her to walk the 10K, I told them that he can do what he wants, but I'd like Gal to do the "Carla 5k" where we take the shortcut so I don't die by the end. I wanted her to get to know Sarah Lynn and Emily and Darin. And I just wanted us to be a team. And I felt that Dude did it on purpose. He wasn't even going to come originally, so why would he make it so we all couldn't walk together??? I don't get it, and I guess I don't care if he did it on purpose or not. He doesn't seem to like me much anyways, so it doesn't matter. In fact, I don't think he likes me at all - which is fine with me. There are plenty of people who don't like me. It's called life.

So I guess it's not a huge deal and I don't want to fight about it.

It's over. It's done. And there's nothing to fight about - and yet my brain says FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, because I am crazy.

I don't want to go to sleep. I hate that sleeping scares me. I hate that two years after I got the bastard fired - six years after the whole thing started - I am still having these nightmares. And I've been told they will probably never go away. Never. I am going to be haunted by high school for the rest of my life. And high school fucking sucked. On a scale of one to 100 it blew way off the charts. Being paranoid and violent tends to make people not want to be your friend, and so I lost my friends because of what was happening to me, and high school sucked. It was no musical, my friends.

And today I was shopping with Ashley during our walking, and we were in a shop that so reminded me of my hometown. It made me miss going downtown with my friends and shopping in all the little shops there. It made me miss it because it's something I can't do anymore. It takes something really special to get me to go back to that town.

All because of my PTSD and that bastard.

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